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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a female lover to brighten up my existence?

114 replies

milkchocolate · 29/05/2007 14:37

Is that cheating? or not?
I have my husband whom I love, and my kids.
But life is dull. Am I being unreasonable to have an "affair" with a woman? Who is also married with kids, if neither of us have any inclination to leave our husbands, and we live so far away we can hardly ever get to meet? Just a sort of flirtation?

Slap me if you must, or drill some sense into me.

OP posts:
wheresthevalium · 29/05/2007 14:39

Um, are you bi-sexual or is this specific to this one person?

If so, is you DH aware that you are bi?

Original poster
milkchocolate · 29/05/2007 14:40

We are both bi-sexual, me and this other woman. Our husbands are straight. Mine does not know I am, though.

OP posts:
PetronellaPinkPants · 29/05/2007 14:41

yes it is cheating
of course it is!

chevre · 29/05/2007 14:41

definitely cheating.

TheArmadillo · 29/05/2007 14:41

If you have a relationship with someone else it is cheating whatever the sex of that person.

Try and spice up your life with your husband rather than potentially destroying everything you have by having an affair.

Speccy · 29/05/2007 14:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lulumama · 29/05/2007 14:45

having sex with someone other than your DH , regardless of that other person;s gender, is still cheating

if your marriage and your life is boring, do something together to liven it up, or get out of the marriage !!

Original poster
milkchocolate · 29/05/2007 14:45

Somehow, and I may sound like an immoral, unscrupulous bigotted twat, but it doesnt seem like cheating as she is female?
Or, is that just wishful thinking? Having some issues I need to iron out. Have repressed that side of me for 15 years, and then she walks into my life. Me unhappy aboutt this.

OP posts:
preggerspoppet · 29/05/2007 14:46

would you be happy to allow your dh to have sex with another man?

aviatrix · 29/05/2007 14:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

HuwEdwards · 29/05/2007 14:46

ditto lulumama

the sex of your intended lover is completely irrelevant.

princessmel · 29/05/2007 14:46

Yes, its cheating.

PetronellaPinkPants · 29/05/2007 14:47

So go and get some therapy and sort it out before you decide what to do.

Don't ruin your dh's life (and probably yours and your kids' too) by having an affair. It is disrespectful and unfair and will cause untold misery

Original poster
milkchocolate · 29/05/2007 14:47

no I wouldnt.

can you all just slap me?
never thought this should happen

OP posts:
lulumama · 29/05/2007 14:48

sex is more than penetration though, milkchocolate, just because the intended lover doesn;t have a penis, doesn't mean you are not going to have sex

you are being clinton-esque about this, aren;t you??

AbRoller · 29/05/2007 14:48

I was goint to change my name for this one but I reckon whats the point - I'm bi and there's no point in hiding it. If people like me and get on with me then finding out I'm bi shouldn't change their opinion.

Anyway, I would say do not do it for the simple reason that it is being unfaithful, just because it's a woman doesnt make it excusable. You say your life is dull and I have to trust that is your feeling instead of pointing out where you should consider yourself lucky etc etc but maybe to spice things up for both you and your dh you could invite a friend into your RL.

Basically, what I'm saying is I'm openminded and feel there are lots of things to consider spicing up your SL but having an affair is not one of them.

TootyFrooty · 29/05/2007 14:50

Of course it's cheating.

However, dancingtina can tell you how to book a hotel room for the afternoon if you choose to go ahead.

PetronellaPinkPants · 29/05/2007 14:50

Have a look here to see the fall-out

preggerspoppet · 29/05/2007 14:50

your feelings wont go away though if you have been bi for so long. I think you need to find someone to talk to who has been through similar. an affair could wreck your family's lives, but keeping this hidden could wreck yours too...

Original poster
milkchocolate · 29/05/2007 14:56

I need to get my head sorted, one way or the other. Just did not think this would happen, ever. I love my husband so much, but it has been dull lately, and now I am utterly confused. Though I know what I should do. Think I need somebody to talk to about it, just dont know who. I hate having secrets, and this is eating me up.

OP posts:
PetronellaPinkPants · 29/05/2007 14:58

Can you get a counsellor or therapist? Sounds like it would be a good thing to discuss in that sort of environment

Original poster
milkchocolate · 29/05/2007 15:03

Maybe Relate?

OP posts:
PetronellaPinkPants · 29/05/2007 15:03

Maybe
You can wait a while for an appt though

Can you afford to go privately? Where do you live?

Desiderata · 29/05/2007 15:05

The fallout of such a course of action would be immense. Of course it's cheating ... and it's more than cheating, since you haven't told your husband that you're bi.

You settled for your life. You settled for the husband and the kids. You can't have it both ways, as any bisexual who's every got married on the monogamy ticket will tell you.

Original poster
milkchocolate · 29/05/2007 15:06

I am in London.

I so wish I never had met her, she has thrown my world upside down.

OP posts: