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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sent an email to DS' form tutor

106 replies

GoldenBuns · 19/07/2018 21:00

I am kicking myself for this and am preparing to be flamed. I really wish I hadn't done it - but at the same time feel so upset for DS.

DS is just coming to end of year 7, his first year at secondary school. It is an all boys school - tough, quite a few issues with behaviour etc. His first term was traumatic to say the least - I can only describe what he went through as a panic attack that went on for a whole term. He hated it so much that he cried morning and night. He was too upset to talk to anyone or make friends. The school had to issue him with a time out card because he was having panic attacks in lessons. . I came very close to moving him to another school much further away (the only place available). I have never seen him so miserable. I spent a lot of time going in and out of the school, talking to his form tutor and head of year. They were amazing and really cooperative about getting him settled. FWIW, I did express my gratitude to them on several occasions.

Amazingly, in the spring term, he turned things around completely. Came out of his state of panic and started making friends. He has done well academically and represented the school at sport. He has had no consequences for bad behaviour in the whole school year. He is now settled and happy, with lots of really nice friends.

This week, there have been a couple of rewards events at the school - in particular a 'by invitation only' evening ceremony. Loads of DS' friends were invited and got awards for things like attendance, good attitude, resilience, helping fellow classmates etc. Ds was not invited. He was not included in any other reward event either. He came home on the evening of the ceremony and wanted to know if I had missed the invitation - but he hadn't had one. He couldn't understand why he wasn't invited and was really disappointed.

Was I unreasonable to have emailed DS' tutor and expressed my disappointment that he wasn't given some acknowledgement for his resilience? I got a short reply saying that unfortunately they can't reward everyone and unfortunately he didn't meet the criteria. I now feel like that awful whinging parent who complains if her little darling doesn't get the best treatment. I also feel like I have shot myself in the foot and created a bad relationship with his tutor. But at the same time I feel that if they had acknowledged his resilience, it would have meant the world to him and would have been such a good end to the year. I can't help but feel so disappointed for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoldenBuns · 19/07/2018 21:25

Posted and then saw the other lovely replies - thanks everyone. I think I am too emotionally invested in this - was so worried about ds for so long that I am probably seeing it completely out of perspective. I need Wine

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 19/07/2018 21:26

Your boy has had a tough year and so have you.dont be too hard on yourself
You apologised, don’t over fret it now

ItchyBitchFace · 19/07/2018 21:27

Not unreasonable. I could have posted this myself. Had to contact school this week as my DD is finishing y7 soon and had similar issues but knuckled down and pulled it back and has been happy and settled and contributing to school life.
There is a reward system that they roll out every half term. Kids who have had no detentions etc. She's been missed off the list each half term and missed out on the associated reward. She's also missed out on the rewards for house points. I've spoken once to her tutor and once to head of year before I got in touch with them again this week.
I've had an apology and so has she. I'm not 'that parent' either but I don't think there's any point in having a reward system if you don't include everyone on it. If we don't stand up for our children, who will?

manicinsomniac · 19/07/2018 21:28

I really wouldn't worry.

All our leaving year group get at least one prize. There are emails every year from parents who don't think their child hot recognised in the 'right' area or didn't get enough prizes, a particular prize etc.

A small percentage of every other year group get prizes. There are always emails from parents asking why their child wasn't recognised.

It's expected. Parents generally only see and consider what their own child has achieved. Schools have to compare and consider all the children. So different conclusions will naturally be reached.

Teachers expect emails and will have forgotten it by Sept - esp if you send a polite, understanding and appreciative reply.

Sometimes parent emails remind us of a child who really should have been recognised and they then get remembered in future. It's hood that children have a school to look out for them collectively but a parent to point them out specifically at times. We don't mind that as teachers.

NeatFreakMama · 19/07/2018 21:29

You're giving yourself a hard time. You acted out of love for your son, don't feel bad. I'm sure the teacher didn't think on it at all, hey know your sons had a hard time.

ShawshanksRedemption · 19/07/2018 21:29

I can see you are proud of your son turning it around and now settled in his secondary school. Could you not just have a family celebration like a meal out of his choice for example? Or take-away where he chooses the dishes?

As for the email, don't worry. Will he have the same tutor next academic year do you know? I wonder if you have anxiety yourself OP. I'm sure the tutor understands and won't give it any further thought. Maybe get your DS to write a nice card thanking his tutor for their support.

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 19/07/2018 21:30

I’m guessing my sons school did this too... as the first I knew on an awards evening was Facebook posts from other parents.

I don’t mind awards not being given out to every child (I’m glad of that... it’s renders the awards useless) but to have a whole private ceremony seems a bit much. Just dish then out in an assembly 🤷🏻‍♀️

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 19/07/2018 21:30

but I don't think there's any point in having a reward system if you don't include everyone on it
That’s not a reward then if it’s everyone, it’s a whole class acknowledgement

Everyone isn’t included in rewards and/or nominations because not all circumstances are equal

FreshEyre · 19/07/2018 21:31

@manicinsomniac Great post, puts it perfectly.

