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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a female lover to brighten up my existence?

114 replies

milkchocolate · 29/05/2007 14:37

Is that cheating? or not?
I have my husband whom I love, and my kids.
But life is dull. Am I being unreasonable to have an "affair" with a woman? Who is also married with kids, if neither of us have any inclination to leave our husbands, and we live so far away we can hardly ever get to meet? Just a sort of flirtation?

Slap me if you must, or drill some sense into me.

OP posts:
KerryMum · 30/05/2007 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

persephonesnape · 30/05/2007 10:35

actually i would far rather my ex partner had left me for another man rather than the woman he did leave me for. it's completely different kettles of fish as far as I'm concerned...there wouldn't have been a comparison to myself if he'd wanted balls rather than fanjo.

anorak · 30/05/2007 11:57

Hi MC, glad to see you've obeyed your feelings of guilt - you've likely saved yourself from a whole lot of heartache later on.

The unresolved lesbian side of you is just clouding this issue as far as I can see. I haven't done 'everything' sexually that I might have perhaps wished to try at one time in my life - but that's life, there isn't time or opportunity to fit in absolutely everything we want to experience.

It's possible for any of us to feel overwhelmingly attracted to someone (male or female) or even to fall in love with someone other than our husband/wife/partner.

We have to overrule our hearts and stick by our vows, have some respect for our partners. The fact that we've chosen an exclusive relationship has no weight or value unless we ever reach a point where we have to sacrifice something to it.

The trick is to set yourself rules and to stick by them rigidly. If you're attracted to someone other than your partner you simply say to yourself, that's not an option for me, and stick to it.

I'm concerned that you find it impossible to be honest with your DH about something fundamental concerning yourself. This must present you with an exaggerated feeling of unfulfilment in that area. I can't advise you to tell him, if as you say he really has a homophobic side, but that's sad for you, being unable to be your true self with him.

preggerspoppet · 30/05/2007 12:28

nice post anorak. hope your head is becoming more clear milkchocolate.

michaelad · 30/05/2007 13:15

Just wanted to check that you're ok..and am glad that you seem to be handling it rather well, judging from your last posts.

Judy1234 · 30/05/2007 14:03

Yes, good post, anorak.
Rare to find men against lesbian sex, mind you....

bananabump · 30/05/2007 14:10

That's how it appears xenia, but in practic the men who say they'd love a threesome usually bottle it when the opportunity arises. I think they don't want to run the chance of leaving two women unsatisfied!

DaddyJ · 30/05/2007 14:17

Nah, we're just petrified of reliving that storyline from Friends:
Ross getting divorced due to his wife discovering her Lesbian self

Judy1234 · 30/05/2007 14:46

I've never wanted a woman but I've never been with a man who hasn't said he hoped that I might.

bananabump · 30/05/2007 14:51

DaddyJ, that's because there's a high likelihood of it happening. The rules of the threesome: ALWAYS be the third person, never the couple. Too much hassle!

DaddyJ · 30/05/2007 15:04

bananabump, that is very useful advice, thank you! What would I do without Mumsnet?

IcingOnTheCake · 30/05/2007 15:09

bananabump 'The rules of the threesome: ALWAYS be the third person, never the couple. Too much hassle!'

Thats the advice Samantha in Sex and the City gave Your not secretly her are you??

DeJager · 30/05/2007 15:24

This is the start of opening pandora's box.
Honestly...it's trouble with a capital T.
if you single - great, if you married with kids, a big risk.

What if you enjoy it too much???
Things might never be the same again if the sex is better over the fence.

bananabump · 30/05/2007 15:39

LOL, no icing, I just was part of the couple once or twice and it's not worth the fuss and doubt afterwards.

Mind you, they never come problem free: I got invited to be part of a threesome once with a lesbian couple who had been together quite a while. One of them did the asking, the other glared at me murderously.

I politely declined.

(gosh, I now sound like I have a wonderously exciting sex life, it's not true, all this was years ago when I was very drunk and very high, and I'm far too old and sensible and pregnant now for anything except for monthly missionary and marks and sparks big arse covering pants. Honestly!)

Original poster
milkchocolate · 30/05/2007 15:44

Bananabump, I agree they never come problem free, I am sure there are jealousy issues either while or after. YEARS ago, when I was around 20 my best friend and her then boyfriend approached me about this, and I could just imagine the scenario, either their relationship taking a hammering, or my friendship with her, so I said a nice "no thanks, you are of course both very attractive but I dont want to ruin our friendship." lol

OP posts:
UnquietDad · 30/05/2007 23:46

I imagine Xenia's experience (below) is not untypical. Most blokes like the idea, if not necessarily the reality.

Pan · 30/05/2007 23:58

is this one of those threads that could go either way???

Pan · 30/05/2007 23:59

Oooops! Odd man here...confession.....acts of lesbian sex does nothing for me..........is there a punishment for this?????

Pan · 31/05/2007 00:05

why would anyone wish to know this??

UnquietDad · 31/05/2007 00:05

The punishment is to watch "Bound" with Gina Gershon and Jennifer Tilly getting it on.

KerryMum · 31/05/2007 00:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bananabump · 31/05/2007 06:58

Might have known all the men would slowly gravitate to this thread.

Where are you when someone starts a "My dd's poo looks odd" thread, that's what I'd like to know!?

Pan · 31/05/2007 07:13

I would have nooo idea why your dd's poo looks odd. But, I do have an opinion on infidelity.

michaelad · 31/05/2007 09:08

"Bound" bleurgh
May I recommend "When night is falling"?

so, Pan ..what's your opinion on infidelity then?

Judy1234 · 31/05/2007 09:19

People just differ. The men who think they'd like two women usually aren't too keen on their woman with them and another man.

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