Dummy shaming

[Emsmomma]

First post here but really looking for some advice.

I feel like I’m really being dummy shamed at the moment with my 2 and a half year old. She isn’t reliant on the dummy and I actually don’t mind her having it but I’m noticing it more and more and it’s making me feel like I should be embarrassed about letting her have one. My mum is terrible for taking her dummy off her and actually refuses to speak to her if she has her dummy in. Little one was quite poorly once and she still took her dummy off her and said ‘you don’t need that dirty thing’. Que little one being quite upset as naturally she was unwell and looking for some comfort.

The last two days though, two separate workers at her nursery have made a comment. To put into context she sometimes has it on a morning when heading to nursery but puts it straight in her bag when we get there. She doesn’t have a sleep during the day anymore so doesn’t have it at all during the day but when I go to collect her she’ll get her dummy out of her bag. Generally has it in the car on the 5 minute journey home and then not again until bedtime. Yesterday morning one of the younger nursery workers opened the door and said ‘oh why’ve you got a dummy in, you’re a big girl and don’t need that’ and then another older worker this evening pretty much said the same thing ‘you don’t have a dummy at nursery, big girls don’t need them’ I just retorted with ‘she does have one and it’s ok for her to have one’ I think she knew she’d upset me.

I know the feeling on it is probably stemming from my mum but I just don’t understand how it’s become ok to dummy shame? When she gets rid of her dummy is mine, hers and daddies decision.

We’re thinking of trying to get rid at Christmas, as at the moment we’ve just put her in a big girls bed, trying to potty train too so I don’t want everything at once for her.

Sorry for the long post/rant but feel like I’m going crazy!

They are probably trying to help. Start having her leave it at home? Why does she need to arrive at nursery with it in?

**At 2.5 your child should only have a dummy if they're upset or for sleep (although imo they shouldn't have them at all at that age).

I wouldn't talk to a child with their dummy in as they would respond by talking arounf their dummy.**

^This

My little girl is 2y 11m and has hers only for bed,she leaves it in bed too - it drops out when she’s nodded off so it’s hust soothing her off to sleep. However I’m sure she’d have it if we didn’t discourage it.

The dentist told us to try and get rid of it by 3 but he was happy it was only used at night and first made sure she wasn’t chatting with it in or drinking orange squash etc so similar although not same advice.

I got the mam ones - think they’re called perfect? - the bit that goes between the teeth is very thin. I head to get those when our first attempt at getting rid of the dummy really upset her and she was crying herself to sleep! The dentist was happy it wasn’t harming her teeth and I was happy she wasn’t using it during the day so decided it was going more harm than good to try and get rid of it when we did. Will reattempt this Xmas!!

I have no problem with dummies at all but I would be daft to think that my dd2 behaves the same way with it out as she does in. She is, obviously, much more vocal and experiments with her voice much more. She is just over a year and weirdly absolutely refused one until she was 6 months. We will start teaching that it is for bedtime only soon and encourage her to leave it under her pillow as soon as I think she can understand that. Right now it’s a case of distract until she has forgotten about it.

The problem is that when we are out and about she can be tired/cranky/bored and a dummy does help. For everyone who is judging me for giving her it there will be someone else judging just as hard that I have a loud cranky baby in public. Parents can’t win so I don’t even bother trying

@MynameisJune
I wasn't nasty about what I said- all I said was that I'm surprised she's so blasé about the fact that the majority of posters on this thread disagree with her.
Then she pointed out that she asked one dentist who said dummies are fine whereas a lot of studies argue that dummies shouldn't be used over the age of 1 ergo I asked OP whether she was actually looking into the research behind the pros and cons of dummies since she mentioned that she'd only spoken to one dentist.
Maybe she has done more research (I'm not saying she hasn't) and as I said in my post, it's her choice.
Not sure why you're singling my post out when all I said was that I was surprised that she didn't seem to want to reconsider the dummy when she's being criticised quite a lot. I wasn't rude or really giving my own opinion but I was only expressing that she didn't seem too bothered about the criticism.
I'll repeat again that I did say it was her decision but she should at least look into the dummy research and the links that others are posting.
Why does it matter to me? It doesn't particularly but as with you, me and everyone else on the thread, we all have opinions and OP posted in the AIBU section so naturally she'll get opinions on the matter.
I'm not telling her to take the dummy away and it doesn't matter to me because again, I'll repeat it again for you, I said it was her decision.

My uncle is a dental technician. He makes braces and false teeth etc. He reckons 8/10 of the braces he makes are for kids with oral deformities resulting from using a dummy. That’s why my mother never gave me one and I haven’t given one to my child.

Pay no attention to any of them, she is your child and you know what she needs. It is nobody else's business!

Children often still have sucking needs at 2 and beyond. Lots of children are still breastfeeding at that age. I would have thought people who look after children should know that.

I ended up with severe jaw and teeth abnormalities due to having a dummy as a child. 3 surgeries later, I wouldn't advocate giving a dummy to any child. They become reliant on them as a source of comfort and they really do hinder speech and teeth development. I hate them with a passion.

Pay no attention to any of them, she is your child and you know what she needs. It is nobody else's business!

I hate this attitude. I thought the 'your babez your rulez!' brigade was over at Nethuns? Pushing the child out of your floop doesnt make you an expert on every aspect of their upbringing.

Ignore.

For everyone saying there's teeth problems and speech problems you'll get others saying there aren't.

As a parent you can only ever do what you feel is best for you and your child at the time.

My DS had a dummy until he was 4. He never had it at nursery (2 days a week), there isn't any problems with his teeth and his speech has always been way ahead of his age. His dentist said as long as it was gone by the time he was 5 he'd be fine.

