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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset about the way the teacher's end of term present was given to her this morning!

68 replies

Lemonsmakelemonade · 18/07/2018 12:24

My daughter has really thrived at school this year thanks the tough love and nurturing (with some strictness thrown in ) of her class teacher.
I normally volunteer to do the class collection with a couple of other mums but this year are children were in different classes. So another mum, who actually got offended when I did the class collection at Christmas volunteers to do the end of term one, she offered at least a month ago so quite early. Was pleased because I didn't want to be the default parent. Anyway this morning (term does not end until next Tuesday) I was dropped my daughter off and this mum comes up behind me, almost shoves me out the way and gives the teacher a card. Doesn't say what it is, goes on about it 'having to be done today because her (mum's) dad is ill'. As she's walking away a dad runs up to her says 'I hear you're doing the class collection here's some money'. This mum then goes up the teacher asks for the card back. Now the card - first of all it was small card - doubt all the children's names are in it.... I ask the mum as we are going out of the playground 'was that the class collection'. Apparently it was. No flowers or chocolates or even letting the kids give it to the teacher and the TA. I am still seething about this, I'm not some 'virtue signaller' I am someone who really really enjoys doing this for the teachers at the school. I know it's their job but dealing with children is a skill and a vocation.. Now I've messaged the mum and asked if she needs any help (having heard her talk about her dad). This mum will do all the collections but apparently does just shove cash in an envelope and give it to the teacher; just that my children haven't been in her class. I think I might just buy some flowers and chocolates anyway for next week... Why I am so upset about this? Not like I can do anything..

OP posts:

FatCow2018 · 18/07/2018 13:11

Oh i know you meant a messaging group, and I just don't get it. Who would want to be a teacher these days when parents are so over-invested in school!!

habibihabibi · 18/07/2018 13:17

Thankfully our school has done away with class mums as it's it turned into an over invested parent circus.
I'd love to see an end to the collective gifts giving as well.
It's such nonsense.
Do you set up a whatsapp with fellow patients and get your GP a gift ?
Do you own thing or don't.

SugarIsAmazing · 18/07/2018 13:18

When I was a student in a school loads of the presents got put in the staff room and the teachers used to take some home (wasn't always the present designated for them) or put the bits away for raffle prizes.
I was even asked if I wanted to take a few bits as there was loads.

ChadwithaK · 18/07/2018 13:21

hate class collections with a passion, esp when they have a "suggested" amount attached.

When mine were small and i was recently a single parent I didn't have anything to spare and they made the card for the teacher and that was it.

When I say I didn't have anything to spare I literally mean not a pound left much less a fiver.

Step back and be less involved it seems to upset you a lot.

NoCureForLove · 18/07/2018 13:24

You are so upset because you would do things very differently. If someone else does the job you don't get to control how they do it. If you now start up with the fliwers and chocs she will feel very criticised and it won't end well. It's not a competitive sport and you sound very bossy and judgmental (under a guise of sympathy and concern).

Katri0na · 18/07/2018 13:24

Oh i know you meant a messaging group, and I just don't get it. Who would want to be a teacher these days when parents are so over-invested in school!!

what a stupid comment! I bet the teachers are grateful for parents using the group to ask questions instead of bothering them directly, when it's about confirming the time of an assembly, the date of parent-teachers evenings, the dress code for sports day and any other things parents chat about.
Without the group, kids would have missed on birthday parties invit because some invitations disappeared somewhere.

Your kids spend a big chunk of their day at school, it's not a childcare place, it's a shame some parents are not more involved but are too lazy and leave everything for others to deal with.

BlancheM · 18/07/2018 13:25

I feel sorry for the teachers atm who find themselves in these embarrassing situations. It must be quite sweet to receive a handmade card or small gift from a grateful child, but I can't think of anything worse than be be dragged into playground politics or be inundated with gifts because people feel forced.
I'm sending DD in with a box of sweets or chocolates for the staff room/class. I don't even know all the teachers' names currently involved in her classroom!

Katri0na · 18/07/2018 13:26

NoCureForLove
sorry but if I give some money to buy a little thank you gift to the teacher, I wouldn't be impressed if someone was throwing some cash at them, how rude is that.

If the other woman feels criticised, then she should have put a bit more effort, ask for help and suggestion and she can stay away next year if she can't be bothered.

Katri0na · 18/07/2018 13:27

It works out so much cheaper for the parents to contribute a bit of cash than having to buy a "thoughtful" thank you gift. Again, it's not mandatory, but I am sure teachers prefer to have a choice of things to buy than being presented by some random home-made stuff or yet another mug.

