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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil unreasonable about ds birthday or am I?

351 replies

Marshmallowflumps1 · 19/07/2018 19:20

Name change as outing.
Ds to be three next Tuesday. I’m pregnant so we want to have a special day for his birthday knowing it’s the last we will have Just the three of us.
We have organised a family tea party on the Sunday for relatives, just cake balloons etc and a chance for both sets of grandparents to see him/give presents if they wish etc.
Then my dp and I have both taken the Tuesday off work, to give him presents in the morning, take him out to a local fair that’s here, and later that day we are joining a couple of friends with children similar age, to go for dinner at a local country pub with a play area etc.

My family has been fine with these plans. But mil has expressed that she feels it is unfair she is not seeing ds on his birthday. She wants to come round in the morning of his birthday to watch him open his presents from her on the day.
I have offered if she wants to come the Monday evening, as well as the Sunday to see ds and give gifts then, she is more than welcome. But that the Sunday was really just about us as a little family. She is still unhappy with this, pushing tp come for half an hour the morning of his birthday.

Dp has said would it really be so bad if they came just for half an hour to keep the peace? I think why should she be any different to any of the rest of mine and dps family. If they all insisted on popping in on the day for half an hour at some point, we would have a houseful and wouldn’t get out. I want to put my foot down and refuse. but Im aware that I’m hormonal and possibily having slightly irrational thoughts about my pfbs last birthday before he has a brother or sister, and want to keep him to myself, and may not be completely reasonable at the moment.
I’m really not sure so just wanted some objective opinions.

OP posts:
Laiste · 20/07/2018 12:44

another20 - Invite your family back on the Monday night as well just for the fireworks - and show lovely videos, photos of the day before.

Oooooohoho.

Original poster
Marshmallowflumps1 · 20/07/2018 12:52

Well the Monday night was only supposed to be a little extra as we wouldn’t agree to her demand for the Tuesday. So she will only get an hour, We are both at work don’t get in until 6.00 and ds bedtime is 7.30 with bath time etc starting at about 7.00.
He turns into the devil from about 6.30 anyway with tiredness.
So I think she’s cut off her nose to spite her face. All she’s going to get is whingy grandson.
There won’t be candles going on any second cake I’m glad you lot have thought of it because I wouldn’t. It seems like with these kind of people you just always have to be one step ahead and anticipate what they will do next

I have been struggling with her for a while. It’s difficult and I feel in debt because of the day childcare she does. Then I’ve posted this and some people think it genuinely is unreasonable to stand in her way of seeing him on his birthday.
Plus I’m conscious of my hormones and don’t want to be an over the top bitch and look back to regret it.

But she does have a history of this. Think having to be first at the hospital after ds was born, being pushy with baby names before he was even here. Trying to get in the way of my breastfeeding (which went wrong after a couple of weeks as she wouldn’t leave me in peace arranging tons of visitors to my house).

This has probably gone on too long but it’s never to late to try and put some boundaries in, is it?

OP posts:
ThePartyArtist · 20/07/2018 12:53

I feel for you! Have had a similar situation.

I think in general, stick to your plans. Your MIL is an adult who should know you come when invited.

Just make clear that your child will be able to open her present when she sees him. And get your husband to do the negotiations because it'll be easier for her to forgive a blood relation than a daughter in law!

slithytove · 20/07/2018 12:54

If you hadn’t booked the day off, where would DS be on the Tuesday?

ParkheadParadise · 20/07/2018 12:55

If my MIL pulled this stunt on me I can guarantee on Monday night DS would be in bed when she arrived because he's knackered from the party the day before Grin. I would be on the sofa in my jammies watching the TV.

MadMags · 20/07/2018 12:57

No, it's absolutely not to late to set boundaries, and it doesn't matter where he'd be if you were working, because you're not working specifically so you can spend the day with him.

I'd bet my house she'll try the cake stunt so plan what it is you're going to do about it...

And don't be surprised if she shows up Tuesday morning.

Original poster
Marshmallowflumps1 · 20/07/2018 13:04

He would have been with dp on his own in the morning. Then the afternoon in nursery until I finished work. But we both have the day off completley now. Tuesday wouldn’t have been her day anyway, she will have him on Thursday, the day she has him varies. But Even if it was her day it shouldn’t really matter.

Maybe that’s why she’s pissed off, she was banking on me being at work so she could go round in the morning and have a nice morning with ‘her boys’.

OP posts:
Bingpot · 20/07/2018 13:15

I feel like you've hit the nail on the head there OP. You've been very accommodating. But you need to stick firm to your boundaries here. It's unfortunate she's disappointed but well, tough.

another20 · 20/07/2018 13:38

Yes get those boundaries down and stick to them, especially around the birth of your second child.

Do not let her hijack and sabotage it like she did for your first birth. I am sure that this is why you are feeling vulnerable - worried that it will happen again.

Your gut is 100% accurate, trust it and be hyper alert for manipulative people like her. You will need to firmly and clearly communicate any plans, be prepared for her to object, manipulate and kick-off - but stand your ground calmly and see it through.

Most important bit is by FIRST making sure your DH sees it for what it is generally, him committing to prioritise you, your joint decisions and your new family, going forward, above his discomfort dealing with his demanding mother. He might need your support and encouragement to be consistently assertive with her.

Then decide each situation with your DH as it arises, commit to adhering to it, anticipating her objections, stating the situation - saying "No" without explanation repeatedly. Ensure that when either of you are alone with her that you don't agree to any pressure, changes etc - always say - "will discuss that with OH and let you know."

