Dummy shaming

[Emsmomma]

First post here but really looking for some advice.

I feel like I’m really being dummy shamed at the moment with my 2 and a half year old. She isn’t reliant on the dummy and I actually don’t mind her having it but I’m noticing it more and more and it’s making me feel like I should be embarrassed about letting her have one. My mum is terrible for taking her dummy off her and actually refuses to speak to her if she has her dummy in. Little one was quite poorly once and she still took her dummy off her and said ‘you don’t need that dirty thing’. Que little one being quite upset as naturally she was unwell and looking for some comfort.

The last two days though, two separate workers at her nursery have made a comment. To put into context she sometimes has it on a morning when heading to nursery but puts it straight in her bag when we get there. She doesn’t have a sleep during the day anymore so doesn’t have it at all during the day but when I go to collect her she’ll get her dummy out of her bag. Generally has it in the car on the 5 minute journey home and then not again until bedtime. Yesterday morning one of the younger nursery workers opened the door and said ‘oh why’ve you got a dummy in, you’re a big girl and don’t need that’ and then another older worker this evening pretty much said the same thing ‘you don’t have a dummy at nursery, big girls don’t need them’ I just retorted with ‘she does have one and it’s ok for her to have one’ I think she knew she’d upset me.

I know the feeling on it is probably stemming from my mum but I just don’t understand how it’s become ok to dummy shame? When she gets rid of her dummy is mine, hers and daddies decision.

We’re thinking of trying to get rid at Christmas, as at the moment we’ve just put her in a big girls bed, trying to potty train too so I don’t want everything at once for her.

Sorry for the long post/rant but feel like I’m going crazy!

my DS1 had a dummy till about 3 - I wished he didn't and often felt judged for it but he relied on it a lot so although we managed to reduce it over time (car, bedtime) it was definitely still there a lot longer than I would ever have anticipated. I then didn't give with DD or DS2 the opportunity to get hooked as I felt overall the difficulty of withdrawing it was too much. But it was helpful with DS1 when I didn't know what else to do with him and it isn't really anyone else's business. So I would ignore everyone who isn;t your DC's parent because they don't see what you face 24/7

We got rid of my DDs when she was about 2 as her teeth had started to get misshapen. A few months afterwards her teeth went to how they should be and you could massively see the difference. The dentist was chuffed. Her speech is also delayed and I wonder if the dummy didn't help that too... I would normally say do what you think is right but actually I think it's probably not great for her

I don't see the need for a toddler to have a dummy and there will be others who feel the same and express it.

It seems babylike and I think it is often about parents wanting to keep their children as babies for fear of them growing up. That's my impression grom friends who have done this.

Same as these comforters that kids drag around full of filth. Not necessary.

If your DD has it in nursery...other kids who have stopped using it may want it and regress.

As for a dummy at 6 ...my word. Why? A child in year 2 with a dummy. I think that's simply ridiculous. Of course the child is happy..healthy and bright now. What else would you say.

Honestly all the dummy hate is so disproportionate, it’s a dummy. A form of comfort, I can guarantee they won’t have them at 15.

I wouldn't be so sure!

None of mine had dummies I just don’t get the point in them apart from in situations like scbu for newborns etc I wouldn’t talk to a toddler with one in their mouth as it’s hard enough to understand toddlers as it is without a dummy in the way. If my child needed comfort I comforted them, none of them suck their thumbs or carry around blankets covered in god knows what. Surely it’s annoying for the parents when they wake up because the dummy has fallen out or they loose it and only like a certain type which has now been discontinued or something. The only person I know who used them had twins and openly admitted it was to make her life easier because she had two and then had a nightmare removing them plus manky blanket teddy’s.

Hmm it’s tricky I am not against dummies, my eldest son had one. However I will admit I chucked them all in the bin when he was 18 months old and he went cold turkey on them because I am not a massive fan of dummies for children older than 2 when they are talking more and more. Exception being children with disabilities of course.

I also think your mum has the right idea sorry. I would always encourage a child to talk to me without a dummy and my mum would do the same.

However I can completely see why the comments would get to you. It is your choice.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/27692622/

This is a good review article in a dental journal which is a summary of the relevant studies.

Essentially, both dummies and thumb sucking cause dental malocclusions but dummies are worse.

My little boy was 3 when we managed to encourage giving it up. He speaks really well, his teeth are lovely and most of all, he’s a happy boy. His pre-school teacher told me that as people judge, we feel the need to fit our child into the mould of what’s “right” but sometimes that’s just not right for your child. We only allowed him to have it at bedtime and as soon as he was asleep it fell out anyway, so 20 mins of dummy a day wasn’t going to have any big impact on speech or teeth

Totally bewildered.
Who gives their child a dummy? I mean, ever?

"The staff were probably trying to help.
A 2 year old is too old to have a dummy "

She's not "a 2 year old". She's unique with needs and nuances only a loving mother would know. Thankfully she's got one who told the nursery where to go. Well done mom!

Don't focus on the dummy, work out alternative ways for her to self-soothe. It will take time and if she was born premature, even longer. You're doing a great job OP

My dummy and thumb sucking cost me 5k in braces and a jaw operation as I stopped the jaw from growing forward whilst sucking my thumb and it left me with a tmj plus migraine and pressure issues and half of my face is numb from the surgery so yeah.. You do what you want to do but be wary of potential outcomes

2 out of 3 of my kids had dummies. By 6 months of age they were only allowed for being in their bed and occasionally if they were very poorly.

