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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a female lover to brighten up my existence?

114 replies

milkchocolate · 29/05/2007 14:37

Is that cheating? or not?
I have my husband whom I love, and my kids.
But life is dull. Am I being unreasonable to have an "affair" with a woman? Who is also married with kids, if neither of us have any inclination to leave our husbands, and we live so far away we can hardly ever get to meet? Just a sort of flirtation?

Slap me if you must, or drill some sense into me.

OP posts:
GiantSquirrelSpotter · 29/05/2007 16:19

I think the problem is that as with any affair, you don't know how you'll feel three months in.

As with a man, you may find the relationship most definitely does threaten your marriage and family.

michaelad · 29/05/2007 16:22

Phew.. you must be reeling.. I think it's pretty unfair and inconsiderate of her to want to "push this" knowing that you are not in a similar position to her.
Try and take some "time out" to find out what you really want. Especially since you said that you feel guilty and are "unable to let this go any further".

I can fully understand that the excitement can be overwhelming..but think of the possible consequences for you and dh.

Original poster
milkchocolate · 29/05/2007 16:53

Thank you all for your help.
It is nice to know it is possible to post about this without being slated or sensored.

I will tell her we must cool it off/stop this now. I dont want anybody hurt or upset, least of all my own family.

Think I must go get my self a "buzzy friend" lol.

OP posts:
PetronellaPinkPants · 29/05/2007 17:01

Very wise

americantrish · 29/05/2007 17:15

it's definitely cheating and i'm massively gay and bi friendly. it might be worth exploring what's wanting you to stray... or maybe you can explore your bi fantasties thru other methods?

if your husband were to find out, it could potentially ruin your marriage.

i wouldn't do it...imo.

americantrish · 29/05/2007 17:15

just saw your update to this after i posted my comment... good idea

purpleduck · 29/05/2007 18:01

yep, cheatin'

Original poster
milkchocolate · 29/05/2007 19:54

Wish me luck, I will be trying to talk to my husband about this after the kids gone to bed....

OP posts:
kittylette · 29/05/2007 19:54

good luck xx

AbRoller · 29/05/2007 19:55

good luck

persephonesnape · 29/05/2007 20:36

I don't think it's as simple as labelling it as 'cheating', because that makes it rather black and white - the addition of the question of sexuality introduces a grey area.

denying your feelings towards someone of the same sex was what people had to do in unenlightened times. They used to have to hide their sexuality for a quiet life and people were more destroyed by this than someone simply having an affair.

i think you need to be honest with your husband and not continue living this huge unhappy lie.

TheMoistWorldOfSeptimusQuench · 29/05/2007 20:48

Good luck milkchocolate - I really feel for you & I hope you can find some resolution and happiness

perspehonesnape - what a very good and insightful point.

TheMoistWorldOfSeptimusQuench · 29/05/2007 20:50

And praise the lord that milkchoc has been able to come on here & find some broad shoulders and wise counsel rather than having her head ripped off.

tribpot · 29/05/2007 21:01

Good luck milkchoc. We can all use a buzzy friend or two

sparklesandwine · 29/05/2007 21:19

i have read most of the thread milkchocolate and wish you luck i hope you are able to reach some kind of decision with this however long it may take, you sound like a lovely person who isn't going to take the feelings you have for your husband/family, and the woman you are attracted to, lightly. There will always be someone here if you need to sound anything out

Original poster
milkchocolate · 29/05/2007 21:56

Thanks.
I have just told her it is over. I need to step out of this.

Still pretty shook up by that conversation.

OP posts:
Dottydot · 29/05/2007 21:58

Glad you could find support on here and hope you're OK over the coming days when you're bound to be feeling very sad.

MrsBond · 29/05/2007 22:00

Affairs can be SO destructive... When people enter into it they think it'll just be a some passionate nooky on the side (whether with man or woman - no diff IMO - you are attracted to this 'person'). BUT will you end up falling in love - or become obsessive with lust/love. This will start to change how you feel for your DH. It could damage your marriage and your family.

If the other 'person' is pushing it forward - Beware! They have experience of affairs - maybe can handle the emotional juggling (and there DH is OK with it). You might be more at risk here - you could have more to loose....

bananabump · 29/05/2007 23:47

How are you feeling about it all, milkchocolate? What was your husbands reaction to what you told him? Did you just tell him about your bi leanings or did you mention the lady in question?

Hoping you're ok and not too feeling too sad about it.

Sossy · 30/05/2007 00:57

I have slightly different views on this. It seems that your marriage is repressing who you are which is a bad thing. I think you should explore this side to your personality, why on earth not? If it's just sex and not love I really don't see the problem. If your husband doesn't like it surely he's in the wrong, why should he tell you what you can and can't do with your own body, ultimately controlling your happiness? I suppose this whole thing really depends on the personality of your husband.

sparklesandwine · 30/05/2007 09:09

milkchocolate i'm glad you have made that decision it may have been a hard one for you but you obviously still
love your DH (and family) and i think it would maybe better for you to put the feelings of 'lust' you have for the other woman into your relationship with your DH instead and make it work to both of your advantage, hopefully this will make you stronger as a couple. Did you end up telling DH about your feelings for someone else or did you just talk about your feelings within your own relationship?

Judy1234 · 30/05/2007 09:59

Would you be happy with your husband sleeping with a gay lover without telling you and are you prepared for everyone finding out including the children as is often the case. If so go ahead. It is not technically adultery but it's unreasonable behaviour so he could divorce you. I suppose there is also a risk you might lose the children too. if you think that is worth it for some fun then go ahead.

WelshBoris · 30/05/2007 10:00

I bet if Xenia had a gay lover she'd have to have a job aswell.

No SAHM lesbian loving for our Xenia.

Original poster
milkchocolate · 30/05/2007 10:06

Hi,

I told her it was over, and I tried to explain why, not sure she understood, or saw that as valid reason. Suppose from her persepctive she is able to carry out an affair without letting it ruin her relationship with her partner, but I am not so that was that. I am sad, I will miss her, she has a fab sense of humour and an intriguing mind, very intelligent.

I half chickenend with my husband, I told him SHE was bi and recent conversation with her indicated she had developed feelings for me, as she had said to me I was "breathtakingly beautiful, etc." I wanted to see the territory, and as he seemed shocked to say the least, I did not pursue it any further than saying "now this was your chance for a threesome" and "this made me a little curious on that side of sexuality". He did not respond much to that. But it is also the exit ticket for me as I know I cant keep talking to her now that he knows where the land lies regards to her.

I will keep talking to my husband about US and what to do to keep our SL active and exciting.

Thank you all for helping me reach the right decisions and to end it with her before I got too involved. I could sense myself falling into heartbreak territory. And I do love my husband, our family means the world to me, I was just sidetracked by the lure of new romance and lust. ... Gosh, that sounded a little like a cheap novel. (Now I just hope she is not vindictive...)

OP posts:
KerryMum · 30/05/2007 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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