She sounds very over bearing, if you step back and look around I bet there are many family members eye-rolling or walking on eggs shells around her.

Sorry but this will be a lifetimes work, people like her always keep butting boundaries.

RandomMess · 20/07/2018 13:40

Definitely time for some new firm boundaries!

Please get DP on board ready for baby's arrival so it doesn't turn into a circus again Thanks

cpayne351 · 20/07/2018 13:44

I would just let her come round. If you are planning to go out at 10 tell her she needs to be there at 8.30am and make sure you are out the door by 10 without them. At least she wants to make the effort. There is nothing worse than relatives that never want to see your children. Also if shes the kind of grandparent to always be there when you need help with childcare then its rude to just pick, choose and use.

TheCag · 20/07/2018 13:47

My mum is like this op, she always wants to mark the exact day and thinks it’s not right if she’s not there that day. When ds2 was born she got in a taxi so she could see him immediately, it has to be on the day and no compromises.

Mil by comparison is lovely and never pushes boundaries. Guess who got to meet ds2 first Grin.

I just put my food down with Mum and say no, or say we are out. Probably easier with a Mum than a mil though. But it’s definitely not too late for proper boundaries or this will go on forever.

TheCag · 20/07/2018 13:49

Mum also wanted to move in with us for a month when dc1 was born so she could ‘help’. Oh, how we laughed, we only live down the bloody road!

NWQM · 20/07/2018 14:14

Seriously I would be saying that if she can’t make the effort to come on Sunday then Monday isn’t happening either. You have planned and I think you’ve said brought stuff for it already. How rude to back out now. How are your parents supposed to feel? It really is very rude & I hope your DP didn’t agree. You need to nip this in the bud. Why should you do 3 birthday celebrations.

another20 · 20/07/2018 14:17

I am wondering if your OH's DB and your FIL are pissed off with MIL rescheduling their social life - did she ask? These people cause chaos.

LePetitPont · 20/07/2018 14:28

Aargh - the more you update, the more frustrated I get on your behalf, OP!

So instead of your MIL participating in a lovely tea party, she is now insisting on pitching up in the horrendously fraught (if anything like my house...) half hour after nursery and before bed. To further hype up your DS with presents and cake? Just.. nooooo!!!!!

If she is going to have a childcare day with him later in the week, why on earth doesn’t she just celebrate on her own then? No mum to cramp her style, let alone the other set of grandparents Hmm

Always glad my MIL lives a way away as this is the kind of crap she’d pull. When DS2 was born, we said parents could come round for an hour or so to meet him then give us some space (PIL were here for HOURS the day after we got home from
Hospital after a difficult birth with DS1 and insisted on cutting down the hedges in the back garden... that was relaxing). They turned up half way into their allocated time (—aware that sounds wanky—), overstayed and THEN came back again when my parents were here having their cuddle with new baby. And didn’t even say hello.

Seasawride · 20/07/2018 14:34

See as I have previously said I am a mil and nana and I totally get you op I think you have been very fair and tried to please everyone.

Look at it this way. She should have supported you her pregnant dil.

She is out of order not you love. You go ahead and set boundaries. With people like her you have to be firm and prepared to be rude.

Kind doesn’t cut it they see it as weakness. I know my one dil has an impossible mother who loathes me Grin

Seasawride · 20/07/2018 14:38

My next door neighbours mother sent her son to look around the hospital car park every night from her due date to see if the car was there and her dd was in labour??? Her dd had asked for privacy and said she would call her mum when baby was born etc.

Fucking bat shit some people

Anonnymouse54321 · 20/07/2018 14:39

Not too late to start with boundaries. It definitely seems like she wants it all on her terms and wants it to be her own family only.

Next time don't offer a separate time for her to come again, one little party, she can and cannot attend, end of.

VanillaSugar · 20/07/2018 14:46

Does you MIL have a milestone birthday coming up? If so, I advise making yourself as difficult as possible and making her birthday all about you.

Because this is what she's doing.

She doesn't want to share her grandson with the other granny, does she?

FrozenMargarita17 · 20/07/2018 14:47

Have you agreed to the separate MIL party on Monday Op? I'd be of a mind to say no. Who on earth says they won't attend their GC birthday tea just to get their own way? It just shows that she is not thinking about your dc at all, only herself.

Mousefunky · 20/07/2018 14:50

YANBU. You have made sure to be inclusive of everyone and MIL needs to accept that. She’s being a dick.

0lgaDaPolga · 20/07/2018 14:56

Yanbu at all. You’ve gone out of your way to accommodate her and she has cut off her nose to spite her face by turning down a lovely family party and lots of time with your ds on Sunday. Hopefully she won’t turn up expecting a similar party on the Monday. Hope your son has a lovely birthday on Tuesday

ConkerGame · 20/07/2018 14:59

YANBU. It’s a day of annual leave when you are pregnant. Absolutely up to you how you spend that day and who you spend it with!

She is being ridiculous and demanding. As if seeing him twice in the two days running up to his bday wasn’t enough! He won’t have a clue that Sun isn’t his bday - just tell him it is - job done!

Ps I adored my grandmother and don’t think I ever saw her on my actual birthday! It was so much more special getting an extra day of presents and fuss at the family party the following weekend!

wink1970 · 20/07/2018 15:36

I'm a MIL and a Nan, and we never see the DGC on their actual birthdays..... and it's great! We get to do a visit a few days later, or before, and enjoy special time, and they get to have an immediate family day to themselves. Same with Christmas.