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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a female lover to brighten up my existence?

114 replies

milkchocolate · 29/05/2007 14:37

Is that cheating? or not?
I have my husband whom I love, and my kids.
But life is dull. Am I being unreasonable to have an "affair" with a woman? Who is also married with kids, if neither of us have any inclination to leave our husbands, and we live so far away we can hardly ever get to meet? Just a sort of flirtation?

Slap me if you must, or drill some sense into me.

OP posts:
PetronellaPinkPants · 29/05/2007 15:07

ok so you have a lot of therapists within easy reach
Do you know anyone who can recommend one to you? Or maybe someone on here could recommend someone who is good with this sort of thing

contentiouscat · 29/05/2007 15:08

I wouldnt slap you after all you cant help your sexuality or how you feel but you can help what you do about it.

Your DH would most likely be really hurt and it could end your marriage, the question is would it be worth it?

kittylette · 29/05/2007 15:08

Cheating is cheating, and people will jsut get hurt.

Im bi-sexual, so I understand how you feel but cheating is just about the worst road you can go down.

Dont do it

tribpot · 29/05/2007 15:09

I knew a bisexual couple in Sweden (he male, she female) who had a rule that it wasn't 'cheating' if they slept with someone of their own sex, only if it was with someone of the opposite sex. This being Sweden of course, it was all terribly civilised and everyone met each other's lovers, went out for dinner, etc. and it was all marvellous.

What you're proposing is not that at all. If you think it could be, why not ask your dh what he thinks? It's hardly fair to say he can't cheat just cos he doesn't fancy guys, so maybe have a rule "we both are allowed to sleep with other women"

UnquietDad · 29/05/2007 15:10

Talk to your DH about it. Let's be honest, 95% of straight men love the idea of their wife/gf "getting it on" with another "bird" in theory, but the reality may be very different. (I don't know - DW has never tested me!)

preggerspoppet · 29/05/2007 15:11

how about setting yourself a task of say, 3 months? where you totally devote yourself to your marriage, really go for it. dont see or speak to this woman, just don't. and see how it goes? if it is not just about sex then you will need to get some help with a longterm decision, but if it is just about the sex then it might go away? thats if you can spice things up with your dh....

you have been hiding this for so long, you dont have to rush things now.

kittylette · 29/05/2007 15:12

My DP is fine with me having a female lover (though i have never acted on this - lol)

Maybe if you told him he would be OK with it?

Or he may not

Eitherway you need to sit down and talk to your husband, it must be so hard to hide a bit part of your self from him, open up to him!

It will be a relief!

twinsetandpearls · 29/05/2007 15:14

I thin you need to talk to your dp and there are other ways of spicing up your relatioship an dif you need to bring in a third party without dp knoweldge or consent than your relatinship is fundamentally flawed.

I am bisexual and when dp went through a difficult time I had similar feelings to you and almost strayed without his consent but he found out and tbh I am glad. We had a fan and open discussion about both of our wants and needs and as a result I feel he knows me better than any man or woman I ahve ever met and I find that has brought us so close there is no need for me to look elsewhere.

AbRoller · 29/05/2007 15:20

first of all milk chocolate I apologise for my last post - not that I didn't mean what I said but that I didn't realise your sexuality was as big an issue as it obviously is, I just thought you were bored and looking for anything different.

I still believe that having an affair is wrong and strongly advise you don't go down that road as it will hurt alot of people you hold dear but I think you really do need to talk to someone. I know you made the decision to marry and have children but that, as someone else pointed out, does not mean you have to live a lie forever.

Maybe your not bi but just hold a certain attraction for a person with whom you share, or at some point shared a bond with.

I don't believe you ever lied to you dh in this regard as it is obvious you're not quite sure yourself.

I know it's scary, I've been there but you must be true to yourself - with consideration for your family obviously.

contentiouscat · 29/05/2007 15:21

LOL Unquiet Dad I nearly said that!! He might be miffed if he cant join in though!

Original poster
milkchocolate · 29/05/2007 15:22

I dont know how I can tell him now, nearly 14 years down the line. When I met him I did not think it an issue, as I always thought either or, and not BOTH. I fell in love with him and did not envisage myself ever wanting another man or woman in my life.

And now, I have met HER, and she kissed me, and it blew my mind. I did not take anything further beyond that kiss. But it has shaken me to the core.

One thing is that I am bi, another is that I have met somebody, as somebody else said, it is double deceit. I am in a horrible place right now.

She makes me feel so beautiful, and so special, and I guess, it is just the vanity of a faded flower that was once me, that is talking now...