Xtrah0urzz · 18/07/2018 13:27

Presents for teachers is a modern idea, it never happened when I was at school at any level of education. It is their job to teach

BlancheM · 18/07/2018 13:28

Actually, if there's no present to show for it, it looks like she's pocketed some of the cash.

NoCureForLove · 18/07/2018 13:29

What would you being 'Impressed' or not have to do with it??

chillpizza · 18/07/2018 13:30

I hate class collections. I let my children decide if they want to give a gift and card or nothing at all. That way it’s from the child not just a we must say thank you so here’s a fiver for a gift voucher. Over the years my children have given randomly why they feel their teacher would like, be that a book for the class relating to the class name, small potted plants and seeds to the eco teacher to imported sweeties. They write their own cards so it’s their own words and scruffy handwriting.

I don’t understand why people think even if teachers wants cards that they just want a card written by an adult listing names, personally I would find it very impersonal and it wouldn’t be something to remember my pupils by.

NoCureForLove · 18/07/2018 13:31

Mu God. So she's a thoughtless, unimpressive, disorganised thief now. Bloody hell - bet she's glad she offered now.

VulvaOfSteel · 18/07/2018 13:32

Who would want to be a teacher these days when parents are so over-invested in school!!

Schools in a lot of areas are considering dropping to 4 day week because they can't afford to stay open. They completely rely on parents to keep the place ticking.

BrokenWing · 18/07/2018 13:35

Actually, if there's no present to show for it, it looks like she's pocketed some of the cash.

Bit of an over the top accusation there when you don't know anyone involved!

ShatnersBassoon · 18/07/2018 13:35

She's dealing with an unexpected and stressful event in her life, so give her a break. The woman probably had every intention of getting a present with the cash, but has anticipated this isn't going to be possible so came up with the quickest solution available to her.

I'm sure the other parents will understand and won't be too bothered.

BlancheM · 18/07/2018 13:37

Broken I said that's what it looks like. Because it does. The idea behind a collection is to use the money for a bunch of flowers or other mutually agreed gift- not to literally hand it over in a hastily sealed envelope at the beginning of lesson.
It's not an accusation as like you say, we don't know the people involved!

dueanotherchange · 18/07/2018 13:40

Who would want to be a teacher these days when parents are so over-invested in school!!

Our school had a family evening this week, and my daughter's teacher thanked me for the help I'd given in the classroom this year so that she could actually teach the children rather than having to do tasks that unqualified people could do. I wasn't the only one helping by any means.

Our school, that's constantly being hit by financial cuts, needs the odd "over-invested" parent.

The smugness of people on MN when it comes to parents who actually want to be usefully involved in their childrens' school is ridiculous.

OP, that class collection was incredibly poorly handled. Our teachers got a folder with a thank you note from each child (which drew tears and was hugely appreciated) a small personalised gift that won't clutter up their homes, and a bunch of flowers (we checked when they were going on holiday). Worked very nicely, no was obliged to contribute, and not everyone did.

Katri0na · 18/07/2018 13:43

Presents for teachers is a modern idea, it never happened when I was at school at any level of education. It is their job to teach

Not true, at least primary school teachers routinely got Christmas and end of year gifts in early 1900. Many teachers go way beyond their job, and since when is it wrong to say thank you. Most jobs do it.

Katri0na · 18/07/2018 13:46

The smugness of people on MN when it comes to parents who actually want to be usefully involved in their childrens' school is ridiculous.

I agree, but these smug and lazy parents never refuse for their children to go on trips, to benefit from help for homework or reading, to benefit from the new equipment, or visits organised by parents helpers.
It's easier to criticize than getting out of their sofa.

JJS888 · 18/07/2018 13:49

It's not about what the child or the school needs. This is all about what the mum needs in order to feel valid, in place of a job or rewarding occupation.

Katri0na · 18/07/2018 13:50

This is all about what the mum needs in order to feel valid, in place of a job or rewarding occupation.

some posters are just trying to wind up and start a fight.. hahaha nice try.

JJS888 · 18/07/2018 13:51

The same mums spend the eentire year challenging and slagging off said class teacher and them weep over not being credited with the gift.

ChadwithaK · 18/07/2018 13:51

I volunteered my time. I did activities after school (cooking club which I coordinated and ran with a teacher), I sat on the fucking PTA and I went on trips. I bust my balls to help with homework and reading. I just had no fucking money at all because I'd fled with the fucking clothes on my back and pennies in my purse.

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