Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil unreasonable about ds birthday or am I?

351 replies

Marshmallowflumps1 · 19/07/2018 19:20

Name change as outing.
Ds to be three next Tuesday. I’m pregnant so we want to have a special day for his birthday knowing it’s the last we will have Just the three of us.
We have organised a family tea party on the Sunday for relatives, just cake balloons etc and a chance for both sets of grandparents to see him/give presents if they wish etc.
Then my dp and I have both taken the Tuesday off work, to give him presents in the morning, take him out to a local fair that’s here, and later that day we are joining a couple of friends with children similar age, to go for dinner at a local country pub with a play area etc.

My family has been fine with these plans. But mil has expressed that she feels it is unfair she is not seeing ds on his birthday. She wants to come round in the morning of his birthday to watch him open his presents from her on the day.
I have offered if she wants to come the Monday evening, as well as the Sunday to see ds and give gifts then, she is more than welcome. But that the Sunday was really just about us as a little family. She is still unhappy with this, pushing tp come for half an hour the morning of his birthday.

Dp has said would it really be so bad if they came just for half an hour to keep the peace? I think why should she be any different to any of the rest of mine and dps family. If they all insisted on popping in on the day for half an hour at some point, we would have a houseful and wouldn’t get out. I want to put my foot down and refuse. but Im aware that I’m hormonal and possibily having slightly irrational thoughts about my pfbs last birthday before he has a brother or sister, and want to keep him to myself, and may not be completely reasonable at the moment.
I’m really not sure so just wanted some objective opinions.

OP posts:
Cornishclio · 20/07/2018 00:32

As a grandmother myself I think your plans sound fine. Your MIL and Fil will see your DS on the Sunday presumably for more than 30 minutes and celebrate his birthday with your DPs. What is it with some GPs that they seem to try and compete with each other. Luckily we get on well with my DDs PIL. Don't give in. Some MIL give an inch they will take a mile. Your DS is three so wont really understand fully anyway.

stayathomer · 20/07/2018 00:36

Tbh I think you should let them on the day for a half hour if it's a big thing for her? Yanbu but I don't totally see why you wouldn't either?

ALittleBitofVitriol · 20/07/2018 00:39

Yanbu.
You don't have to explain or defend your plans for the day.
The family birthday party is on Sunday. Her impositions for Tuesday don't work for you. The end.

Is 'on the actual day' visits a thing in your dh's family?

You have a dh problem, not a mil problem though. I know, I was your dh - afraid to make waves with my mother. Everything would have been much less dramatic if I'd had the guts to call out shit like this right from the beginning. He needs his first reaction to be lightly/kindly/lovingly telling his mum no and sticking up for you. So, when she asks for stuff like this, he says "aww mum that's sweet but the family party is on Sunday, can't wait to see you then, ds will be so happy!"

She'll probably push and sulk and do some dramatic threat to flounce, which should tell your dh that it's all about her - not about your ds.

AngelsOnHigh · 20/07/2018 00:48

OP , your plans sound lovely. Stick with them.

I really believe that grandparents need to remember that that is exactly what they are. They have had their time as parents with special family times. They can't rewind the clock and have them over again with the DGC.

As many posters have pointed out, the 3 year old will remember the Sunday as a special day with DGPs. He's not going to remember that it wasn't actually his birthday.

My DGC usually seem to have a birthday week. If I don't see them on their actual birthday, I see them the weekend before or after. Actually, everytime I see them, is a special day for me.

bookbuddy · 20/07/2018 00:51

As with anything you can’t please everyone so don’t, you have been more than accommodating arranging a party on the Sunday. Just say sorry that won’t work for us but we could Facetime/call you on the day.

DarkDarkNight · 20/07/2018 00:51

I wouldn’t exclude my parents from seeing my child on his birthday, it’s only half an hour. Put yourself in their place. My parents are easygoing and wouldn’t dream of saying anything but this would hurt them.

You don’t really want a day just for the three of you if you are going out with friends anyway.

MsPavlichenko · 20/07/2018 01:12

My DC are adults. My DM and DMIL.sadly gone far to soon. Close to and loved them both even after leaving XH. Miss them every day. Both amazing Grannies in different ways.

I don't get this. Make your plans. Invite folk to suit you and your family. That's it. I wouldn't engage further.

CaledonianQueen · 20/07/2018 02:11

I think your plans are lovely!

My dh worked away when my two were little so several times we moved their birthday to a separate day when dh was home and we had family over. Then on the actual day I would have saved presents for them to open and have a lovely day with them. It was lovely as they almost had 2 or 3 birthday celebrations ( sometimes having a party with their friends)!

Caterina99 · 20/07/2018 04:56

He’s 3. Tell him his birthday is Sunday and he’s having a party and presents. Then Tuesday is a day out and meeting friends. Also for his birthday. My DS pretty much had a birthday week at 3.

I’d stick to your plan. Won’t your parents be hurt that you accommodated mil on the Tuesday but not them because they respected your wishes and she was pushy? Mine would. But then I don’t really care about specific days for birthdays and your plan sounds lovely.

hibeat · 20/07/2018 05:17

She could come on Monday night really and headstart the birthday, This would be a special moment but you might be more tired with having someone at your house the day before Dday. The Tuesday risk is she coming and stopping everything from happening. Or crashing the dinner party. He's three, I would do a One two three party, One with Dad, two with granny three with friends same age (does she have to know about the third party ?) They're all special and you keep your peace. Some people make a point on being there on the day. I totally get the three of us thing, but it's never really the three of us, if there was not a granny there would not be a hubby. It stinks sometimes. Boundaries ownership and maintenance, difficult stuff.

