Please knock some sense into me re: desperation for a girl.

[Iamvile]

I must preface this by saying that I am deeply upset by these feeling ms and I don’t want to feel this way.

I am finally pregnant after 4 years of solid fertility treatment and our third attempt at ivf worked and I’m now currently 9 weeks pregnant.

I feel beyond fortunate. Infertility left me feeling suicidal and I have never felt stress or pain like I did during that time. It felt like relentless suffering. It messed with my head and I didn’t like the person I became: jealous, reclusive and nervous. Totally the opposite of my personality normally.

Throughout the experience I always held on to the fantasy of finally getting my baby and I’m afraid to say it was always a girl. I’ve done all sorts of mad things, named her and bought girls clothes, you name it.

I just can’t imagine this baby being anything else. I had a scan at 6 weeks (Transvaginal and I can’t find a straight answer as to whether the image is a mirror image or true to life) and I’ve been investigating the Ramzi Theory. Sent it off to a so called expert and they came back with boy.

I am so relieved and happy to be pregnant so why do I feel so disappointed that the scan picture points towards this much longed for baby being a boy?

For what it’s worth I’m not a particularly girly girl, I work in engineering (not that I’m by any means the only female engineer in the world). I do have the most incredible bond with my own mum so I’m sure it’s because of that.

How can I stop these feelings? I feel like I would pay anything if someone could guarantee me a girl.

Apparently the Ramzi method is 97% accurate or thereabouts

Unlikely. Many people think it's a load of tosh.

There is virtually no independent scientific analysis of the so-called 'Ramzi Theory,' I believe.

But anyway, you will love your baby more than life itself, don't worry . Congratulations!

I can relate to those feelings. I had IVF after fertility issues lasting many years. Got pg and could only imagine having a girl, thoughts of names, outfits etc. Gender scan showed boy. I was so disappointed and found it hard to get into perspective even with the struggles to get there in the first place. But... the moment that little bundle was handed to me, honestly all thoughts of girls were gone. I absolutely adore him and now can't even remember why I wanted a girl so much. In fact we will undergo more treatment soon and I really want another boy (you'd think I would've learnt the first time right!!) Anyway in short, this was my experience and I don't think anyone could have said anything to knock sense into me at the time. But it all turned out brilliantly... Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy!

while I didn't have ivf I did want to have a girl so I decided & planned in my head that I was going to have a boy (illogically logic) so I wouldn't be disappointed - having ivf means loads of hormones are being shot through your system on top of the normal haywire of pregnancy hormones - be kind to yourself - you will love your baby no matter what it is - the moment you hold it in your arms your world changes :)

I desperately wanted a girl. With blonde hair and blue eyes just like mine. And I’d buy her cute little dresses and style her hair, and when she grew up we’d go shopping and have spa days together. She’d borrow my clothes and inherit my favourite bits of jewellery and be my best friend.

I got a boy. Cried for a few days because I genuinely felt bereaved of my longed for little girl. I didn’t want a boisterous, loud, dirty boy. Everyone told me boys were easier to raise and would have less issues with catty behaviour from friends, less worry about personal safety, less hassle with clothes and hairstyles, etc. It took me a while to come to terms with it. I still sigh over beautiful little dresses in shops. But I adore my son and wouldn’t swap him for the world. Perhaps it’s for the best as I might have projected too much of myself onto a girl.

@Iamvile

YANBU to desire a girl. Many people (in the western world) do. Particularly women.

You are NOT vile.

I don't think this thread will go well though. Some people who have just boys will be offended. Funny, because I don't ever see people who have just girls get offended, if someone expresses a preference for boys...

The baby in your head (the girl) is an imaginary one - with the attributes you most want (so the tight bond with you etc.). This baby will vanish in the days after the birth.

The real baby is always a surprise - with attributes of his/her own.

Whether yours is a girl or a boy this will not be the baby you are imagining at the moment... but will be wonderful and perfect and beautiful beyond all your dreams. Try not to worry.

(The bond you have with your mother is because you are you - not because you are a girl.)

Becoming a mother is fraught with feelings - which, however hard it is, you have to frequently put to one side to be a decent mother (for your sanity if nothing else) - and I promise you this isn't the last time you will have to reconcile your desires with a conflicting reality. You've been through IVF - you have experience of this more than most.

These conflicts don't stop once your baby is born - even if your baby was or is a girl there will be a multitude of things which don't go as you hoped, from the birth to breastfeeding to relatives to nursery to school to friendships to activities and interests to habits and behaviour and your marriage and work and sleep and...

Like I say, for your own sanity you have to roll with these things, pick you battles. You're going to be a mother. It's really mentally hard at times. Just do your best. Acknowledge the things you don't like, change what you can and accept what you can't change (oh cripes I think that's the AA mantra - oh well)...

My sister put it rather more succinctly you're going to have to toughen up

And honestly - I have two boys and I might have liked a daughter but I wouldn't swap or barter with the deities for another girl. When people have said "you can borrow my daughter if you need a girly fix" I've cringed and thought "no thanks". I bloody love them because they're my children. You will love your children.

There are a lot of hormones involved in pregnancy, even more so after infertility treatment and so how you feel now, whilst absolutely valid isn't necessarily the way you'll feel longer term. You've been through a lot so take care - and many many congratulations on your pregnancy.

