Please knock some sense into me re: desperation for a girl.

[Iamvile]

I must preface this by saying that I am deeply upset by these feeling ms and I don’t want to feel this way.

I am finally pregnant after 4 years of solid fertility treatment and our third attempt at ivf worked and I’m now currently 9 weeks pregnant.

I feel beyond fortunate. Infertility left me feeling suicidal and I have never felt stress or pain like I did during that time. It felt like relentless suffering. It messed with my head and I didn’t like the person I became: jealous, reclusive and nervous. Totally the opposite of my personality normally.

Throughout the experience I always held on to the fantasy of finally getting my baby and I’m afraid to say it was always a girl. I’ve done all sorts of mad things, named her and bought girls clothes, you name it.

I just can’t imagine this baby being anything else. I had a scan at 6 weeks (Transvaginal and I can’t find a straight answer as to whether the image is a mirror image or true to life) and I’ve been investigating the Ramzi Theory. Sent it off to a so called expert and they came back with boy.

I am so relieved and happy to be pregnant so why do I feel so disappointed that the scan picture points towards this much longed for baby being a boy?

For what it’s worth I’m not a particularly girly girl, I work in engineering (not that I’m by any means the only female engineer in the world). I do have the most incredible bond with my own mum so I’m sure it’s because of that.

How can I stop these feelings? I feel like I would pay anything if someone could guarantee me a girl.

Hopefully as time passes in your pregnancy and you feel your baby grow and move inside you those feelings will pass. It does sound a bit obsessive though rather than just hoping for one sex over the other, maybe you need to talk about it with a counselor?

Well unfortunately you can't - what will actually happen of course is that you will love your baby unconditionally whether boy or girl, once they are there in the flesh.

When they are a faceless anonymous bump it can be very hard to feel any real connection. Would you consider NOT finding out the sex until the birth?

FWIW I was desperate for a girl first time round, utterly convinced I was having a girl. Had a boy. Disappointment lasted a couple of days. Thereafter I couldn't imagine ever having had any other baby but him.

you need to stop thinking about whether the baby is a boy or girl and start thinking of it just as your child, if that makes sense.

boys are amazing you know and you can have just as tight a bond with a little boy as with a girl.
i have 2 sons and they are just fabulous- they are such good company and we have such a good relationship.

I was desperate for a girl, I don't even know why now. My 2 year old is a boy and I wouldn't swap him for the world. If I get pregnant again I don't mind at all but would possibly even prefer another boy.
You just love them to pieces, gender really doesn't matter.

I couldn't have children and it was pre ivf days so no possibility. If i was in your shoes now I wouldn't care if it was a boy, girl or orange with purple stripes. I would be ecstatic and grateful for whatever I got. Sorry I don't have a magic wand to wave to help you change how you feel. Good luck.

Thank you.

Thing is, when we talk about the baby, I refer to it as a boy and no one would have any idea about this. I know that if I found out for sure That it was a boy I would love it just the same but I can’t help but feel like having a girl is the ultimate ‘lottery’ win at the moment. Obviously I’m taking advantage of an anonymous platform, only my mum knows how much I want a girl.

Thank you everyone. Really appreciate the kindness.

Silverysurfer - I’m so sorry. The last thing I’d ever want to do is cause upset to people like yourself. Thank you for your comments.

I had four years of IVF too and wanted a girl. The tests then came back with high chance of abnormalities such as Edwards Syndrome so I had a NIFTY test to be sure. I found out I was having a perfectly healthy baby boy at 13 weeks and couldn’t be happier. Sometimes it takes things to put it in perspective.

Nobody can tell the sex from
A six week scan!

No 'expert' can tell from a 6week scan what sex the baby is.
This is probably some residual anxiety from such a long and stressful journey ttc.
I suggest you ask to be referred for perinatal counselling to discuss your feelings.

I always imagined I would have a wee boy. We intentionally didn't find out in scans but in the back of my head I assumed it would be a wee boy

She was a girl. I was just delighted that she was here and healthy. I would never want anything else.

You are going to have a baby after a long time of thinking it wouldn't happen. Allow yourself to be happy.