Shoxfordian · 20/07/2018 05:51

Your plans sound good op
I think you need to gently try to dissuade your husband from being such a people pleaser and stick to your plans with you.

Owlettele · 20/07/2018 05:59

@TrashPanda mine would. Or immediately after whilst im trying to do tea and all other things with grumpy children.

Original poster
Marshmallowflumps1 · 20/07/2018 06:22

I wonder if the situation was different and the family party was arranged, but it was my dm pushing to come on the Tuesday, after already being offered extra compared to pils on the Monday night, how many posters would be saying just let your dm come.

I think it would be a case of posters piling in saying Im showing favouritism to my parents whilst pushing out pils.

OP posts:
Janus · 20/07/2018 06:28

Honestly, I would let grandma see dc on their birthday, just for half an hour, cup of tea, present and then say you need to get on. I second the person who said be grateful you have a parent that wants to see them so much, I bet you’ll want her to babysit at some point!! Only problem I can see is then other parents will be sad they can’t see them and it can all spiral but hope you can sort that out?

RandomMess · 20/07/2018 06:49

At the end of the day it's a day of leave you have both taken from work to chill and do stuff you've planned. Just because it's DS Birthday why does she get to change into something else.

You are doing the big celebrations on the Sunday - I would have brushed it off with a "don't be ridiculous".

NWQM · 20/07/2018 06:50

OP you sound as if you have made a real effort for your DS’s birthday. I’m struggling to understand why any third party - Grandma or not - gets to throw a strop about what they want & you are supposed to bend. The birthday party is at the weekend. They are invited. He is 3 so friendship group isn’t. Massively common. On his actual day - mid-week - he is having a little tea with closest friends. Again here that’s common - ‘big party’ when most common, small celebration on the day because would have been in school / nursery. You are taking the day and planning a special time - we do that as kids birthdays are in the hols - and it’s effectively one of their presents. I really don’t get why people are saying that guest at any part of your celebrations can say ‘thanks for the invite but that’s not actually good enough’. What has your DP said?

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 20/07/2018 06:50

I am going to so rock being a MIL! Your plans sound lovely. Another year he might be in school and you don't want her thinking she can come before school. What about when dc2 comes along, sounds as if might always be in summer holidays. Having to be near her on his birthday would restrict when you could go away on holiday, especially with one at the beginning and one later on. Or you would have to take her on holiday. Your solution is perfectly fair. Maybe say 'well next year if df and dfil book the afternoon off then we will do a family party then and have our own day at the weekend.' Much better too if you can spread the presents and excitement out over a few days.

redfairy · 20/07/2018 07:04

I wouldn't tie yourself in knots explaining yourself to MIL. You've made plans on the day so have arranged family time on the Sunday. Like it or lump it.
Is she proposing not to come on the Sunday btw or planning on coming to you on both days?

greendale17 · 20/07/2018 07:08

**I wouldn’t exclude my parents from seeing my child on his birthday, it’s only half an hour. Put yourself in their place. My parents are easygoing and wouldn’t dream of saying anything but this would hurt them.

You don’t really want a day just for the three of you if you are going out with friends anyway.**

^This. To be honest I thought you would have done this the other way round. Family on the actual birthday and friends on the Sunday.

AgathaRaisonDetra · 20/07/2018 07:13

greendale RTFT!!!!! The family can't come on the Tuesday. Have a 🍪

BigPinkBall · 20/07/2018 07:24

Reading the replies to this I can’t believe some people are such pushovers. I wouldn’t inconvenience myself for mil just because she wants to see him on the actual birthday day, her wants don’t trump the (heavily pregnant) mothers!

We all know that it wouldn’t be just 30 minutes, she’ll turn up 20 minutes later than planned then she’ll want a coffee and start chatting then there’ll be a toy to open that will need batteries/assembling then she’ll want to watch him play with it, then she’ll say show me your other presents then she’ll want to help him eat his breakfast then before you know it she’s been there for 2 hours and he’s getting tired and wound up so you think he’d better have a nap before we leave and half your day is gone.

I can’t see anything wrong with spending time with friends when you’ve already had 2 days with family, after all you choose your friends so it makes sense you’d prefer to be with them, the mil isn’t exactly hard done by, she’s got the opportunity to spend time with him on the 2 days before his birthday!

Notonthestairs · 20/07/2018 07:31

We arrange every family birthday party for the Sunday closest to the actual day. That way everyone who wants to visit can and it easy for people to plan around. On the day itself it's a treat for the birthday child.
Easy. It's worked for the last 15 years without complaint!
YANBU.

Mummaloves · 20/07/2018 07:35

@DarkDarkNight had it spot on !

And why is there always one 'man hater' who's says "You have a dh problem, not a mil problem" how is it his fault ??.

Sounds like OPs Dh is trying to keep the peace and not upset his mother, while still doing the Tuesday day out. Not a bad bloke then.

My MIL has never bothered with my kids, so think yourself lucky and stop trying to control the whole situation, you may need their help soon when you have a new born and a toddler.

exLtEveDallas · 20/07/2018 07:46

Neither sets of parents here have ever seen DD on her birthday. Her birthday was about her, doing whatever she wanted to do. One time swimming, one time Safari Park, one time water park, one time Go Ape and so on (and since age 11 it's been all about being with her mates). We go to see the GPs on the weekend before or after the birthday. As a little one DD always loved this - it meant 3 cakes!

I think your plans sound lovely OP.

IAmGrootGrootIAm · 20/07/2018 07:47

Your mil is being ridiculous. Have your lovely chilled Tuesday

Is she likely to just turn up though?