OP posts:
PetronellaPinkPants · 29/05/2007 15:26

MC this might enlighten you as well it sounds like you are embroiled in one of these.

I think you need to stop now and go and sort yourself out and decide what/who it is is that you want before your dh finds out and you are left with no options

It sounds a terribly difficult situation I hope you manage to work it out

UnquietDad · 29/05/2007 15:26

I think you need to ask yourself some general questions. What are his attitudes to bisexual women in general? Do you know? does he ever talk about this sort of thing? Do you think he'd be disgusted, or is he the kind of guy who'd be intrigued, even turned on, by the idea of you kissing another woman? Has he ever talked about it as a fantasy?

Because, for all the answers people can give you about it being "just as much cheating" as with another man, there are an awful lot of men who just don't see it that way and won't feel threatened as they would by a male lover, especially if you make it clear you have no intention of leaving him and it's just a way of exploring another side of you.

contentiouscat · 29/05/2007 15:28

I think we all see someone at sometime and think "wow" after all we are married not dead! I talked to a rather attractive man this weekend but if you have committed to being faithful to someone then you need to take a step back!

I appreciate the situation is different as you are bi but you either need to be honest and accept the consequences or stick with the life you planned with your DH and never contact this woman again.

contentiouscat · 29/05/2007 15:30

Surely though if you start an affair with her there is a chance your feelings will be emotional and not just sexual and that will threaten your marriage?

Original poster
milkchocolate · 29/05/2007 15:34

My husband is not really very gay friendly, that is probably one reason I never really talked about this to him.

However, he once mentioned a threesome could be fun, but only with him me and another woman, not another man. But I doubt he would be so keen if he new I was already attracted to the woman in question.

I think the best course of action would be to try forget I ever met her. Doesnt matter I am bi, doesnt matter at all, as I should remain true to the one person I married, who totally rely on me, and whom I love so much. After all, this is just "lust" and nothing else. That is my head talking! I can live without these emotions.

Though, I think I need to figure out why I let this situation evolve in the first place and tackle those issues head on.

OP posts:
michaelad · 29/05/2007 15:38

I have had experiences with women in the past and am still attracted to women but would not really want to label myself bisexual. Simply because I don't like labels. I fall in love (or lust) with a person not a gender. I am quite happily married with two beautiful children and my dh knows about my attraction to women and does not mind it. To him it would not be cheating.

Be careful if it's just something you want to do to "spice up" your life! Are you just bored or are you really attracted to this woman?

Am here if you want to talk..

bananabump · 29/05/2007 16:04

I feel so sad for you, milkchocolate. I only need to read the thread title to know just what you're feeling. I understand how it is to feel that side of you never fulfilled or expressed, especially when life is dull and you want to feel alive again. Have you had relationships with women before?

There's no point in suggesting a threesome out of guilt, because it's not what you want, is it? You don't want to share her and have to worry about his feelings and his pleasure and making it all about him so he doesn't feel left out. In fact, I'm betting that telling him would spoil some of the appeal.

If you can, put her out of your mind for a few months as much as possible, then examine your feelings and see whether you can live with the "What if?" or whether you still want it as badly then. I'm sure you'll get your answer.

FioFio · 29/05/2007 16:07

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michaelad · 29/05/2007 16:07

Couldn't agree with you more, bananabump!
Am really glad to see that OP could start this thread without getting stoned for it, iykwim.

Original poster
milkchocolate · 29/05/2007 16:09

Bananabump, yes I have had in the past, not for a very long time though. I met my husband when I was 21, I am 35 now. So, it has been 15 years since I was with a female. I have of course noticed beautiful women in the same way as I have noticed handsome men, but not ever actually felt attracted to neither a woman nor another man since I met my husband. Until now. So, in a sense the gender does not matter, but if it had been a man I would have been more "aware of the danger" and not let her under my skin. As it is, this just crept up on me...

OP posts:
bananabump · 29/05/2007 16:10

Well, I'm sure there are enough of us out there who know how she feels. We all had lives before we met our menfolk.

michaelad · 29/05/2007 16:12

Has anything actually happened between you and this woman yet or are you just flirting and thinking about how it might be "if"?

Original poster
milkchocolate · 29/05/2007 16:17

We have kissed. The earth moved.

She is bi, and her husband knows it, and he was ok with her having affairs with women, until they had kids. She has therefore had many affairs, but none recently. So she is trying to "push this forward". I am just not able to go any further than I already have by "letting" her kiss me. Now of course I am guilt ridden, and surprised I can even feel this way.

OP posts:
FioFio · 29/05/2007 16:19

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