Please knock some sense into me re: desperation for a girl.

[Iamvile]

I must preface this by saying that I am deeply upset by these feeling ms and I don’t want to feel this way.

I am finally pregnant after 4 years of solid fertility treatment and our third attempt at ivf worked and I’m now currently 9 weeks pregnant.

I feel beyond fortunate. Infertility left me feeling suicidal and I have never felt stress or pain like I did during that time. It felt like relentless suffering. It messed with my head and I didn’t like the person I became: jealous, reclusive and nervous. Totally the opposite of my personality normally.

Throughout the experience I always held on to the fantasy of finally getting my baby and I’m afraid to say it was always a girl. I’ve done all sorts of mad things, named her and bought girls clothes, you name it.

I just can’t imagine this baby being anything else. I had a scan at 6 weeks (Transvaginal and I can’t find a straight answer as to whether the image is a mirror image or true to life) and I’ve been investigating the Ramzi Theory. Sent it off to a so called expert and they came back with boy.

I am so relieved and happy to be pregnant so why do I feel so disappointed that the scan picture points towards this much longed for baby being a boy?

For what it’s worth I’m not a particularly girly girl, I work in engineering (not that I’m by any means the only female engineer in the world). I do have the most incredible bond with my own mum so I’m sure it’s because of that.

How can I stop these feelings? I feel like I would pay anything if someone could guarantee me a girl.

‘Early loss’ that should have been

Before I got pregnant, I always thought I would want just girls, no boys. Then I got pregnant, and I “knew” from the minute I POAS that the baby was a boy. I just knew. And it didn’t matter because THAT was the baby I wanted, no other baby. I was right, he was a boy.

Can’t you just focus on the baby you’re carrying, this is the much longed for baby that you want. Does the sex matter? THIS is the baby you’re having.

I had IVF.

High risk so I had my first scan at 5 weeks, then weekly scans. All were wrong about sex until 20 weeks. Even the 17 week one.

OP good luck with the rest of your pregnancy. It's OK to mourn the loss of a much-cherished dream. When you finally hold your baby in your arms you will love them, boy or girl. And you will find that not all boys or girls are the same personality wise - I have a great bond with my son and he loves doing things with me like art, music, baking (even though he is a boy!)

Ignore melon.

Even if you get a girl, chances are you won’t get the ideal girl that you want.
Each baby is a human being with their own personality. I have one of each who in many respects are not their typical gender.
My girl is a sports enthusiast, fashion challenged, short-haired girl. She likes pink though and painting her nails, so at least I have that.
I have an acquaintance who got her girl after two boys and several miscarriages. Her toddler daughter is actively discouraged to play with certain toys, play in sand and her mother jokingly says she is prone to weight gain because she is a girl.
Don’t burden your baby with your expectations based on gender, regardless if it’s a boy or a girl.

Congratulations and as the previous poster said, these feelings are OK. Try not to let them spoil your pregnancy. And - boys are awesome, they honestly are.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! The Ramzi method is a big pile of bollocks, nobody can tell the sex of a baby from a 6 week scan picture. You are relieved and happy to be pregnant, I'd try and focus on that rather than worrying about the sex of the baby. I'm 100% sure you will love and feel bonded with your baby whichever flavour you get.

I've had a miscarriage after fertility treatment and honestly couldn't give a monkey's about the sex if I'm every lucky enough to get pregnant again. You feel like you would pay anything for a girl, I would pay anything for a live, healthy baby.

You sound really thoughtful and insightful, I really hope you work through your feelings and manage to enjoy the pregnancy that you've been through so much to achieve.

Apparently the Ramzi method is 97% accurate or thereabouts

Never heard of it, but I'd be surprised. Went for a private scan at 22 weeks to find out the sex of DD2 and even then they said they could only be 95% certain. "It could be a boy with a very small penis", said the sonographer. I'll never forget the withering look my DH gave her as he announced "It's DEFINITELY a girl". . (She was!)

As others have said, try not to dwell on it. You will fall in love with your own baby! Congratulations.

I can't add anything in the way of advice but as someone who has had multiple miscarriages and IVF attempts and still not pregnant...I can completely relate to wanting either a boy or girl. In the short times I was pregnant I worried about having the 'wrong' one and found certain friends' pregnancy announcements easier than others depending on what they were having.

Completely irrational! But that's how our minds sometimes work. Plus infertility gives you a much longer window of introspection and wondering.

All I can say is that one of my best friends wanted one particular sex and found out she was having the opposite. She was ashamed to admit she was disappointed but as soon as the baby was born she felt the strongest feeling of how right things were and she could not imagine things being different.

eventhoughyoudidcheat I kind of feel like you! I’m pregnant with number 2 (number 1 is a boy) and can’t decide if my preference is boy or girl! I would love a daughter, there’s no question, but I think a brother would be better for ds (I’m from a two sister family so probably explains that logic).

You haven't upset me OP - I'm very happy for you, the same as when my family and friends had children, I never felt anything other than joy and loved being a part of their lives.

I reckon these feelings will disappear the first time you set eyes on your baby - boy or girl.

