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AIBU?

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Original poster

Mil unreasonable about ds birthday or am I?

351 replies

Marshmallowflumps1 · 19/07/2018 19:20

Name change as outing.
Ds to be three next Tuesday. I’m pregnant so we want to have a special day for his birthday knowing it’s the last we will have Just the three of us.
We have organised a family tea party on the Sunday for relatives, just cake balloons etc and a chance for both sets of grandparents to see him/give presents if they wish etc.
Then my dp and I have both taken the Tuesday off work, to give him presents in the morning, take him out to a local fair that’s here, and later that day we are joining a couple of friends with children similar age, to go for dinner at a local country pub with a play area etc.

My family has been fine with these plans. But mil has expressed that she feels it is unfair she is not seeing ds on his birthday. She wants to come round in the morning of his birthday to watch him open his presents from her on the day.
I have offered if she wants to come the Monday evening, as well as the Sunday to see ds and give gifts then, she is more than welcome. But that the Sunday was really just about us as a little family. She is still unhappy with this, pushing tp come for half an hour the morning of his birthday.

Dp has said would it really be so bad if they came just for half an hour to keep the peace? I think why should she be any different to any of the rest of mine and dps family. If they all insisted on popping in on the day for half an hour at some point, we would have a houseful and wouldn’t get out. I want to put my foot down and refuse. but Im aware that I’m hormonal and possibily having slightly irrational thoughts about my pfbs last birthday before he has a brother or sister, and want to keep him to myself, and may not be completely reasonable at the moment.
I’m really not sure so just wanted some objective opinions.

OP posts:
PeachQueen · 20/07/2018 07:47

FFS I hate controlling MIL's!

She sounds just like my MIL OP Angry

Don't change your plans. She needs to realise she's not the most important person here! Mine would do exactly the same then throw a massive strop & slag me off to SIL so I would then look the bad person.

It's your son not hers. Do as you please!

Whocansay · 20/07/2018 08:12

I can't see anything wrong with your plans OP. This is your child and your only opportunity to do this. Stick to your guns and don't be bullied.

I can't honestly see why she's complaining. It seems like a power play.

scaryteacher · 20/07/2018 08:14

My Mum and pils lived 3.5 hours away from us for the first 5 years of ds's life, so didn't see him on his birthday, but only at the weekend if a family party had been arranged. They, and he, survived!

FishingIsNotASport · 20/07/2018 08:32

I also am stealing the line: givers need to set boundaries because takers rarely do. It's interesting how this thread is divided into givers: "your plans are lovely, you're hosting everyone on Sunday, I'm happy to see my grandchildren whenever it suits", and takers: "you're being precious, what's the harm in changing your plans, you should be grateful GPs are interested" etc. Give a taker an inch........ she will be coming to the fair with you. I spent decades being a people pleaser and learnt the hard way that whatever you do to keep a 'taker' happy it's never enough. Now I'm of the "you can never please everyone, so you may as well please yourself" mind set. Stick to your plans OP.

pigeondujour · 20/07/2018 08:37

I think it's pretty rude to ask another adult to host you two or three times in three days. It might be the kid she wants to see but he won't be the one having to make hot drinks and think of more small talk. If I'd held a family party on a Sunday I really wouldn't want people that didn't live there in my house again that week.

Also think it's bad form to try and make plans with someone who works on a day they've taken annual leave unless they're equally enthusiastic about it. Annual leave is sacred, especially if you've got a young family.

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 20/07/2018 08:40

Placemarking

Laiste · 20/07/2018 08:46

This is going to run and run OP Grin

I wonder too if you if you'd have got a slightly different set of responses if you'd said it was your mum you were letting come over on the day while making MIL stick to the official plan.

It's standard to have any birthday bash on the nearest weekend in our house. That's when everyone is free, they come over and we have a great time to celebrate and none of the GPs or aunts or uncles or cousins or friends give a flying stuff if they don't clap eyes on the child on the ACTUAL AND EXACT DATE of the birth.

