Please knock some sense into me re: desperation for a girl.

[Iamvile]

I must preface this by saying that I am deeply upset by these feeling ms and I don’t want to feel this way.

I am finally pregnant after 4 years of solid fertility treatment and our third attempt at ivf worked and I’m now currently 9 weeks pregnant.

I feel beyond fortunate. Infertility left me feeling suicidal and I have never felt stress or pain like I did during that time. It felt like relentless suffering. It messed with my head and I didn’t like the person I became: jealous, reclusive and nervous. Totally the opposite of my personality normally.

Throughout the experience I always held on to the fantasy of finally getting my baby and I’m afraid to say it was always a girl. I’ve done all sorts of mad things, named her and bought girls clothes, you name it.

I just can’t imagine this baby being anything else. I had a scan at 6 weeks (Transvaginal and I can’t find a straight answer as to whether the image is a mirror image or true to life) and I’ve been investigating the Ramzi Theory. Sent it off to a so called expert and they came back with boy.

I am so relieved and happy to be pregnant so why do I feel so disappointed that the scan picture points towards this much longed for baby being a boy?

For what it’s worth I’m not a particularly girly girl, I work in engineering (not that I’m by any means the only female engineer in the world). I do have the most incredible bond with my own mum so I’m sure it’s because of that.

How can I stop these feelings? I feel like I would pay anything if someone could guarantee me a girl.

The ramzi theory looks like absolute bollocks. The only sites claiming it is 97% accurate are those who are trying to take some of your cash. There are some scummy people out there.

Be kind to yourself.

You’ve gone through 4 harrowing years in a state of misery and stress. You’re probably unwinding and have replaced the childlessness to some degree with a new worry - the baby’s gender.

Everything is going to be okay for you but I wonder if you should have some counselling to put the past to sleep so you can move on.

I hear you OP. I have four boys. I was not bothered in the slightest and loved the idea of all boys until number 4. I think I was affected by some of the very negative comments from people over the years and felt I was missing out on something, especially as he was my last baby and it was last chance saloon. I now know I wasn't.

Each baby grows into a person and people are all different. Now I am so proud of my family. My sons are just lovely people, funny, caring, kind , full of laughter and usually nice to be around (they are human and have the odd moment!). They are also very different from each other but I have a close relationship with all of them. I now realise that not being able to buy dresses doesn't really matter at all.

My best friend has a daughter, her only child. Her daughter was never interested in clothes, makeup, shopping or any of the traditionally girlish pursuits. Over the years they also had many tough times but came through them. There are never any guarantees and fantasy does not often match reality.

I know it's hard to see past them being a baby but you will have your whole life with this new person and it will be an adventure.

I don't think you'll care so much when your baby arrives. Take care of yourself, you've had a hard time and try not to focus too much on this. Enjoy your pregnancy

Congratulations OP!

I found out and only then did I realise I'd be disappointed-cried at the drop of a hat for two days, though v grateful for baby. Spoke openly about it to a few fantastic friends and then it faded... By the time he arrived i adored him, and he is an absolute cherub. I wasn't grieving having a boy, I was grieving the loss of the daughter and relationship I'd never had.. best of luck x

Just want to say I know someone who was told girl after her harmony test only to find out at 16w, 18w and 20w that he is definitely a boy! Apparantly it’s common for it to be wrong this way round (told girl but it’s a boy) where they see the X but miss the Y whereas if you’re told boy it’s 100% accurate. She had the test for diagnostic purposes rather than the baby’s sex so I wouldn’t recommend spending £100s on harmony when you could pay for a few 3D sexing scans much more cheaply.

I had another friend who had gender disappointment it’s really common and doesn’t make you vile at all (if that’s what your user name is referring to!) I think your pregnancy journey was a Difficult one and so your brain is now protecting your thoughts by giving you this to focus on for now

Only just noticed the OP's username! OP, you are not.

Op I completely get it. We tried for 7 years and were told it would never happen. However I got pregnant unexpectedly and naturally. I was initially thrilled but very quickly this turned to huge anxiety over the idea my dc may be a boy. By the time I was about 16 weeks I was so desperately unhappy. I couldn't find out the gender as I was terrified I'd hate the baby until it was born if it was a boy. From about 24 weeks on I completely switched off, refused to buy anything and was very negative. When I finally had my dc - and got my long wished for dd - I was totally disconnected and the minute she was born plummeted into years of depression.
Apologies for the huge post. Don't be me. Enjoy your pregnancy, be excited about being a mum. If you stay low, get to the gp and ask for help. Huge congratulations!

I agree to be kind to yourself. One thing I notice it’s that the more I try to push away unwanted thoughts, the louder they get. One way, which is basically mindfulness extrapolated, is to notice the thoughts and don’t get caught up in them being significant iyswim. They’re just a thought. A nice way I heard of doing it is to imagine yourself giving them a little smile and a wave, saying ‘hello little thought I see you’. It takes the power out of them.

I also get where you’re coming from re a girl. I am one of three girls, I thought what even IS boy. I’m glad we found out the gender because both my partner and I needed time to adjust for different reasons. I type this with 6 month old son asleep on my chest. It’s fine. I’m a totally fine parent for him, and he’s a fine baby for me :)

OP you’re not vile, you’re a human being who has been through a lot of stress and trauma.

Let yourself off the hook. What you feel now is not what you will feel when he/she is here.

