Dummy shaming

[Emsmomma]

First post here but really looking for some advice.

I feel like I’m really being dummy shamed at the moment with my 2 and a half year old. She isn’t reliant on the dummy and I actually don’t mind her having it but I’m noticing it more and more and it’s making me feel like I should be embarrassed about letting her have one. My mum is terrible for taking her dummy off her and actually refuses to speak to her if she has her dummy in. Little one was quite poorly once and she still took her dummy off her and said ‘you don’t need that dirty thing’. Que little one being quite upset as naturally she was unwell and looking for some comfort.

The last two days though, two separate workers at her nursery have made a comment. To put into context she sometimes has it on a morning when heading to nursery but puts it straight in her bag when we get there. She doesn’t have a sleep during the day anymore so doesn’t have it at all during the day but when I go to collect her she’ll get her dummy out of her bag. Generally has it in the car on the 5 minute journey home and then not again until bedtime. Yesterday morning one of the younger nursery workers opened the door and said ‘oh why’ve you got a dummy in, you’re a big girl and don’t need that’ and then another older worker this evening pretty much said the same thing ‘you don’t have a dummy at nursery, big girls don’t need them’ I just retorted with ‘she does have one and it’s ok for her to have one’ I think she knew she’d upset me.

I know the feeling on it is probably stemming from my mum but I just don’t understand how it’s become ok to dummy shame? When she gets rid of her dummy is mine, hers and daddies decision.

We’re thinking of trying to get rid at Christmas, as at the moment we’ve just put her in a big girls bed, trying to potty train too so I don’t want everything at once for her.

Sorry for the long post/rant but feel like I’m going crazy!

I was against dummies past the baby stage, mine only had it to sleep and were weaned off it at around 1yo.
BUT DS is now 4 1/2 and still sucks on things when he is tired, not thumb but his bed covers or soft toys etc which makes me think that maybe he would have been hapier if I let him keep a dummy. Who cares if they are old, if it brings them comfort, especially when they are fallung asleep and don't need to talk...
So YANBU

Personally I feel she is a bit old to have a dummy during the day and I'd absolutely be making her take it out to talk to you - it makes speech indistinct and prevents them forming mouth shapes properly.

At night is different, if it helps her sleep I'd stick with it!

For what it's worth both my DC were/are dummy users and very attached. They both had them removed for daytime use at 2. My 2 year old now happily announces 'Dummy bed' and leaves it there every morning.

Why did you find their comments "shaming"? Talk to any dentist regarding the effects of dummy sucking past the age of one max. It affects not only the incoming teeth, but the entire jawline.

Nursery isn't undermining mum they are doing their jobs; their priority is supporting your child's communication development. They follow the Development Matters document. To them a dummy will be affecting the progress she is making in this area. There's a lot of things my pupils do at home I don't allow in school, nursery is no different.

Hi guys can you send some links about the dentist stuff - would like to read.

Your DD hardly has the dummy. 5 mins in car before and after nursery and then at bedtime is nothing.

10-15 minutes a day of dummy time is not going to affect speech development.

Dentists recommend a dummy over a thumb - can't chop a thumb off 😁

You are fine OP. Just ignore the comments.
We persuaded our then nearly 3 yr old with a present she could choose from the dummy fairy in exchange for the dummies - other little babies needed them.

She still refers to her bear as "Dummy bear".

All the best.

None of my three had dummies, I don't like them. How can you talk to a child while they've got one in their mouths

I know that children with Autism and SN sometimes like dummies, because of the sensory feeling, it can help them to cope, that is why I do not judge. However, if a young child is trying to talk to me with a dummy in his mouth, impeding his speech, I am not keen.

There'll be plenty of other articles you can find online, but here is one.

Basic gist - a bit of light dummy use isn't the end of the world when they are babies BUT:

The BDA recommends that the habit be curtailed at the age of 12-months in order to reduce the chance of associated oral health problems.

link dentists/policy-campaigns/public-health-science/public-health/position-statements/Pages/dummy-use.aspx

dentists/policy-campaigns/public-health-science/public-health/position-statements/Pages/dummy-use.aspx

Not sure if I can get clicky links to work when posting from my phone, sorry.

I share the views of many others, I think OP should be looking to get rid of the dummy. The potential impact on speech and language development and dental care/hygiene are valid and accurate points.

The fact you felt shame, makes me wonder if you actually aren't as OK with the use of dummy yourself.