I mean that sort of thing is the domain of the actual parents isn't it?: ''This time 3 years ago darling we were at the hospital and you were screaming in agony and i was weeping holding your hand, remember?'' sort of thing GrinGrin

jacks11 · 20/07/2018 09:40

Good lord, why does MIL "wants" come before OP's? OP wants the day she has planned, her DP agreed happily and now only wants to change as MIL has had a strop about not getting her own way.

What you have planned is lovely, involves grandparents and family equally. They get a party, to spend time with him to see him open his presents and so on. If MIL isn't satisfied with that, I'd say that is her issue and not yours.

I have a feeling if you give into this, you'll be giving into her demands for some time to come. I think this time you simply have to say no or you'll be making a rod for your own back. After all, if you say yes to her you would have to allow your parents to come too and by the sounds of it that would scupper the plans you've made. Or risk upsetting your parents.

I don't understand the posts re "lucky to have involved grandparents... if you don't let her get her way she might stop being involved" or give her way in case you need childcare etc. If MIL decides as a result of this very reasonable decision to no longer be interested in her grandchildren, or refuse to help out etc- then that's on her. And would be rather like cutting her nose off to spite her face if does actually care about her DGS (as I suspect she does), so I don't think it's particularly likely.

Actually, I'm not sure I'd want a grandmother involved who was only a caring, loving grandparent if she got her own way and everyone did what she wanted. Because I suspect that kind of person would not actually be a caring, loving grandmother, TBH.

DobbyIsAGoodElf · 20/07/2018 10:16

In the interest of fairness if you let mil drop in then you must let everyone else drop in on the actual day.
In my case that would mean 4 sets of grandparents (both sets divorced) 1 set of great grandparents, 7 sets of aunties/uncles just to name a few. Id never leave get out of the house and we'd be stuck in all day on a birthday.

Your seeing family on the Sunday, letting ds open the presents in front of the giver and have been very accommodating to mil. Stick to your plan and have a lovely day op.

FrayedHem · 20/07/2018 10:46

I think I'd stick to your original plans which are very fair and reasonable. It doesn't sound like she'd be satisfied by a half an hour visit and I wouldn't risk your planned day being soured.

LePetitPont · 20/07/2018 10:54

Your plans of a family party on Sunday when the granddads can come, then your nuclear family on the actual birthday day followed by a little tea out with friends sounds perfect to me! You’ve included the grandparents and know they can all make it; there will be cake, bubbles and presents. No way i’d be entertaining my MIL trying to muscle in on my day off for a final Birthday hurrah before the new baby arrives.

Out of interest, what is she planning to do on the additional Monday if presents have already been opened on Sunday?

Hope your DS has a fabulous day 😀

KM99 · 20/07/2018 11:09

Your MIL is not unreasonable to want to see him on his birthday (she feels what she feels) but she is being unreasonable in using words like "unfair" to guilt trip you and DP into changing your plans.

I personally can't understand her fuss given he's 3 - he's not going to remember what day he saw GPs and opened presents.

Does she pull stuff like this regularly? If so you might be on dangerous ground giving in on this if it sets a precedent. If she's normally reasonable and supportive then maybe a quick visit on the day is the best option.

Original poster
Marshmallowflumps1 · 20/07/2018 11:49

Update - dp went to his mums this morning before he started work. He has said they are welcome the Sunday and they can come Monday night also to give him card and present then if they wish, but we have been so busy and really want Tuesday morning just for us.
Her response was that she wouldn’t attend the tea party on Sunday, saying why not just keep that for marshmallows family, and her, fil and dps brother will come on the Monday night.
This is fine by me. If they want to miss the party food, cake, candles, fizz etc but I’m not replicating the tea party on the Monday as a bespoke party just for their side of the family!
This is crazy and it’s about her saying she saw ds without my family there.
For those asking she does pull stunts like this from time to time. There is a back story.
She also helps us with childcare one day per week, which we are very grateful for and both she and ds enjoy this time, but I wonder if this means she feels that she has certain ‘rights’.
I’m sick of this possessiveness and competition.

