to be upset about the way the teacher's end of term present was given to her this morning!

[Lemonsmakelemonade]

My daughter has really thrived at school this year thanks the tough love and nurturing (with some strictness thrown in ) of her class teacher.
I normally volunteer to do the class collection with a couple of other mums but this year are children were in different classes. So another mum, who actually got offended when I did the class collection at Christmas volunteers to do the end of term one, she offered at least a month ago so quite early. Was pleased because I didn't want to be the default parent. Anyway this morning (term does not end until next Tuesday) I was dropped my daughter off and this mum comes up behind me, almost shoves me out the way and gives the teacher a card. Doesn't say what it is, goes on about it 'having to be done today because her (mum's) dad is ill'. As she's walking away a dad runs up to her says 'I hear you're doing the class collection here's some money'. This mum then goes up the teacher asks for the card back. Now the card - first of all it was small card - doubt all the children's names are in it.... I ask the mum as we are going out of the playground 'was that the class collection'. Apparently it was. No flowers or chocolates or even letting the kids give it to the teacher and the TA. I am still seething about this, I'm not some 'virtue signaller' I am someone who really really enjoys doing this for the teachers at the school. I know it's their job but dealing with children is a skill and a vocation.. Now I've messaged the mum and asked if she needs any help (having heard her talk about her dad). This mum will do all the collections but apparently does just shove cash in an envelope and give it to the teacher; just that my children haven't been in her class. I think I might just buy some flowers and chocolates anyway for next week... Why I am so upset about this? Not like I can do anything..

An envelope of money, how crass. I would do your own little token next week.

Class collections are wrong and shouldn’t be done full stop. So you’re all being U.

They make people who can’t/won’t contribute for whatever reason feel bad.

A teacher is not allowed to accept a gift of large value and would have to declare it. Why make things awkward for them?

If you value the teacher and want to thank them for what they’ve done for your child, then give them a card/small token of appreciation as you see fit and don’t get involved with any of this.

I say this as an ex teacher myself. I don’t do gifts for my child’s teachers, we write a nice card.

Just buy your own card and gift. Some parents don't like the 'whole class' thing. It can be awkward if you haven't got much money.

Okay Mrs but that's not very helpful as this has already happened. Looking for advice on why I feel so upset. I'm getting flowers and chocs anyway

To be upset over this suggests you are way to overly invested in school crap, and I would reccomend taking a massive step back. Your child goes their for an education, there is no need for you to be so involved in anything outside of that if you get this stressed about it.

What Fatcow said

**Class collections are wrong and shouldn’t be done full stop. So you’re all being U.

They make people who can’t/won’t contribute for whatever reason feel bad**

^Ridiculous. You can say that about so many other scenarios.

YANBU. It was a total dick move from the other parent and will likely make the teacher feel uncomfortable. If you can’t be arsed to do it properly then don’t volunteer.

I think class collections are a great idea. Suggested donation in our classes is £5 per child. This is massively cheaper than buying 4 individual gifts for teachers and TAs. It saves most parents a lot of money. And we are including the names of all children in the class on the card. So no one will know who contributes.

Actually I'm with Mrs..... but why do you feel so upset? I don't know - do you place a lot of value on being thanked for gifts? Do you feel the teacher might judge you? Do you need validation that you've done a good thing? Are you a bit pissed off that other parents don't think how the present is given is a big deal? Do you feel underappreciated in stuff you do and are you projecting? Or are just a bit of an overthinker who likes things done their way?

I do think if this other woman was so keen to organise it, she should have done it properly - or let someone else do it! I wonder how much was collected, and how much was in that envelope?

Class collections are wrong and shouldn’t be done full stop

ridiculous, they are the best way to get a decent thank you to the teacher and avoid giving them a set of 30 pens or 30 mugs! If you don't want to join in, don't, it's not a tax.

That woman sounds awful, I would put my foot down next time. If you have a social group for the class, I would also call her up on there.

For this teacher, I would get a card and some flower to give on the last day myself.

Stay away from class collections in future is my advice, its impossible for everyone to agree how they should be done. You've said you've got flowers and chocs anyway so there isn't really an issue is there?

Forget the class collection. Just write the teacher a letter (hand write it) and ask your DD to make her a thank you card and give it to her on Tuesday. It will be more meaningful. Trust me.