Wishing you a safe and happy pregnancy (try not to worry too much about having one that is orange with purple stripes)

I cried at my scan when they told me baby was a boy. Not happy tears either. But I soon got used to it, you will too.

I’m not sure knowing would having helped, as I say, I found out at birth. By then he was a real live, tangible, cuddable, totally adorable baby, he was all mine, so I got over the feelings very quickly.
I had a very scary pregnancy (placenta praevia) so I’m glad I didn’t have to get over the feelings about him not being a girl in pregnancy.

I was desperate for a girl and I had a girl. I bought little dresses, she threw up on them and they would get all scrunched up when she wiggled. She didn’t have any hair till she was two so always looked odd in dresses etc anyway. Then when she was about 2.5 she decided she had her own sense of ‘style’ and that was it. When I had ds I was well and truly over dresses anyway. My point is the things I thought I would enjoy about having a girl were a bit rubbish but the things I didn’t know about having a baby were fantastic.

Congratulations op!

If you are getting upset by these feelings and you have gone to the extremes of paying for tests, buying clothes etc, it might be an idea to discuss these concerns with your midwife or GP so you can get referred for counselling. Referrals take a long time in my area, but hopefully you can be seen before baby is born.

Good luck op

Before having my son I never really thought baby boys were as cute as baby girls. Then he came along and I realised just how wrong I was! He stole my heart and I am utterly smitten by him. I'm sure you'll feel the same no matter what the sex. Best wishes for a healthy pregnancy.

The heart wants what the heart wants. It’s okay to be disappointed about one thing and happy about another at the same time.

Word of caution though, like you I experienced infertility for many years and it was a long hard road getting my baby but it was also really hard after. My dp was very much of the mindset ‘you’ve got what you wanted you should be overjoyed’ and wouldn’t accept me finding things tough. And I did find it (and still do) really hard going.

Remember that you are under no obligation to be rainbows and sunshine 24/7 because you’re in a position you wanted to be in. From this point onwards - for want of a better phrase - you are completely normal and the same as everyone else. Don’t put pressure on yourself to constantly be grateful, it’s not necessary and you’re allowed to struggle

On a happier note, boys are indeed awesome!

@Iamvile for what it's worth I was desperate for a girl, I got pregnant very young with my first and desperately wanted a 'living doll' all in pink and with hair bows and all that other girly crap, I'm now the proud owner of two of both, however there was a 9 year age gap between my eldest and next born, of I'd have had a girl first and she had got to 9 I would NEVER have had anymore!!!! 😂 Jeeze louise the attitude/hormones/emotional wrecks!!my son is 19, he's my best friend, we have an amazing relationship, the bond is evident for everyone to see, my, now ten year old, daughter, even though we are close and have a bond, she's completely a daddies girl, she doesn't bother with me unless it's for hair doing purposes and even then screams the house down, think smallish long haired velociraptor, I love all my kids immensely, with all my heart, but there's some kind of invisible thing you have with your son, as a mum.
You will be an amazing mum regardless of the gender of your baby, he/she is very much wanted and waited for and you will forge an amazing bond. Honestly, girls aren't all they're bigged up to be. 😬

OP there isn't a way to tell from a 6 week scan of you are having a boy or a girl. It is BS. As a miscarriage /infertility sufferer who waited 8 years and three lots of IVF to finally get a baby and got a boy I promise you IF you have a boy you will think he is the best baby on the world. I know mine is.

OP, I could have written this post, years of infertility, desperate for a girl, and an engineer as well!!
I ended up with B/G twins, and I love them both the same!

Start doing the visualisations for the boy. Imagine what you'll dress him in and the cool things you'll do with him and what you'll call him and so on. Make him become just as real to you.

We waited a long time for our first child and endured 8 yrs of waiting, tests, IUI and IVF and throughout that time the baby I imagined was always a girl! I think we all have in mind what parenthood is like and the child we might have. If you suffer from infertility you have a very long time to imagine everything about that child. I don't think what you are experiencing is wrong but I do think as the pregnancy progresses you will let go of what you imagined and hoped for and love what you have.

I had a name picked out and was stuck on that name but when it came to it, the name felt wrong to give to an actual baby, it was the name my imagined child had!

Infertility is awful and it's tough! Don't beat yourself up over this too. Try to relax and enjoy your pregnancy (not easy I know)! Very best wishes!

Also: 'you can't help how you feel' is nonsense.

You don't have to be guilty for feeling it, but you can certainly do things to change your feelings. The visualisations I said before. But other CBT-style things. Whenever you catch yourself feeling disappointed, stop, remind yourself that having a baby is an amazing, incredible thing to celebrate, whether it is a boy or a girl. When you look at girl clothes or names or whatever, pause, tell yourself that you can do that later when you know the gender for sure, and pat your tummy to remind yourself that you'll love this baby no matter what.

Changing your thought patterns is perfectly possible and in this case, I'd say well worth the effort. The last thing you want, it's clear from your post OP, is for any of these feelings to affect your child and their relationship with you. So I would seriously start doing something about them.