It’ll be ok x

I wanted a girl so desperately during my first pregnancy, couldn't explain it but I just did. I had my daughter and was over the moon. I got pregnant again 7 years later and again, this desperation for a girl overcame me. I found out at the 20 week scan that he was a boy and I have to admit I was disappointed, I didn't feel as linked to the pregnancy as I had with my daughter. He was born prematurely and spent a month in the NICU before coming home. I couldn't hold him for a few days and even then he was covered in wires. It took me a couple of weeks to properly bond with him but once I did, oh my goodness did I fall in love. I couldn't imagine not having him in my life, he's everything I didn't know I wanted. I had to have counselling because of the guilt I felt about feeling disappointed and detached during my pregnancy. I carry a lot of guilt that this is why he was born early. My counseller has explained that this is a very common feeling during pregnancy.
I have every faith that your little boy will be everything you didn't know you wanted too

Thank you so much everyone.

Some really personal and honest responses here. I wish I could respond to every single one but know that I read each and was very moved. I really appreciate the generosity.

This has been really helpful. I actually have a brother who I completely adore and I’m
Hardly from a very female environment. It’s all irrational. feel a lot better already.

for you all

@Iamvile

Not that it matter to the substance of what everyone is saying but... the Ramzi method has been proven to be bunk science (they have done studies) it is right 50% of the time AKA chance.

Incidentally, i was also disappointing to be carrying a boy but i got used to the idea during the remainder of the pregnancy and he is now 5 months old and is really the most amazing little person and wouldn't swap him for a girl now. (i am hoping for a girl with number two however ):)

Another one who had fertility problems and wanted a girl. Always wanted a girl. I couldn't believe I would actually get a baby when pregnant so i didn't bond with the bump at all.

I have a boy I love so so much I could explode with glee. Honestly he is amazing, much much more than I could have ever dreamt.

Don't beat yourself up, you'll be ok.

Ramzi method was wrong for both me and 2 of my mates. Its only 6 weeks too.
I really wanted a boy. I have a girl. I cannot tell you how much i love her and wouldn't change her for the world. I look back and could slap myself for being so sad the day i found out the sex of the baby.
Trust me when i say you wont give a shit.

Don’t be too harsh on yourself
Hopefully you can enjoy this much wanted pregnancy with the knowledge that if it is a little boy you’ll love him completely

OP, amongst myself and friends (9 babies to date) we've found that Rampisham, nub and skull theories are as accurate as tossing a coin. I think the strike rate 5 of the 9.

It's all bollocks, you've two possible answers things will be right at least half the time.

The ramzi method is in fact a hoax you can't tell until about 16 weeks I was told at 14 weeks with my boy and 16 weeks with my girl so I wouldn't be getting your self upset over something that really isn't reliable. good luck and fingers crossed it's a girl xx

OP, you can't choose your feelings and you've got some great advice here. I think there is a general feeling as a society (ie 2018 UK, not everywhere else in the world) that girls (or at least not having only boys if you have several children) are the top prize. I have only boys and people with only girls (including members of my own family!) openly say to me that they'd be disappointed in my shoes, "boys are so noisy/messy/slow to develop" and "you'll have to keep trying til you get a girl". It can feel like some people see having only sons as a second-class family (and boys as a consolation prize) and it's hard not to internalize that.

OP.

I had 3 miscarriages and then (with help) conceived twin boys. I instantly went into a decline because my twins were BOYS. I then lost a twin in the womb. I subsequently had my son but I think I had PND and couldn't bond with him (I've never told my DH this). When DS was almost 2, I read him a book and he started laughing and I realised he was actually a proper little person and I fell in love with him there and then.

OMG he is an amazing kid and we are very close and have a great time together.

BTW . I have a daughter too!

You will love your child.

Can I give you a note of caution though?

A friend had two boys and then a girl. For years she said "I can deal with my boys but I don't know to handle a girl." She said this for years and the daughter is now a mess. I moved away and I wish I'd asked her why she couldn't just love her daughter as a person rather than a gender specific creature.

Give your bump a nickname and worry about the other stuff later x

The problem when you wait a very long time for something you so desperately want is that you have a lot of time to visualise what you dream of, even if during that time, you knew that this could be damaging. It's a way of staying positive and strong whilst coping with the wait and uncertainty.

Once you start to visualise something, it can start to become very real, and because that visualisation makes you feel good, the idea that in the end, it doesn't become your reality can be frightening.

Like you, I desperately hope to be pregnant with a girl when I was first pregnant. That's because as long as a I can recall, I long for the day I would be a mum and always imagined myself with a blond and blue eye little girl. I couldn't wait for the scan to confirm it, yet despite 3 scans, they couldn't tell (legs crossed). In the end, I did have my blue eye blond hair girl (even though neither I nor her dad is blond). She was exactly the girl I imagined, in many ways, it was actually quite spooky.

When I fell pregnant the second time, I again wanted a girl because again, it would have fulfilled my imagination of my so adored girl having a sister she could be closed to. Yet from the moment I was pregnant, I was convinced it was a boy. I was very much anticipating asking at the 20w scan. What took me as a total surprise was when the sonographer announced it was a girl and I found myself hugely disappointed and so surprised that I did ask him at the end if he could have a look again, which to his great annoyance he agreed... and sure enough, it was then very clear it was a boy.

My kids are now 18 and 15 and yes, my boy is much much harder to bring up, but when it comes to love, I feel exactly the same for both, although in a different way as I feel much more protective of my boy than my daughter.

As Bridgeteilly has advised, it is possible to change your mindset, break that image of perfection you've build in your mind to get to the point of identifying your happiness with what you actually have rather than what you are imagining you will have. Be totally assured that whether a girl or a boy, your experience of becoming a mum will come with utter joy and happiness, and most likely times of frustration, desperation and confusion whatever the sex of your baby.

And like others, I really wouldn't take this stupid test seriously. How would have felt if it came back 97% girl and it turned out to be wrong? I could have gone 5 months certain I was expecting another girl to have the surprise of a boy at birth. You really don't know until they are in your arms.