My 2 year old had his till 18 months and I regret not getting rid sooner. Was much easier than I thought, I do wonder if it'll be harder to remove the older she gets.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

It’s not really for them to comment but...have you never wondered why is she happy to go all day without it, but has it when you arrive?
Just from my own experience my DN’s had dummies and I absolutely couldn’t tell what they were saying when they had in their mouths.

Bosswitch - wow thanks for your response. I take your comments on board but don't think there was any need for the spelling lesson or general nastiness. I guess the clue is in your username though.

Strange as our dentist has told us that so long as it's gone but the time she's 3 there won't be any issues. He's said her teeth are just fine and to crack on as we are but I'd be interested in raising that with him again.

As for her going for it when I get to nursery I've always seen that as a positive thing, she grabs her dummy, has a big cuddle with me and then back out it comes as we head to the car. It's almost like it's a quick comfort thing after a long day. Maybe it's just habit now so it's become her routine.

Thanks for the supportive messages here, I really appreciate the support. I suppose it's a touchy subject, some people choose not to have dummies and others do. Such is life, wouldn't be fun if we were all the same!

OP doesn't give the child the dummy in the day (car ride aside) so why so many comments about speech?!
OP according to mumsnet your child will have a dummy in until she's 20 and never be able to speak properly

Oh and the ruining the teeth thing is bollocks.

She is way too old to be having a dummy. They are doing the right thing by trying to help her grow up as she is way behind where she needs to be. You might want to keep her a baby forever but you're hurting her in the process

I really, really dislike dummies. I think they look awful! A huge chunk of plastic sticking out of their gorgeous face! I was adamant that no child of mine would have one. Then reality set in and I had a baby who had reflux. I caved on a few occasions and offered a dummy but he refused! Even tried squirting breast milk over the end out of pure desperation!
I totally see the benefit of dummies now (though still don't like the look of them) however I do agree that perhaps 2 may be a bit too old for one? It's a tough habit to break so must be harder when they're older and more habitual?
It's always up to you as parents but it does hinder their speech and can impact their teeth. I'm guessing the nursery aren't allowed to promote dummy use?

As a sleeping aid it’s fine. She’s still little.

At her age I’d be encoraging her to leave it in the day though. And I’m another one who won’t talk to a child till they take the dummy out.

Does she still take the breast/bottle? No judgement at all but just wondering if she needs that extra comfort.

DD had a dentist appointment recently, I mentioned the dummy. The Dentist told me it’s fine but try to be rid by 3, which is the end of the year. DD was an early talker and is better than most at her Nursery, which Nursery and her HV have told us.

Honestly all the dummy hate is so disproportionate, it’s a dummy. A form of comfort, I can guarantee they won’t have them at 15.

Using a dummy has become very 'common' se people are perfectly happy to dummy shame much in the way they formula shame. Just ignore them and crack with it, maybe allow yourself to smugly think to yourself that they must be vair lower middle class if they are so eager to display how anti dummy they are.

OP, sorry - you caught me on a grumpy day. However, you might want to avoid the AIBU board in future, you will find it is normally quite blunt here.

YANBU. My mum was doing this to my 3 month old at the time! I really don't understand it. She's 13 months now and still has one for comfort and sleep, and I don't intend to take it away for quite some time, I'll take her lead.

The only time I've ever judged someone (in my head, not out loud) was when they're school age child still had one a lot a talked with it in. The poor child's teeth you could see were really affected. I think for a toddler, and especially if it's not in all day is absolutely fine

My nearly 2 year old still has a dummy but since about 10m it has been relegated to the bedroom. She passes it to me happily as soon as she wakes up and never asks for it during the day.

I'm a big fan of dummies for sleeping but I think they hinder speech if used too much, I can't understand a word DD says if she talks with her's in and I think her speech is very good for her age.

It does sound like you've taken the easy option a bit, car journeys, cuddles etc. Does she need the dummy for short car journeys or is it to keep her from whining (no judgement btw car journeys can be hard work with a toddler) Have you considered just keeping it for sleeping then it's one less battle when you get rid of the dummy for good?

I only got as far as the first pp who said dummies are bad for teeth and speech development. Complete rubbish!
Youngest DD had her dummy till she was 6 (at home only) and was the only one if my three who didn't need braces. She still hasn't got any fillings at 42. It certainly didn't slow her speech development either.
Does anyone know any child irl whose speech was slowed by having a dummy? Or whose teeth didn't develop properly?