Dummy shaming

[Emsmomma]

First post here but really looking for some advice.

I feel like I’m really being dummy shamed at the moment with my 2 and a half year old. She isn’t reliant on the dummy and I actually don’t mind her having it but I’m noticing it more and more and it’s making me feel like I should be embarrassed about letting her have one. My mum is terrible for taking her dummy off her and actually refuses to speak to her if she has her dummy in. Little one was quite poorly once and she still took her dummy off her and said ‘you don’t need that dirty thing’. Que little one being quite upset as naturally she was unwell and looking for some comfort.

The last two days though, two separate workers at her nursery have made a comment. To put into context she sometimes has it on a morning when heading to nursery but puts it straight in her bag when we get there. She doesn’t have a sleep during the day anymore so doesn’t have it at all during the day but when I go to collect her she’ll get her dummy out of her bag. Generally has it in the car on the 5 minute journey home and then not again until bedtime. Yesterday morning one of the younger nursery workers opened the door and said ‘oh why’ve you got a dummy in, you’re a big girl and don’t need that’ and then another older worker this evening pretty much said the same thing ‘you don’t have a dummy at nursery, big girls don’t need them’ I just retorted with ‘she does have one and it’s ok for her to have one’ I think she knew she’d upset me.

I know the feeling on it is probably stemming from my mum but I just don’t understand how it’s become ok to dummy shame? When she gets rid of her dummy is mine, hers and daddies decision.

We’re thinking of trying to get rid at Christmas, as at the moment we’ve just put her in a big girls bed, trying to potty train too so I don’t want everything at once for her.

Sorry for the long post/rant but feel like I’m going crazy!

We had this. People are idiots but you handled it perfectly, sometimes people need to made aware of when they overstep

Do what you think is right and don’t second guess yourself. My FIL always carried on about the pacifier in my younger sons mouth. I just told him I’m sure he won’t have it in his mouth on his wedding day. It really doesn’t sound like your child has it much at all. You know your child best.

If I saw a child that age with a dummy in I would probably feel a bit judgemental (not sure why though?!) but I would never, ever pass any kind of comment to indicate I thought the use of the dummy was inappropriate.

YANBU to feel angry or upset because the comments made by the nursery staff weren’t necessary and they weren’t nice but it sounded like you handled it superbly with your response!!

While I do think this is up to the parents... I do feel sorry for the kid. I know a few adults with fucked up teeth as they were allowed to continue with a dummy/ thumb sucking.

DD has a dummy and is just over 2.5, we’ve just gone from leaving it in the car during the day at Nursery to leaving it at home. She only has it at night anyway but had it in the car too. She loves it when she is tired it’s her main source of comfort.

We are also going to go with getting rid at Christmas with giving the dummy to Santa so he can give it to another baby or some such.

Dummies do interfere with speech and tooth growth though. Maybe nursery has a policy of discouraging them, not that your child uses it all the time but others may do?

Your mum sounds really annoying about it. I think the nursery workers are probably just meant to encourage kids not to have dummies in during nursery as obviously it would stop them talking (obviously your DD os barely using her so it won't have any negative impact).

Staff should not have commented. Your child not theirs. They are paid to look after child, not undermined mother.

I got rid of dummies a fair bit before that age, because my kids were wanting them constantly not just for comfort. So with DC1 we got rid when he had a cold. DC2 I can't remember how but we also got rid about 1yo.

I don't regret giving my kids dummies. They are god sends

One reason we are keeping the dummy is that DD started sucking her thumb when we tried to take it away.

I’d rather she got to the stage where she didn’t want her dummy anymore than start sucking her thumb in it’s absence because I can’t exactly take her thumb away to stop her!

Ignore the judgemental people, it’s a dummy. Not exactly like you’re ignoring her and giving her red bull and crisps is it.

It’s quite telling that she doesn’t have it all day at nursery but ‘needs’ it the second you arrive.

I won’t talk to a child with a dummy in either- they need to take it out.

And just to be clear, mine has dummies but they left them in their beds for sleep only.

Nursery will be discouraging the dummy for speech development

My neighbours child who is in year 6 has a dummy. Now that i judge.

