Please knock some sense into me re: desperation for a girl.

[Iamvile]

I must preface this by saying that I am deeply upset by these feeling ms and I don’t want to feel this way.

I am finally pregnant after 4 years of solid fertility treatment and our third attempt at ivf worked and I’m now currently 9 weeks pregnant.

I feel beyond fortunate. Infertility left me feeling suicidal and I have never felt stress or pain like I did during that time. It felt like relentless suffering. It messed with my head and I didn’t like the person I became: jealous, reclusive and nervous. Totally the opposite of my personality normally.

Throughout the experience I always held on to the fantasy of finally getting my baby and I’m afraid to say it was always a girl. I’ve done all sorts of mad things, named her and bought girls clothes, you name it.

I just can’t imagine this baby being anything else. I had a scan at 6 weeks (Transvaginal and I can’t find a straight answer as to whether the image is a mirror image or true to life) and I’ve been investigating the Ramzi Theory. Sent it off to a so called expert and they came back with boy.

I am so relieved and happy to be pregnant so why do I feel so disappointed that the scan picture points towards this much longed for baby being a boy?

For what it’s worth I’m not a particularly girly girl, I work in engineering (not that I’m by any means the only female engineer in the world). I do have the most incredible bond with my own mum so I’m sure it’s because of that.

How can I stop these feelings? I feel like I would pay anything if someone could guarantee me a girl.

Little boys can be wonderfully kind gentle loving souls. A healthy baby is a win win.

Sounds like it might be worth talking to a professional about your feelings?

If you have a harmony test you could find out by 11/12 weeks

I wouldn't base what gender your child is on a theory that seems to base its decisions on what side of your body the placenta is sitting.

They say 97% accuracy, but I'd say it's more just pure luck they've been right some of the time.

I'll make a prediction too that you're having a girl. Let's see who's right.

DH and I went through 5 years of fertility treatment. Both of us just assumed we'd have a girl. I'd always wanted a girl. We got two boys. I could not be happier. Having them has been so utterly brilliant. As soon as they're born they're not 'a boy' or 'agirl' they're people and they're your precious and longed for baby. Your feelings will vanish. I'm sure of it. They could be based on anxiety.

Try and prepare yourself with ideas of fun stuff to do with them, whoever they are (these days both sexes can do everything anyway - DS1 was half the time in a pink fairy tutu and half the time on a rugby pitch covered in mud.) And any notion in our heads of being able to understand or connect with one sex more than another is just fantasy. Every individual is different. You will connect with the person, not their gender.

I was worried about having a girl because of the difficult relationship with my own mother. I can only tell you I needn’t have wasted time worrying- babies have a way of demanding your attention and you’ll probably be too busy getting on with it to think about what might have been.

With my first I felt like I'd be closer with a girl, her and my DC2 were girls.
DC3 is a boy and he's the sweetest cuddliest most adorable baby ever. The worries I had about not bonding as well were completely unfounded.

In some ways I wonder if you'd be better off not finding out if its a girl or a boy before the birth when you have a preference.
At least that way once the baby is there you can see the reality of your son being perfect rather than upsetting yourself with just the idea of a boy during the pregnancy without seeing the reality.

I felt a lot like you. 6 years of infertility and I'd spent so long thinking about what it would be like to have a baby. All our friends and family have girls, so that's what it felt like we were missing out on. So I had a picture in my head of this girl. We had a name picked out ready. And then we had boys. It meant we had to l had to let go of my picture, which was uncomfortable but didn't last. I think it's a hangover from the stress of infertility.

I always wanted a girl till I remembered puberty, and how awful I was. And the minefields of being a teen with large boobs and all the crazies trying to assault you. Don't know how I would start protecting a daughter. It also helps that my youngest nephew is the cutest little boy who loves hugs and chatting. Whereas my niece doesn't like being touched and can be really awkward. And my niece doesn't like nice clothes but prefers joggers and a baseball cap. And her hair always looks like a birds nest (I love her, honest, she's witty and intelligent, just not girly cute).

So having a girl doesn't mean she'll conform to your idea of a daughter.

In my first pregnancy I’d hoped for a boy. I found out at about 13 weeks she was a girl. I was a little disappointed but that went and now I have 2.5 girls (one due Dec) and can’t imagine ever having a boy or wanting one! Honestly once your baby is here your feelings will disappear

Please don't be hard on yourself. At moment this baby is still sort of existing in the fantasy world you created during your infertility journey. Once they start to move about and especially when they are born, they will be a real individual and you will totally get past this. Also you may have some random anxiety floating around after such an ordeal over the last few years and its channelling itself into this. Be patient with yourself and kind to yourself.

And massive congratulations!!! 💐

Hi op. I had a friend who felt the same way and tbh you just can’t help the way you feel. She did find out the sex as soon as she could do that she could prepare herself if it was a boy. I think that’s a very good idea. She did have a boy and wouldn’t change him for the world.

One way to make yourself feel better is to remind yourself how much easier life is for a boy/man!

You can’t help feelings - stop fighting them - process them and they will pass. I had ivf - it’s tough - it’s different to falling pregnant naturally. Be kind to yourself.