I went to a girls school where everyone was quite open. At least two thirds if my cohort was suffer from an eating disorder/in an abusive relationship/had been assaulted or drugged and assaulted or had had an abortion. These were all very privileged girls. They were just weak and lived in a world that had little respect for them. Trust me, you don't want a girl.

I so wanted a girl and only a girl (dreadful I know) but knowing my luck I was convinced I would have a boy. I called my bump by my favourite boy’s name from the outset. Towards the end someone said to me that by how I was carrying all at the front they thought it would be a girl, and I was really happy for a minute, but then thought, oh hang on I think I really want my [boy’s name] now! It was a boy and he is lovely, I wouldn’t be without him, even though his middle name is Trouble !

Before having children I was always desperate for a daughter. Now I have DS1 and am pregnant with number 2 and I am hoping it's a boy! DS1 is so amazing, now I can't imagine having a girl – boys are so great!

I desperately wanted a girl but for no particular reason - we didn't find out sex until birth as I didn't want to be disappointed.... but I can honestly say that my dd had been born for about 5 minutes before the midwife even mentioned the sex of the baby and I hadn't even thought about it until that point so I know categorically that I would not have cared either way and I'm sure you'll be the same!
My dd who I envisioned doing hair, make up and princess stuff with is more of a tom-boy so it doesn't always follow they'll be like you imagined anyway! I still adore her though!

That’s quite a lot of trauma racecar,can’t agree with Trust me, you don't want a girl
I grew up in a poor rough area and we had no such dramas at school
Socioeconomically deprived catchment area but no 2/3 of us weren’t traumatised

You can't help how you feel, Op.

Hopefully all will go well & by the time you have gone through labour you won't care what it is!

I wanted a boy with my first.

When I went into labour pre 30 weeks, I just wanted them to survive.

Agree with pp that this is a hangover from the horror that is infertility. I emphasise having been through it myself. I had the harmony test when I finally conceived not to find out the sex specifically but to make sure there were no issues. I had deep anxiety about losing the baby and had a ridiculous number of scans. It was all down to the difficult journey to get there.

It will pass but if you feel very anxious about it perhaps have a chat with your midwife.

Congratulations!

As others have said, please be kind of yourself after the tough ride you have had to get where you are. At your stage I think the whole baby thing can feel quite abstract, but I think that regardless of infertility, we can often have a fantasy about what our children will be like, obviously including what sex(s) they will be for many years. Before I had my first DS, I had a miscarriage and whilst I was fortunate enough to go on to have two DS's, I nevertheless did have a period of feeling bitter after the miscarriage (tbh it came on top of a lot of other bad stuff). I always imagined having a daughter probably because I am a girly girl and in my head a girl would have come on shopping trips with me and then spa days when older, nonsense I knew. However when I had DS1 I was immediately over the moon and if I'm being honest had a slight preference for another boy second time round. I now believe that I was not supposed to have girls, my relationship with my Mum (she is no longer here) wasn't always easy, also as a person I am quite neurotic and I knew if I'd had a girl I would have worried a lot about her, particularly in relation to areas of life where I believe I have failed. With the boys I am pretty chilled about their futures, although I'm not going to lie, I find being a Mum hard and occasionally feel a bit alone in a house full of males. One (of many) wonderful things about boys is how affectionate they are. Be easy on yourself and take one day at a time, and remember that hormones have a lot to answer for. Also true about boys/men having an easier life IMO.

Melon that is very unkind and not what was meant.

Op I also wanted to say huge congratulations. You’ve been through so much to get to this xx

Pregnancy is a mind blowing and intense time for anyone, let alone after such a long journey to get this far. We’re not robots we’re human, be kind to yourself. Pace yourself on this, being a parent involves a lot of introspection and wondering how you feel, and wondering are you doing it right. (Well it has for me). Whatever I thought it would be from the outset, I’ve had to reconsider many many times over the years.

You will love whatever you have. Sometimes you just need to see the face, the baby in person, before it all feels like a reality and not an abstract idea. Take care.

How can I stop these feelings?

Time.

You’ve had your imaginary family in your head for a long time and you need to wave goodbye to that imaginary family in favour of the real one that are in front of you. It might be a boy, it might be a girl... it will be yours regardless.

I completely understand - ivf, super hard process, you finally got there, might be your only chance so you want it to be right. I was the same, so desperate for a girl, but of course it was a boy. I love him to bits. I still occasionally think what a girl might have been like and how different parenting might have been. He’s definitely read the ‘how to fulfil every boy stereotype’ book - and as always there’s lovely things and annoying things in equal measure. But no, I wouldn’t swap him for the world!

I think this is completely normal. I was also desperate for a girl, and this was after an easily pregnancy loss, where I felt I should have felt nothing but joy at being pregnant and only care that the baby was healthy, and I felt SO guilty. It’s just the picture I’d had in my head for many many years, not because I wanted to do anything especially girly at all, I don’t even really know why. I had a bleed at around 28 weeks and suddenly felt this awful feeling that if I lost the baby, and he turned out to be a boy, I’d somehow been awful and disloyal to him for feeling this way, and actually all I wanted then for him/ her to be ok. (All was fine). Just go easy on yourself and don’t beat yourself up about the feeling, you can’t help how you feel, and I think it’s very normal. Xxx

melon that's an awful thing to say. Reported.

Maybe get the harmony test in a few weeks. That way you'll know for sure early on and by the time baby makes an appearance you'll have had time to work through it all. I wouldn't base anything on the Ramzi method.