The thing is OP, it DOES interfere with speech and cause issues with teeth so the nursery probably is encouraged to discourage dummy use at that age. However, you are right it is your decision so YANBU to be upset at comments even though they are probably only trying to help.

@mynameisjune

We did it at Christmas... for the baby elves, they’re so busy making making toys that they don’t have time to make dummy’s. Put them all in a jar and the elves left gold and silver choc coins in return 👌

A 2.5 year old should only be having a dummy in bed though surely? Not walking around with it.

I wouldn't talk to a child that age with a dummy plugged in their mouth either!

At 2.5 your child should only have a dummy if they're upset or for sleep (although imo they shouldn't have them at all at that age).

I wouldn't talk to a child with their dummy in as they would respond by talking arounf their dummy.

I always tell the 2 year olds i teach that they dont have dummies in nursery and I don't want to see them. In their own home they can do what they want but they really shouldn't have a dummy at the age they are.

Bit rude that you'd all completely blank or tell a kid you'd not talk to them until they took their dummy out tbh.

You shouldn’t be talking to her with a dummy in either as she shouldn’t be talking round it. And if she isn’t needing a sleep any more through the day then it should remain in her bed. Unless she is unwell and needing a nap.
YABU.
It also seems odd she would need more “comfort” with you then away from you, so I suspect it’s more about your need to placate her- do you feel guilty about her going to nursery?

Honestly, people getting worked up over dummies drives me mad.
My eldest was 6 when it went. Yes 6!
She got rid of it at 4 for 6 months and cried silently every evening and told me how sad she felt with out it.
6 long months and I gave it back.
She only had it in bed. It lived in her bedroom during latter years. And carried plenty of her own shame.
Her speech was just fine, even from very young. And I flagged it with a dentist who kindly told me to get a grip. Unless she was walking around with it in all day it wasn’t a problem. And that her teeth weren’t being effected. That was the point I decided I wasn’t going to lose sleep over it.
Honestly, don’t fret. It sounds like it’s a comfort and judgements are required. Like you say. It’s down to you no one else

I don’t blank them, I just say ‘I can’t understand you with your dummy in, please take it out.’ Which is true.

First off, "dummy shaming" makes you sound like an over dramatic idiot. That's not a thing.

Secondly, it's 'cue'; 'que' isn't a word. (Queue is, but that's the long line at bus stops thing).

Actual point: ok maybe your mum is being a bit annoying if she is constantly going on about it and taking it off your dd when she's ill seems a bit harsh, but at the point when three separate people, all of whom have your child's best interests at heart, are commenting on the dummy, maybe, just maybe, you might want to think about whether they have a point. Dummies can hinder speech development. They can impact dental growth. All children who have a dummy will have to give them up, and generally they don't like doing so.

Does your dd really need a dummy for the journey home? Or is it just a convenient way to keep her quiet in the car? Nursery staff may well be wondering why she is able to cope without it all day at nursery but as soon as she's with you, in it goes.

Maybe consider taking the hint rather than being upset that there's a whole load of people looking out for your kid?

MsFrizzle - it's no good for a toddler's speech development to talk round a dummy. I'd ask them to remove it then speak to me.
Same as I won't speak to a child talking with a mouthful of food - I ask them to finish eating then tell me.

Children past the age of about 1 with dummies is something I really don't like because of the problems they cause with teeth and speech. I know a child who's teeth are really messed up and speech is very bad because of having a dummy too long. I'm sorry but I think it's selfish to knowingly let that happen just so that you don't have to deal with them whinging. Until kids are old enough to understand how to look after their teeth then it is the parents responsibility.

I think they could have phrased it better but they are trying to help your child progress & at that age a lot of progression is speech.

Kids can’t speak properly with a dummy in.

I did take the dummy off mine in the daytime at this age and insisted they take it out their mouth before speaking to anyone, me included as I think it’s best they don’t try and speak with it. But no I don’t pass judgement on others and how they raise their children regarding dummies- I can’t get worked up about it. I’m always at people who do butt in about trivial stuff like this.

I took a friend’s toddler to a toddler group not long ago and a childminder started in on said toddler who is 2 about his dummy. It’s a comforter and her attitude seemed to make him want it even more!