This child is still potentially your baby. You need time to learn to bond as he or she grows within you. Movements will make the reality. At the moment of birth for many people, love kicks in whatever

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I’m sure a big part of it comes from your struggle through infertility and the fact that you’ve built up such a detailed picture of your baby over the years. You will not feel like this forever and your baby will be their own little person, not the imagined dream baby.

Also Ramzi theory is a pile of crap, this nicely written article explains it:
www.babycenter.com/0_the-ramzi-theory-does-it-work_10423824.bc
If you want to find out the gender this early then you’ll need to get the Harmony test.

You're gonna have to mourn the fantasy and embrace the reality. Once he's here I'm sure you'll feel very differently.

I had ICSI and a couple of losses and finally had a successful pg after 3 years of trying. I really wanted a girl and was disappointed to start with that he was a boy (we didn’t find out in pregnancy so found out at birth).
I wouldn’t swap my amazing DS (now 6) for 10 girls, he’s so lovely.
I understand how you feel, don’t beat yourself up, but also don’t worry - if it is a boy you will quickly adore him more than is possible.
I am now glad he’s a boy as girls seem very stroppy and complicated judging by friends! I also can’t do plaits

Huge congratulations! People who haven’t been through the years of infertility can very easily say “I don’t care as long as it’s health”, or those silk there saying they just want a baby. It’s not rationale whatsoever. They only thing that kept you going was this image of a girl so of course it has stuck.
Find out as soon as you can, either through scan or better still blood test as suggested. Torturing yourself waiting until delivery won’t hekl. Find out now and if it’s a bit you can accept and get exited preparing for them

Apparently the Ramzi method is 97% accurate or thereabouts!

According to whom? Apparently the theory has been basically debunked.

Try not to think of the sex of the baby at all. Just think of it as your lovely baby. I know it's early days but could you buy a neutral babygrow to try and help you bond?

It’s such a short time before whatever you have, girl or boy, becomes a vocal and determined personality in their own right that either gender can’t really matter ultimately.

You may have an idea, a blueprint, of how your girl would be. I think I did too. I have two. They’re both very very different and neither of them are very influenced by me much at all - they have such strong identities of their own.

I also have a boy..and guess what, he’s the same. Think of your baby as a new person who will amaze, astound and surprise you. But whatever you think they’ll be like, they probably won’t be.

My advice op.

Stop worrying about worry. You can think what you like and feel how you feel. But trust me you will love this baby whatever.

Go with the flow

I wanted a girl second time round. I have no idea why really, but when DS1 was born I was like 'oh' for approximately 5 minutes...
5 minutes after that I was feeling sorry for those new mums who had just had girls

Hormones are ridiculous things!

I have four, (two of each as it happens) and I can tell you for certain that you will fall in love with your baby...not necessarily immediately..bonding can take weeks or more, but you WILL. And you won't care.

FWIW I adore my kids, who are now grown up... and guess who is the closest to me? Yep DS1... even at 25 he is so affectionate and loving.

Be kind to yourself, you've had heck of a ride to get to this point, and whatever the sex of your baby (and bollocks is it 97% accurate at 6 weeks scan) you really really won't care when he or she arrives!

You can have the harmony test from 10 weeks and they'll tell you for sure (done on a blood test). Then you can come to terms with it either way. Good luck. I'm sure you'll love it whatever he or she is. (And for the record, a girl definitely won't guarantee you a close knit bond unfortunately. That's just something you hope for through your parenting style. Perhaps you should try imagining a really close bond with a boy and a less close bond with a girl. How would that make you feel and does it lessen your feelings at all?).

I am now told old to have children. We had the IVF 5 times and it all failed. Nothing to show for the treatments except receipts. Like SilverSurfer says I'd have been ecstatic with a girl or a boy baby. It still hurts to be childless. DH does not want to consider adopting. Please be relaxed and happy. There is every chance the 'expert' got it wrong. 9 weeks is very young to see whether you have a son or daughter. I work with small children now and I can tell you the boys are much more fun and much more brilliant than i ever thought. I always thought I would have a daughter but it was not to be.

Someone I know was told she was having a boy from an early scan, she went for a scan a few weeks later and they asked if she wanted to know whether her baby was a boy or girl, she said I know it’s a boy, they said no it’s a girl, so sometimes they are not always correct with early scans.

Whether your baby is a girl or boy, being a mum is fab. Many congrats OP.

I've not experienced infertility to the extent you have, so cannot comment on that. I have 2 boys and my baby days are done now so will never have a girl. I'm disappointed I'll never have a daughter, but that's a whole other post for another day and not something that upsets me enough to interfere with my relationship with my boys.

What I will say is what other PP have hinted at, this sounds related to your journey through infertility and I wonder perhaps if you would benefit from some form of counseling perhaps before the baby arrives. As other PP have said, often those who struggle with infertility are those who struggle with PND after having children because the expectation has been built so much in their minds. If it's not the perfect scenario that was imagined, then it gets very difficult to manage.

I don't want to alarm you with any of this. I had bad PND after DS1 and would hate anyone else to suffer with it.