And WineWineWine for you OP.

SillySillySausage · 19/07/2018 21:31

I'm a secondary teacher, honestly I wouldn't worry/over think it. It's always really hard to pick kids for these sorts of things because you're given set numbers / criteria and can't reward everyone you would like to. As long as your email wasn't rude or patronising I doubt the teacher has thought much more about it since their reply.

I'm glad your child has settled in well now, some really do struggle with the transition.

Original poster
GoldenBuns · 19/07/2018 21:34

Itchy - well done to your DD - sounds like she has done amazingly!

It's really hard to know when to speak up on their behalf and when to keep quiet. I've never really done this before as ds sailed through juniors. I also think, because it's secondary school, I need to leave him to it much more.

OP posts:
FatBarry · 19/07/2018 21:35

Here we go again, there is a thread about "it's not fair my DC didn't get an award" almost every week.

Shit happens, mine didn't get one in 14 years of school 💁🏾

NoMudNoLotus · 19/07/2018 21:39

@manicinsomniac a lovely post.

@GoldenBuns Thanks please be gentle on yourself. You sound a lovely mum ... I really dont think this will impact upon your or your sons relationship with teachers .

It has been a traumatic time for you both - the teachers will understand this and will be putting your email in context .

melonscoffer · 19/07/2018 21:40

That’s not a reward then if it’s everyone, it’s a whole class acknowledgement

I took the post to mean that ItchyBitchFaces' daughter was qualifying for the reward by having no detentions but being overlooked.

Stirner · 19/07/2018 21:40

This could be a good lesson for your son. But you have diminished it by sending an apology. Never apologise, never explain.

The lesson is, is that teachers often get it wrong, and it's ok to point out when that happens. Also - from my experience of these things (which he'll find out when he gets invited next year) is that they're no reflections of the outcomes you get later in life. Those kids that get most improved? Half of them will be in the clink before they turn 20. The ones that get academic awards or for behaviour? Low level admin or call centre at best. Me and my mate were invited to one of these things between us over the five years - and we've got the best careers now, much better than the kids that sat through these things every year.

Original poster
GoldenBuns · 19/07/2018 21:42

Thanks everyone - manicsomniac - that helps put things in perspective a bit.

Ds know 100% how proud we are of him. Grin

And yes, I can get anxious and have felt particularly bad recently - DD14 is having problems too and it all feels like a bit much. Looking forward to the holidays.

OP posts:
melonscoffer · 19/07/2018 21:43

Goldenbuns
I think leave the issue now.
Your sons' tutor won't remember your email to him/her.
If you get involved further by having your son send a card or any further action then you are making your son and yourself memorable.
Forget it, teachers get emails coming out of their ears.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 19/07/2018 21:43

He’s done so well,give him a hug

melonscoffer · 19/07/2018 21:45

Didn't mean leave the discussion on Mumsnet.
I meant let the tutor alone now.

Original poster
GoldenBuns · 19/07/2018 21:47

melonscoffer - I am planning on slinking off into the shadows for a good while now Grin.

OP posts:
brizzledrizzle · 19/07/2018 21:52

I get your disappointment, my son and daughter both got amazing reports etc all through high school but not once did they get an award. It's one of those things. I was secretly disappointed their hard work and resilience was what I was really proud of rather than the fact that they got to go up on stage to get an award; none of that will get them into university or be on their CV but the stuff they have learnt and the personal skills that they have gained will last them a life time long after an award certificate has been forgotten.
Your DS sounds great.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 19/07/2018 21:52

I can see why you regret the email but I work in a school and, believe me OP, your email won't even register on the scale of crazy emails from parents that this teacher will have received in their time!

It's par for the course. I've had unintelligible emails from parents composed at 2am after a heavy drinking session, expletive- filled rants, detailed essays about how they're taking legal advice and contacting their MP because little Johnny has been given a detention, even parents who think it's appropriate to email me with gossip about the private lives of others parents...you name it!

It's also the end of term which means that they will be far too exhausted and busy trying to tie up loose ends to give it that much thought. It will be a distant memory by September, trust me.

You and your DS have obviously had a tough year and it's great that he's been able to settle in and enjoy school. Don't let this ruin that for you.

longestlurkerever · 19/07/2018 21:53

I wouldn't worry at all. You expressed your disappointment at DS not getting an award - that's fine. I expressed my disappointment at not being given the top appraisal box at work once when I felt it was justified. It didn't change things, obviously, and I wasn't really expecting it to, but I wanted to express that I was disappointed, and don't regret it doing so. As long as you were courteous I'm pretty sure it won't have registered on the teacher's radar.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 19/07/2018 21:53

I hate these invite only things to be honest.

I don't blame you - he seems to really have made an effort and changes things around which IMHO is more noteworthy than little Johnny winning a spelling bee.

Mississippilessly · 19/07/2018 21:54

Secondary school teacher here - really don't worry about it.
Why don't you suggest a sleepover or a bowling trip or something for your DS and his new mates?