Dummy shaming

[Emsmomma]

First post here but really looking for some advice.

I feel like I’m really being dummy shamed at the moment with my 2 and a half year old. She isn’t reliant on the dummy and I actually don’t mind her having it but I’m noticing it more and more and it’s making me feel like I should be embarrassed about letting her have one. My mum is terrible for taking her dummy off her and actually refuses to speak to her if she has her dummy in. Little one was quite poorly once and she still took her dummy off her and said ‘you don’t need that dirty thing’. Que little one being quite upset as naturally she was unwell and looking for some comfort.

The last two days though, two separate workers at her nursery have made a comment. To put into context she sometimes has it on a morning when heading to nursery but puts it straight in her bag when we get there. She doesn’t have a sleep during the day anymore so doesn’t have it at all during the day but when I go to collect her she’ll get her dummy out of her bag. Generally has it in the car on the 5 minute journey home and then not again until bedtime. Yesterday morning one of the younger nursery workers opened the door and said ‘oh why’ve you got a dummy in, you’re a big girl and don’t need that’ and then another older worker this evening pretty much said the same thing ‘you don’t have a dummy at nursery, big girls don’t need them’ I just retorted with ‘she does have one and it’s ok for her to have one’ I think she knew she’d upset me.

I know the feeling on it is probably stemming from my mum but I just don’t understand how it’s become ok to dummy shame? When she gets rid of her dummy is mine, hers and daddies decision.

We’re thinking of trying to get rid at Christmas, as at the moment we’ve just put her in a big girls bed, trying to potty train too so I don’t want everything at once for her.

Sorry for the long post/rant but feel like I’m going crazy!

I think it’s fairly standard for nurseries to not let them have dummies at that age. The two different nurseries my dc were at (they didn’t start until 18 months so I guess was more relaxed with the tiny ones) had a box at the reception but where dummies had to be left. Why do you let her have it in the da at all? If she manages all day without it surely she can cope with a 5 minute drive home.

I have to say I would be a bit judgy if a mum thought it was fine for a 2.5 year to keep a dummy in during the day while someone was trying to have a conversation with the child.

My 3 yo DS is exactly the same as your DD, has it only a bedtimes and when wanting comfort (so poorly or hurt himself) but likes to have it to walk to nursery with and I let him as its quite early and he's still tired. Nursery haven't said anything to me as yet though they do try to discourage it (have seen them do so with another child) he always hands it to me when we get to his room but if they did say something I think I'd react with a similar comment to yours.
It's my decision of when the dummy 'goes missing' and having just got my DS back into his own room after months and months of co sleeping (scared of his room) I'm willing to let him hang on to it til at least the end of the year unless he himself decides to give it up sooner.
I do however ask him to take his dummy out when speaking to me or anyone mainly because I cannot understand him otherwise, but also yes I worry it might interfere with his speech if I didn't make him take it out. He does speaks very clear for his age though so doesn't seem to have made any impact so far and as long as he doesn't have it in all day I'm not massively bothered

My 2.5 year old has a dummy before /after nursery and at night. I really don't care. He likes it and he's usually knackered after nursery. His speech is fantastic and dentist has never mentioned any teeth issues. As long as it's gone by school I'll be happy.

If an adult refused to speak to my child because they had a dummy in I would probably not let that person near my child.

If they know she doesn’t have it in all day at nursery then yes, they were out of order to bring it up in that way.

But perhaps seeing her arrive with it and want it as soon as you come to collect her they think she has it in for the 16 or so hours a day she is not with them? In which case their concern (even if not well phrased) comes from genuine worries about her speech etc.

My almost 3 year old still has a dummy for nap time and at night.
He wants it more during the day and sometimes I do give in because he sees his baby brother with one (if he needs it) and doesn't understand why he can't have his too🤷‍♀️, it's not going to hurt him. He has fantastic speech, and I also spoke to our dentist recently who said his teeth are perfect. He will probably need a brace anyway as I had awful teeth and no I didn't have a dummy or suck my thumb !!

My children never had dummies and I don’t know why because I bought them some when they were born. They just didn’t want them for some reason - BUT I have no problem with little toddlers having them if it gives them any kind of comfort. One of my sons took a little blanket with him everywhere for years. I still have it in my 'mum drawer'. He’s 43.

Tell them your her mother NOT them.

I really dislike dummies and think they look awful. I was adamant I wasn't going to use them with my son, but he was admitted to hospital at 9 days as he was guzzling his milk too quickly and being sick, and the doctor said a dummy would satisfy his need to suck and stop him drinking so much milk too quickly. I was horrified but we bought some see-through dummies by Avent and they worked and regulated his feeding. However I tried not to let him have a dummy very often and felt very self-conscious using one if we were out and about. I can't put my finger on it, but I just don't like them. My mum hates them too, so that's probably where I get it from. I hid them from her! When my son was 3 months old I threw them all out and he didn't miss them at all. I worried about his teeth and speech and was glad to get rid of them. At my son's nursery dummies were allowed for babies, but by 2 they preferred children not to have dummies. I don't think dummies are great when children are speaking, and it's a harder habit to break as they get older, so you may just need to go cold turkey... Good luck!