My brother is 47, my sister is 50, they still suck their fingers and thumbs in their sleep, my brother who had a dummy now 43 sleeps without anything and has lovely teeth.

I didn't have a dummy or my thumb but ended up needing braces and then a year after my teeth were fixed I knocked most of them out in a bike accident!

My point is, you can do what you think will be better in the long run but you have no idea how life turns out. If it's making life easier for you and your dd is happier then carry on, it isn't forever. We get too caught up in this crap.

Both my older DC gave up their dummies when they were 3. It was just one horrible night of cold turkey and that was it. Youngest DD is 7 months so she still has one and she'll probably have one until she's three as-well. There's no hurry, go at your own pace. The only issue would be their teeth. The dentist told me that at the age of 4-5 is when their baby teeth are set for when their adult teeth came through. Something like that anyway lol. My DC both had really bad open bites because of their dummies but overtime they just corrected themselves. My advice... just smile and wave

I'm a nursery worker and have said the likes of sure you don't need that but in a playful way because it is a comfort and at that age the are still small and do need reassurance. Outside of work though I never gave my child a dummy only because I had saw children reliant on it and didn't want the fight to get it off them when they got older. If it isn't affecting speech (which it can) then go ahead with your Christmas plans, like you said you don't want to do to much at once. If anything I'd slow down. Bed first, then potty, then dummy.

My son was in a big bed before two, only cuz he could climb out of a cot. Potty training took alot longer for him though so although he was quick to do one move the other took time. Don't rush her into anything just because someone makes a comment. You were right to defend her by your comment. Really like you said it's only yours and daddy's buisness.

The staff were probably trying to help.
A 2 year old is too old to have a dummy

There is no hard fast rule... Just phase it out naturally. U mind it when she goes to nursery and give it back in the car on the way home.... Just start skipping days occasionally with distraction techniques... Essentially it's no one's business but yours

@Queenbee93 I did say in my reply that we'd raised it with the dentist and with him being a health professional I trusted what he said. As I said I'd certainly raise it again. I find I can read and read things online but they can be very contradictory.

This post has definitely given me some food for thought on it as I do want to phase it out. I think the comfort has become a habit with her. For example, she was collected early from nursery a few weeks ago and was still eating tea so they gave her an apple to take home. Every time we've left since she's asked where her apple is. She seems to get into a habit quite quickly but hopefully it'll be easy to break. I like the comments on leaving it in bed, so I'll start with that!

@BossWitch I hope your day got better :)

Thanks for your support and critique, I've definitely taken on board! Wish me luck!

I’ve had people do this with my three year old about bottles. He’s being assessed for autism and won’t drink milk any other way, and is dairy intolerant so doesn’t get calcium from other sources.

People can stfu about other people’s kids and concentrate on their own.

The staff were probably trying to help. A 2 year old is too old to have a dummy

That’s for her mother to decide. Not you.

I think some parents want to keep their children babies for as long as possible so they don’t want to get rid of them for their sake, rather than what’s best for their children

We had this when my DD was 2. She is now 4 and still used her dummy at night, we wanted to crack potty training first, then we had a baby, then we moved house and she regressed with the potty training, so we have been talking to her about the dummy fairy and how she will come.and take her dummies and leave her a present, she seems quite excited about it. I am just waiting until payday so I can buy something to put in their place.

My 3 year old has a dummy at night, for naps and if she's doing something quiet like watching TV. Not for playing, nursery or any activity where socialising or talking is involved. It's a great comforter for quiet times but becomes a barrier at other times.

Also I think it looks awful when a child over 18 months is walking around with a dummy in. It looks like the parent wants to keep them quiet or avoid interaction. They also drool and get bad breath from sucking it, so I understand why your mother is saying it's unhygienic.

Our nursery had a no dummy rule once they moved to the 2-3 room, I think that's fair enough.

Why not start limiting the dummy to certain times of day, so she gets less reliant on it? Nobody is saying she should give it up completely, just restrict it.

@NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking it's bollocks about dummies fucking up teeth shape. Maybe if its covered in sugar or juice yeah.

They actually help jaw development and growth when they chew one meaning teeth have more space to come down. That's also one reason why blw is recommended over purees as chewing is best from an early age even before teeth for jaw development.

Thumb sucking however... is an issue.

My 13 month old has a dummy, only used at night and only when needed and it often falls out and she’s not fussed. When she stays with my mil however, she has it clipped to her and uses it throughout the day. That really pisses me off tbh because she doesn’t need it.

People do get ott around dummies, it’s only a dummy not baby crack.....that said I don’t think it’s at all necessary for an older child to walk around with one in the day, and I would definitely ask a child to remove it whilst talking.

Aargh!! I really dislike the snobbishness about dummies. For goodness sake, a 2 year old is just a baby. Why are people so desperate to make children grow up? It's nobody's business. She is unlikely to be still using a dummy at 18, and even if she is, it's not doing anyone any harm!! As long as her teeth are ok. I have 4 DCs, two refused dummies and never used them. My eldest had it till about 5, guess what he is perfectly fine now at 10, with perfect teeth, speech, high achieving etc. My "baby" is 3 and I am in no rush to take away her beloved dummies. They soothe her when she's upset, so i am happy for her to carry on! When i see parents taking dummies off little kids who are crying for them, I just think "why?" Who does that serve? Let kids be kids, they grow up fast enough. In my own family, i have had relatives taking dummies away from very little babies, 6 months, causing no end of upset, only to go back to them months later. Why cause all the grief over something that really really does not matter.

I don't know about the teeth thing, in my case it was my child that had a dummy that needed a brace as her front teeth were too far forward. My other child never had a dummy and his teeth were perfect.

Could be just one of those things though.