OP posts:
another20 · 20/07/2018 12:00

She is a taker - you have already given her an inch - bending to her request with an extra slot specially for her on the Monday night in addition to the big family party on Sunday - but thats not enough tho is it?

Neither will be 30 mins on Tues.

I would be withdrawing the Mon night slot now at this stage due to her lack of graciousness and respect of your plans for YOUR family by her continued pushiness and claiming it 'unfair'.

Close her down, firmly and quickly so this is over and done with and then enjoy the run up to it.

I would have a contingency plan agreed with your DH - because you know she will just drop in regardless anyway on the TUES to hijack and get her own way.....probably after sulking and passive aggressive sniping at the Sunday and Monday events. Treat HER like a toddler with a warning, a firm consequence and time out!!!

another20 · 20/07/2018 12:04

Cross posts OP - new plan sounds fine - but be aware SHE is dictating here - fine that it suits you this time.

Competitive gran - sharp elbows has to be no 1 and all about her - not her DGS.

GreenTulips · 20/07/2018 12:23

Bet she's brings a cake!

Say thank you - we'll have it tomorrow!

Laiste · 20/07/2018 12:28

Green's probably spot on there. She'll try and turn it into party #2

Why on earth is she trying to distance herself from the general get together? To be honest i don't need to ask because it's something my mother would do.

What time is the Monday thing going on?

greenlynx · 20/07/2018 12:30

Your MIL certainly wants to make this day all about herself, her present, etc. She doesn’t want to share attention with your parents. You can’t always do separate celebrations for her, it’s ridiculous.
By the way, your original plan sounded nice and fair. Hope your DS will have great fun on Tuesday!

Laiste · 20/07/2018 12:31

The cake - or say,

''OH we all had SO much cake yesterday at his party which you wouldn't come to and it's still going strong so we'll have a slice of that and i'll put this extra one you bought round away for now. How lovely! 2 cakes!''

:)

MadMags · 20/07/2018 12:34

What a bitch! Sorry, but she is.

IF she brings a cake, take it straight to the kitchen and cut it up then hand it out with tea as though she’d brought a packet of biscuits.

Your DH sounds a bit wet so if you leave it intact it’s highly likely it’ll end up with candles in it and I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction.

ibblebibbledibble · 20/07/2018 12:34

I think you’re all being a bit uptight about it to be honest! She’s being odd insisting on seeing him on his actual birthday. Why can’t his party be enough? What if he was at nursery or school, will she still insist? Most people don’t live close enough to see on the actual day anyway.
But, meh, if they want to come, what does it really matter. ‘Yes mil, we’re in until 10, pop in for a coffee if you’re free’ no big deal.

another20 · 20/07/2018 12:36

Invite your family back on the Monday night as well just for the fireworks - and show lovely videos, photos of the day before.

Seriously tho - is she aware that there will be no cake etc - on Mon - has your DP agreed to that? Otherwise expect sulking and misery when she turns up, your DP being conflicted or if you do mention it - she will just rock up with the fizz and cake anyway and take over.

This is why you need v firm boundaries with these types from the start.

MadMags · 20/07/2018 12:37

I swear to God, I’d “accidentally” drop any fizz she brought.

I sound batshit, but I just wouldn’t allow her to treat me and my family that way.

wineandroses1 · 20/07/2018 12:41

Seriously OP, don't allow this. You'll be setting a precedent for the future - she will demand a separate party every year.

Laiste · 20/07/2018 12:42

I’m sick of this possessiveness and competition.

I can tell you now she won't change. As i say my mother would absolutely do this. Not so much the insistence on seeing GC on the day, but the avoiding getting involved with any celebration which wasn't with them as the main event. My older DDs always wanted both sets of GPs together - only happened a handful of times. Nearly every time it was DHs side of the family with cousins for a fun party and then - yes, just like OPs MIL wants - a weird secondary mini get together with just my parents. Trying to do sort of posh tea party which ''is so much nicer for GC'' ConfusedHmm