There is zero need for an older child to have a dummy at anything outside of bedtime and even then once they're 2 the dummy should go.

No way would I talk to a toddler with a dummy in their mouth, and unfortunately I associate the need for an older child to have a dummy outside of bed as lazy parenting. Rather use a bit of babyish plastic to keep your kid happy and quiet instead of actually engaging them. Just my opinion but yes, I would judge you.

Yanbu to respond to the nursery how you see fit but yabu at letting your dd pop the thing back in her gob the second she's back with you. If she can manage all day at nursery she can manage all day.

Perhaps if 3 different people with more experience of children than you is suggesting she shouldn't have it maybe you should get off your offended high horse and actually listen to them.

I purposely got rid of the funny around 1, as the older they get the harder it is to remove.

Even at 1 it isn't easy.

But to those saying I don't get why you'd ever give a baby a dummy in the first place? Some babies aren't that easy and frankly they were a godsend when we were struggling with crying none sleeping baby

OP I feel you I genuinely get very angry at people who judge on this

It's such an endemic form of parent judging that people feel is ok trotting out teeth and speech issues without considering the reasons behind it

Ultimately it's people being near sighted and arrogant to assume they know the reason why

My ds1 has SEN and part of this is a need to chew (to the point on his school care plan they requested to give him a toy for this without any suggestion by me) he still has one at night and when he's tired or struggling and he therefore struggles to control his sensory needs ....he is 5.5 and by God if anyone catches sight of him with it the looks I get are horrendous

My ds2 was nicu...we are incredibly fortunate he survived and I will never forget sitting by the incubator begging him to take the new born medical dummy (was a specific shape) to help sucking

He struggles to give it up especially as he sees his brother at night

Both my DC look Neuro typical (and one is) and it's not like other people know any of this

Even my judgey Dm and Exmil are supportive as they know the reasons why

But I know the level of disgust I have for vile interfering people who utter stupid phrases like "oh you don't need that silly thing" , " ooh aren't you too old?"

Why? Because your moronic add thinks your opinion has a single ounce of validity without knowing my children?
See if it helped my ds2 to survive and my ds1 to have a single moment of piece from the constant sensory need that must be like a sodding hair shirt on his back then I will happily let them and do a smile and a dance about it

However I have had to become bullish about my responses to people who comment and try to shame my DC about it because so many people really believe they have a right to comment

As it happens we are finally finally at the stage where we have back up processes to offset the dummies and are starting to get rid but by God never have I seen the most horrible judgemental sides of people than over this issue and breastfeeding

I know a 4 1/2 year old who still has a dummy. No sn etc. Don't judge but
She is quite hard to understand- I can understand more of what my 2 year old says

My youngest DS has a dummy till he was 3, and the dentist told me it was pushing his teeth out of alignment.

I was dreading removing it, but we used the "Dummy Fairy" method. It worked a treat!

The Dummy Fairy collects all the big kids' dummies (that they no longer need because they're all grown up) and gives them to the babies. You leave your dummies out overnight and in the morning, they're gone and the Dummy Fairy has left a special present in return.

You can start mentioning it now and ramp up the intrigue, then let DD decide when she's ready. It worked straight away with my DS and he'd been a total dummy-addict.

I hate dummies and think they should be banned so yes I would judge. They're not needed. None of us had one, my son never had one and no future child ever will. They're ugly and awful. Why do children a piece of plastic shoved in their mouth?

Excellently balanced and informed post there happymummy

So very glad you feel they are not needed ...please do pop to your local nicu and SEN providers and give them your intelligently thought out and rational reasons for this won't you?

DD didn’t have a dummy until 6 weeks when our lactation consultant advised we introduce one in order that she wouldn’t suckle me but would sleep and give me time to express. She’s just self weaned at 18 months. I did feel judged more than once if she had it in when napping. DNiece had one until she was 4, by then it lived purely in the car for journeys. Everyone can judge anything and everything nowadays but if people just took their judgey pants off, everyone would be a damn sight happier.

I wouldn’t speak to a child with a dummy in either (except for SEN, but that is completely different).
If she doesn’t need it at nursery, maybe you should really limit it to bedtime and when sick? Dummies when dragged around by a walking and solids eating child are quite vile, so definitely not in her best interest health wise.

Ad On: bacterial cultures grown from older children’s dummies are .... interesting. They might look clean, but they are about as clean as a shoe sole

Your mum is being a twat but the nursery workers are doing their jobs, every bit of training we do around speech development tells us that dummies affect the development of the mouth and therefore affect speech, it’s our job to encourage good speech development therefore our job to challenge dummy use with parents, it’s hard to hear but it’s something we have to do.

Nice to see the vipers are out. Women supporting women eh. IT'S A BLOODY DUMMY!

Wouldn't speak to a 2 year old with a dummy? Oh how superior you are.

They can take the dummy out while they are speaking. Mine are not allowed to speak with their mouth full. Dummy, food, no difference. at 2 and a half, they can understand this and it is much better for speech development

I tell my 2.5 year old to take his dummy out when he is speaking as I can't understand him at all.