I think it’s dreadful to have given the teacher an envelope of money. If things had changed for the mother who was arranging and she no longer had the time, she should have asked for help and delegated the task to someone (you?) who had the time to do it properly. The other mother had viewed the task as something that just needs doing, rather than making it a pleasant experience for the children. I’d also be highly embarrassed (I think that’s the emotion I would feel) if I was the teacher, as getting a gift from the children should be more about the children saying thank you than getting an envelope thrust at me by a parent at the beginning of a busy day.

a social group for the class?! christ, I'm glad there is none of this twattery at my children's school!!

a social group for the class?!
sorry, I forgot a word, I meant social media group, facebook or whatsapp.

Screw the class collection. I teach FE so thankfully don’t have to deal with this but have two cousins who teach primary so hear it all from them. They don’t actually want gifts and they definitely do not want money. A card is the best thing they receive as it shows gratitude and they know it hasn’t cost the family much. The rest either clutters up their homes or they have to give them away to other relatives/friends (I.e the boxes of chocolate- one cousin is a fitness fanatic so won’t touch it). They actually feel embarrassed accepting gifts.

Buy a thank you card and a bunch of flowers.

You feel upset because it was rude and weird. I'd explain to the teacher what happened so she is aware as I bet the woman doesn't even put all the money in it or let her know where the gift came from . At best she is trying to make a point because she didn't approve of your gift.

Still not everyone likes flowers or chocs, gift card is probably more useful, even for a place where the teacher can get school supplies as they often spend their own money.

The class collection was poorly managed.

Don't fret. Apparently, our class rep forgot (as always- I never get emails from her) to add me to her "Hey, we're doing a collection" email. I happened to be added to the very last email sent out- the only email I've gotten since Christmas. But the collection ship had sailed, so I just said, "Sorry. Didn't know about the collection. We'll do our own gift this year but how kind of you to organise."

Do your own thing, OP. Bottle of wine, or a nice bath bar or set, perhaps a box of chocolates... whatever you think might be nice. It doesn't have to be pricey. Above all, a nice card will be very much appreciated. All you need is the card, really! Words from the heart mean everything. DH is a GP. Cards from his patients thrill him way more than the gifts. He hangs onto the cards and treasures them yet can't remember who the cuff link sets are from.

Reading back the way that mum handled the class collection... oy veh the poor teacher, standing there while this mother stuffs cash into an envelope from some dad, late to the scene. Not much of a thank you, tbh. It's how you show gratitude that counts, not the coins and notes shaking around the envelope. How tacky she was! And how tacky of that dad too!

Step away from it all and do your own low-key thing. A look in the eye with a heartfelt thank you and a hug is so much more meaningful!

That does sound a bit crap OP, why did she offer to do it I wonder?

I'm someone else who doesn't get the hate for class collections. I am helping do one this year for my son's class... any contribution welcome (no matter the size), the card will say "from year 4", so no problem if someone can't afford anything. And it means the teacher will get a voucher or something rather than 30 cups.

As for declaring it... that will totally depend on the LA / Academy chain rules. Ours says if a gift is worth more than £15 per giver then it needs to be declared. So has pre-empted class collections and in our case definitely won't have to be. And there are no personal tax implications on the teacher either.

I wouldn't get too upset about it, on a personal level, at least.

Yes, it's maybe been presented a little bit literally in cash just being shoved in a card, but you don't know what's going on in her life, like you say, she mentioned her Dad is unwell, but you don't know how unwell he is, perhaps it was too overwhelming to organise anything else, or she was stumped, or just couldn't be bothered, some people are good at offering to do things, but not good at asking for help - so I'm sure she really appreciated your message asking her if you can help with anything.

I can totally relate to your frustration though, it's not been executed as you had hoped, or would have done yourself, and she has unwittingly left parents out of the collection, the thing with collections is, whichever way they're done, you won't please all of the people all of the time.

I'd do as some others have suggested above, a nice wee thank you card, a little homemade card or picture from DS, and the Teacher will be delighted.

Try not to get too upset over it.

A handmade card yes if kids want to, anything else is just plain tacky just something else for parents to compete about.

I'm a teacher who's very short of cash and would much rather cash than a present! In all seriousness the most precious present for any teacher is a handwritten heartfelt note. Presents are forgotten but all teachers treasure notes and cards for years to come and they help us through the bad days. Try and move on from this and write a lovely card.

Okay Mrs but that's not very helpful as this has already happened. Looking for advice on why I feel so upset.

you probably feel upset as it wasn't done the way you like which is a problem with being in control, maybe you have esteem issues with not being the class goody too shoes that does unnecessary group collections, perhaps you feel redundant because someone else what you perceive as "your job" or perhaps because you never had the opportunity to receive gratitude from the teacher for organising the collection.

we don't know which are the reason(s), as we don't know you, but honestly its a end of year monetary gift from parents rather than from the children which is completely unnecessary and you are blowing out of proportion.