What is Ramzi Theory? Is it reliable?

You’ve tried so hard for this baby - be happy and don’t think about boy/girl. If you want to find out for sure then find out when the sonographer can see but keep in mind it’s not 100% accurate. I don’t know how accurate harmony test is?

I'm 17 weeks pregnant, having taken over 2 years and 1 miscarriage to get to this point. So I know a little of what you may be feeling. We would also love a girl but I am calling him 'he' because I worry I'll be disappointed when we find out the sex.

From what I've read, there's no scientific proof the theory works so I guess all I can say is, try not to worry about how you might feel when you find out and just enjoy being pregnant! Easier said than done, I know.

Congratulations, by the way!

Thank you so much everyone.

Apparently the Ramzi method is 97% accurate or thereabouts!

You desperately need to stop giving yourself such a hard time! You've been through the wringer in trying to get pregnant. So what that you've been fixated on having a girl? I promise you that you will madly in love with your baby, boy or girl!

Please don’t worry too much about this.

Two seconds after your baby is born you are going to think that your baby is the best, most beautiful most delightful child ever to have been born.

I have one of each. They are both as fantastic as each other. I’m every bit as close to my son as to my daughter.

I think when we imagine our potential children we imagine or remember our own childhood. Also, on some deep egotistical level we want to reproduce ourselves. These are not 'nice' or comfortable feelings. We all have these feelings and expectations.

And they we meet and fall in love with our baby who is a little person in their own right.

I think this may be partly because of the struggle you had to get pregnant. One of the things about infertility is that when you do finally become pregnant you can sometimes put a lot of pressure on yourself to have the "perfect" pregnancy, birth and baby - because you've waited and longed for this for so long and thought about it so much. You've been picturing this baby for years now and got into a pattern of wishing it to be a girl. The realities of a baby are so different from your imaginings that I don't think this will be an issue once the baby is born! Good luck OP.

I have both, I adore both but can I just say, 12 year old hormonal girls. Of that doesn’t put you off having a girl nothing will.

Once your baby is here you honestly won't care less!
Just think of it this way... imagine yourself with failing fertility treatment, year after year, what u you prefer then...? Baby boy or no baby...?
Congratulations by the way! :)

I think it's too early to get a conclusive answer on the gender of your baby. I know one couple who were told at their 20 week scan that they were having a girl... it was a boy! So there are no guarantees even at 20 weeks.

I always thought I wanted a girl, and couldn't imagine having a boy. It was so alien to me... I had sisters not brothers and always felt I would have more affinity with a girl.

I have a boy... and he's perfect. I actually now couldn't imagine having a girl.

I chose not to find out the gender during my pregnancy, not because I don't believe in it, but because I wanted that moment of finding out after labour.

I hope you start to feel better about this. It's bloody hard going through infertility and then pregnancy isn't exactly a walk in the park... then parenthood has its ups and downs too. But the rewards are so worth it.

I promise that whatever your baby is, you'll love them and care for them. And once they're here, you'll be unable to picture the child you've been imagining all this time and will only "see" your baby.

I'm sorry you've had such a tough time conceiving.

Seems to me you've spent years with this fantasy of a baby girl in your head, the years of fertility issues have just strengthened this and built it up more and more. However that is what it is, fantasy.

Your pregnancy is now reality so maybe you could look at trying to separate the two so that you can enjoy your pregnancy and be excited about having a baby boy. After all, the reality is better than the fantasy isn't it?

@Iamvile completely understand how you feel. Gender disappointment is a reality and causes much guilt. We had a little bit last year and on the day if the 20 week scan both my DH and I were so bitterly disappointed and wanted a girl. Web of cause fell totally in love with our little man, but I'm 13 weeks pregnant again and am feeling the same again maybe even more as I know it'll be our last chance. Good luck xx

Thank you, obviously this all makes total sense.

I was terribly angry when other people effortlessly got pregnant and used to actually feel better and as though I’d ‘won’ if they ended up having a boy! Truly insane. I don’t feel like that now (weirdly all the jealousy and nastiness towards parents has gone completely) but still.