I don’t think the comments from the Nursery staff were too much at all - it’s their job to develop your child and you sound very tough about it to be honest.
Your mother sounds a bit bossy and that’s only too familiar in my family - Nana knows best and undermines parent (so annoying).
For all of those saying dummies don’t affect teeth - they really can! My now 4yo niece had a dummy she always had at a jaunty angle to the right of her mouth. The right front tooth only descended half way and stayed like that for so long - leaving a handy gap for the dummy!! My sister bit the bullet and got rid of the dummy and then the tooth began to descend again but 2 years later you can still see her front teeth are uneven. Obviously not every dummy using child will have issues but it can and does happen. Just get rid of it - why delay??

I don’t understand why people get excited about dummies.

So long as a child isn’t still using a dummy when their adult teeth start to grow in, there is no effect on adult teeth. In fact, taking a dummy away from a child who isn’t ready may result in them sucking their thumb. Thumb sucking is a much more serious issue: it tends to persist for longer, and therefore can easily have an effect on adult teeth.

As for affecting speech development ... I guess if a child has a dummy in its mouth all day every day, this might be a concern. Personally, I’ve never faced any problems with it.

My children had dummies available from birth until they gave it up of their own accord, which all did at age 2 or 3. The youngest one was latest to stop at 3 years 7 months. She is now a successful lawyer.

Does your mum refuse to speak to her with a dummy in or ask her to take it out? It is difficult to understand a child who is calking awoung a gummy ing her mouch.

I wouldn't talk to a child with a dummy in its mouth. It's bad for their speech and it's bad manners imo.

OP you don't seem to be taking on board the criticism coming from most people on this thread.
Surely seeing so many people disagreeing with you would make you reconsider the dummy?
I do agree it should be your choice to take it away but I wonder whether you've done your research beyond asking your dentist.
You seem to just be brushing it off with words to the effect of 'oh well it's good to all be different'

What’s wrong with making the child take their dummy out before they speak to you? I thought that was a perfectly normal thing to do, you can’t understand them properly with it in.

Never gave my dc dummies, but it's parental choice. I do not approve of them but I'd never be so rude as to directly comment (even to my own dgc)

I wouldn't want to converse with a child with a dummy in its mouth. At 2.5, you should be encouraging her to lose it.

I am horribly snobby about dummies but gave one out of desperation to one of mine when he was 7 months old.

I was always utterly ashamed of it and he could only have it in the car or in bed!

QueenBee the op didn’t ask for opinions on whether she should take her DC’s dummy away.

Why are you so keen to see someone take away their child’s comforter? Why does it matter to you?

Ah I get it now, dummies are ‘lower class’ of course 🙄

Let them all fuck off.

I know a speech and language therapist, she was giving a talk to parents and is hugely respected here. A parent asked about this and she said unless the child has a dummy constantly and is trying to talk ‘through’ the dummy then it’s not that bad at all.

If you want her to give up the dummy then whenever the time is right, just prick a few holes in the top and gradually she will get sick if it as the good will be gone out of it.

Good luck.

I think dummies are filthy dirty things but would never say this to ppl using them. It's very much what works for individual parents. But I would lose respect for them for their decisions.

She's 2 FFS! Not 22! And as for the 'making her grow up' comment- really?? Should a 2 year old not need comfort then?

We sure like to confuse our children in this country. "Here, have this bit of plastic to suck on so you don't use me for comfort" When they're babies and then "why on earth are you sucking on that bit of plastic for comfort?" 2 years later!

I didn't want a dummy for DS and lucky he has never had one (now 8mo) but I wouldn't advocate taking a dummy off a child - especially if they're ill! Nor trying to make the poor thing give it up when she isn't ready!

I never even offered my dc a dummy as I do not approve of them at all, in no normal circumstances can I see the need for them. But it's parental choice. Just because I loathe them does not mean I will be nasty to parents who choose to use them.

This used to irritate me as well op and I imagine it will again as dd2 is now very attached to her dummy.

Our dentist advised us not to be concerned until 3. She did develop a gap in her teeth but it grew out within a few months and there is no lasting issue.

We would ask dd to remove it while talking.

Nursery would nicely get her to put it in a drawer at the start of the day and take it out again at the end. Same with her comforter dog. I had no issue as long as it was done kindly.

It is of course different at childcare as with a home setting. At nursery they could get 10 toddlers to lie down on the floor at one time and go to sleep so it is hardly surprising that they managed to encourage a child to let go of the dummy.

There is plenty of evidence to discourage dummy use after one year, Restrict it to bedtimes only , keep it in the bedroom. For starters, The longer you leave it the harder it will be

Your child your rules.

In my experience if they have it past 1 it's with you until you can talk about it properly. For both my girls that was age 3 where I had a proper conversation, we "gave it to the new babies", no tears, done. Before then they simply didn't understand and would have just been hysterical.

As long as she isn't on it constantly I don't see a problem.

Not sure what you are asking if you are unreasonable about.
However, of course the Nursery are right to discourage dummy use. they have a responsibility to support and encourage the best development in all aspects, of every child in their care. A massive part of that is speech development, which is badly affected by dc walking round with dummies in their mouths.

I'm not 'anti-dummy'. All my 3 had them, but they had them to go to sleep, not when they were trying to talk. I think your Mum's policy is a good one.

Does anyone know any child irl whose speech was slowed by having a dummy?

Yes, loads and loads. I come across it week in and week out. It is unbelievable that people think trying to develop early speech wouldn't be impeded by having a great big stopper in your mouth, blocking the very muscles children should be using to form speech sounds.