Sent an email to DS' form tutor

[GoldenBuns]

I am kicking myself for this and am preparing to be flamed. I really wish I hadn't done it - but at the same time feel so upset for DS.

DS is just coming to end of year 7, his first year at secondary school. It is an all boys school - tough, quite a few issues with behaviour etc. His first term was traumatic to say the least - I can only describe what he went through as a panic attack that went on for a whole term. He hated it so much that he cried morning and night. He was too upset to talk to anyone or make friends. The school had to issue him with a time out card because he was having panic attacks in lessons. . I came very close to moving him to another school much further away (the only place available). I have never seen him so miserable. I spent a lot of time going in and out of the school, talking to his form tutor and head of year. They were amazing and really cooperative about getting him settled. FWIW, I did express my gratitude to them on several occasions.

Amazingly, in the spring term, he turned things around completely. Came out of his state of panic and started making friends. He has done well academically and represented the school at sport. He has had no consequences for bad behaviour in the whole school year. He is now settled and happy, with lots of really nice friends.

This week, there have been a couple of rewards events at the school - in particular a 'by invitation only' evening ceremony. Loads of DS' friends were invited and got awards for things like attendance, good attitude, resilience, helping fellow classmates etc. Ds was not invited. He was not included in any other reward event either. He came home on the evening of the ceremony and wanted to know if I had missed the invitation - but he hadn't had one. He couldn't understand why he wasn't invited and was really disappointed.

Was I unreasonable to have emailed DS' tutor and expressed my disappointment that he wasn't given some acknowledgement for his resilience? I got a short reply saying that unfortunately they can't reward everyone and unfortunately he didn't meet the criteria. I now feel like that awful whinging parent who complains if her little darling doesn't get the best treatment. I also feel like I have shot myself in the foot and created a bad relationship with his tutor. But at the same time I feel that if they had acknowledged his resilience, it would have meant the world to him and would have been such a good end to the year. I can't help but feel so disappointed for him.

I feel for you and your son. It must have been so stressful while he was so unhappy. Credit to you, him and the school for turning it around. I find dealing with school an absolute mine field and treading that fine line between doing the right thing and going over the top is damned difficult. I'm socially anxious and it makes the whole business of parenting so much harder. I also find prize giving difficult - great to receive but very tough for those who miss out. It's nice to read comments from teachers who say it's no big deal to have sent an honest email.

Now try to relax and switch off a bit and enjoy the holidays! You've done nothing wrong.

Thanks myrtle! Having warm fuzzy feelings about Mumsnet right now.

I hate this kind of crap where only the chosen Few get invited to an event that is then turned into a "big deal" in the eyes of those going to it. Everyone should go or no one.

You've done nothing wrong whatsoever OP.

Definitely one of the kinder AIBU threads but probably cos the OP has been so humble and genuinely wanted to know if she was being unreasonable. Too many OPs have already made the decision that they are totally not unreasonable before they post and are just looking for validation!!

I think you sound great, and so is your DS. I feel the same way, as our school does private ceremonies, but just let it go, you love him and want the best for him, first year of high school is so hard for parents and kids!! Have a lovely summer

Thanks everyone!

Nerdy - it's hard work, isn't it? I get really frustrated with myself because I know that my worrying often makes things more complicated and difficult. DH is a very chilled out individual and really doesn't get it at all!

I took a thank you card and a bottle in today for both the head of year and tutor (last day of term). Clean page next year.

I think the tutor and school have let DS down. You were right to email and challenge. Well done. If this ever happens to my DDs the school will certainly be corrected by me for letting them down.

Really?youll fire off an Email, challenge every perceived let down or disappointment
Then you’ll raise v indulged girls who’ll expect the world to revolve around them because mum said so. And mum will challenge school on and on
You’d be better building resilience, discussing dealing with let down,managing ones responses to set backs etc

I don't fire of emails left right and centre no. But if it were merited I would not hesitate. I pay the school small fortunes to give my DDs the best and I expect 100% from them in return.

From your description of how your son coped with the first half of the year, clearly other students have been far more resilient than him so why would he get an invite?

It’s only year 7 so he has the following 4 years to be included in the awards ceremonies, especially now that he’s settled in. You probably won’t have been the only parent to ask why they DC haven’t been invited.

Paying a small fortune doesn’t buy you the right to berate school for every perceived disappointment or let down
In real life,away from the cheque book and demands. You’d be better preparing yourself and your girls that people don’t always give or get 100%. Now that may or may not be a big deal but they need and you to be able to deal with that. It’s unrealistic to honestly expect that because you pay fees this will equate to school will give my DDs the best and I expect 100% from them in return

AIBU though to expect a school who takes 36k a year off us twice for DDs to step up to the plate. I don't expect my DDs to be perfect and when they aren't it is part of growing up. But I do have a right to insist her school and its staff are 100% there. In my job messing up means hell on earth. It should be the same for teachers whose salaries the parents pay.

I think an invitation only awards event for a school is really shitty. Yabu to not mind that lots of kids would feel excluded, but to only complain that your son deserved an award/felt excluded.

Those awards are a terrible idea.

YANBU for sending the email. I wouldn't take it any further than that but it was fine to politely register your disappointment.

OP - it's very hard work. Our son as ASD and is doing great at school, but I can never quite relax as the situation can take unexpected twists and turns. I do try not to fire off too many emails and have started delegating some of the admin / communications to my husband. It's useful sometimes to wait until we've had time to reflect and discuss whether any action is needed. That way I have more hope of seeing if I'm over-reacting, as he is calmer than I am. I'm quite socially isolated, really, and don't talk that much to other mums. When I do, I often realise that teachers deal with far worse than mums like me. At least I'm always polite!! If only there were a text book on how to deal with all this.

Rosie: you sum up all the reasons why I wouldn't want to send my DCs to private school. And why I'd hesitate to work in one. Let's hope for your family's sake you're always in the position to just get the cheque book out and boss people around. You'd have a bumpy old ride in the real world. But you probably won't ever encounter it!

It was an email, he answered, you thanked him. It's fine, you only asked, oh didn't demand.
I think people overthink the impact they have on teachers by asking a simple and non-aggressive question.

Ah Nerdy, that sounds tough. Definitely lean on you DH a bit for help. I know what you mean about being socially isolated. I have lived in our town for 8 years and only now am beginning to feel like I have made some proper friendships. I find that I can come across badly/awkwardly, until I get to know people properly and relax - and that takes ages. I hope you make some connections soon. I have a friend with a dd who has asd - she is part of a network of other mums of kids with asd. I think it has really helped her. Is there anything similar in your area?

@Golden: yes, I've joined a couple of networks and it's been helpful. Particularly a few years ago, whilst DS was still at primary and was getting no help whatsoever. Sometimes, though, it gets a bit militant and can encourage people to go a bit too far in their requests to the school. Or it becomes a competition of misery, which can drag you down. Human beings are funny, really, aren't they? I've been on a few parenting courses and learned some useful things. The one that has stayed with me most is to imagine, when dealing with school/professionals/authorities that you're the CEO of a large company and you're acting in a professional capacity. Take the emotion out of it. tbh, I fail every time, but it's an interesting concept to strive for! And something I got from CBT sessions is to stop imagining / projecting / assuming what other people are thinking. I try to remember that in my moments of paranoia.

I'm happy to say that both my boys have come home from school (last day today) cheerful and in one piece. I am so relieved. No curve balls at the end of term, it seems. They've been taken for ice-creams and are now sitting in front of the play station. Phew! Made it through another year.

Congratulations Nerdy sounds like it's been tough but good that everyone's happy. Ds is off with one of his new friends swimming and then sleepover . Disastrous day with dd and friendship issues - phone calls from student support - so that's another maze to navigate - and another thread entirely.

Interesting to hear about the coping mechanisms. Not sure I could ever think like a CEO - I am completely governed by my emotions! Could certainly do with some tactics to control them. The not projecting/assuming is spot on.

Have a fantastic holiday - you deserve it.

Nerdybeethoven I certainly do not boss ppl around willy-nilly but merely expect high standards in DDs school in the same way I expect them from those who work for me. I find ppl who don't have DDs at private school are secretly envious and wish they could.

Rightly or wrongly, I have also just emailed my Y7 son form tutor about end of year awards. And I know I am not the only one in his year to do so.

They give weekly marks for behaviour/manners/attitude. He has the most in his year (most in school this year). The award for behaviour was then given to another child and it turns out it was done on the basis of pupil votes. So basically a popularity contest. I have emailed to ask the school to explain their process and to consider for the future what message they are delivering when those who work all year are bypassed for the popular kids.

Rosie - I'm laughing as you sound a total nightmare. I wonder if the teachers dread hearing from you. But never mind, you just stay in your bubble.

It needs: that's awful! That definitely needs at least an enquiry.