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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be concerned about school mum and my kids

164 replies

upsideup · 17/07/2018 12:23

I'm pregnant and my DH is away so I'm not sure if I'm being excessively paranoid and overprotective of my kids or if I should be thinking this mum is a possible danger to them.

She has two kids in the same primary as mine, one of hers does gymnastics with DS, I've never really spoken to her before and our kids have never been close but a couple of weeks ago she started making a real effort with me and my kids, she seemed really nice at first but quite full on. Even when we've met without the kids its always about them and mostly mine, she doesn't seem to be interested in talking about herself or about me. Lots of questions about their hobbies, their middle names etc, nothing I had any reason not to answer but just questions that friends who have known my kids forever wouldn't know the answer to or care enough to ask.

Then last week she tried to take our kids home from school, no one asked her to do and DD1 was stood just round the corner with our dog to pick them up, her excuse was that she couldn't see us anywhere and didn't want them to be left on their own and that she hoped we would do the same if it was her kids. I let it go and hoped that she was just trying to be nice and that she wouldn't actually have taken them without talking to the school or ringing us but it made me really uncomfortable, our kids don't get on that well and we don't either so I just stopped making any effort with her.

She hasn't stopped though, on sports day she was cheering my kids on more than I was (well I wasn't at all, I was just watching). DD2 asked me to come with her to the toilet, she jumped in and said mum can stay here and I'll take you, weird but maybe she was trying to be helpful, needed to go anyway and didn't want me to have to get up. DD did well in a competition she was at last week which DH posted about on his private instagram and she stole the photos and videos with DH's caption on and did her own public post on facebook about how proud she is of her friends dd, it took about a day of me asking for her to delete it untill she finally did and then she started saying how I should be more proud and dd deserves better.

Today dd1(22) took the kids to school and shes sent me a really long and dramatic message about how she doesnt like the way she acts around the kids (her half siblings), theres been lots of little comments over the last few weeks suggesting that she doesnt like DD1 but today saying she acts like their mum and that even though she doesnt like me anymore, she thinks its disrespectful and that I have a right to know and shes happy to pick them up or start taking them to school if I can't. Shes also saying how she loves my kids and would hate to lose her relationship with them because of our relationship, they dont have a relationship with her.

I know I can prevent her being near them over the summer but but next year she will be at school every morning and evening as well as at every school events, she will be at DS's gymnastics club every week and I'm really scared
So, AIBU to be concerned by all this? I'm really considering talking to the school and the gym and asking that she be kept away from them but that seems so over the top, reading through all the things shes done they do seem weird but also on there own to some one else they could just seem like shes trying to be nice.

OP posts:
ichifanny · 17/07/2018 20:26

I had a similar problem with a neighbor who had a child in my child’s class , my daughter was young at the time and crying in the school line and she was stepping in and winding her up , she was inappropriate in lots of ways that really pushed boundaries and eventually the teacher called me in to discuss her interfering and undermining me . I had to go full on angry and tell her to back off before she actually did .

ichifanny · 17/07/2018 20:27

She ignores me at the school now it’s bliss .

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 17/07/2018 20:48

Sounds very platonic bunnyboiler to me.

Just don't engage with her further. Inform school and gym anyway - she's the type to come up with vindictive stuff about you at least with warning they can be prepared.

She sounds like she's either incredibly socially inappropriate or has some weird co-dependency with friendships. Either way it's not your problem.

MUjunkie · 18/07/2018 01:53

You need to be BLUNT! You sound far too lovely OP but this isn't the time to be nice...She's weird and you need to put your foot down! Not normal behaviour!

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 18/07/2018 02:59

Oh wow, she sounds crazy,

Please warn the gym and the school about her, tell them everything right down to her trying to take your kids home without your permission and posting your daughter's video on her Facebook page...tell them never to let your kids go with her no matter what she says,....then sit down and have a talk with your kids, tell them no matter what she says ,even if she says you sent her to collect them they are never to go with her

She is showing an unhealthy amount of interest in your kids

Reading it several thoughts flashed theough my mind

  1. she is one of those people who admires you to the point they stalk you

  2. she has bad social skills and doesn't realise she is crossing so many boundaries and raising red flags left right and centre

  3. she is showing other woman and she is trying to integrate herself into the kids life (to make them like her)

  4. she is a secret sister or relative you didn't know you had

  5. she has bad intentions towards your kids

Does she show this much interest in anybody elses kids?

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 18/07/2018 03:00

*she is dh other woman...not showing other woman... autocorrect

flumpybear · 18/07/2018 03:06

All sounds very odd - definitely talk to all adults concerned and make sure DD1 picks up on time and doesn't engage in conversation

whathappenedtomyusername · 18/07/2018 03:08

You need to be very very blunt with her, she is to stay away from your children. I would also tell her to stop contacting you. Absolutely tell the school and don't down play it at all. If she continues to contact you then you need to inform the police.
I agree that if this was a man it would treated way more seriously.

Monty27 · 18/07/2018 03:22

Can you get a police check on her? You just never know believe me. I am not scaremongering.
School should absolutely never release your DC's to anyone apart from named parties.
And their older siblings shouldn't be standing around corners they should be in the playground to collect. No offence to them. But it is a responsible role. Particularly at this time. I wouldn't let this person anywhere near mine.
Believe me I have reason to advise you to take the utmost caution.
Don't take your eyes off them and bar her from your lives.
She sounds dangerous.

Monty27 · 18/07/2018 03:26

Sorry about the lack of paragraphs. I tried to edit but had already posted.
And yes, if it were a man it would be different.
Sadly some women are, well, not normal either as such.

mathanxiety · 18/07/2018 03:31

Sounds really sinister, and how would she have known of the Instagram pictures if not by stalking you and DH online?

You should send her a registered, return receipt requested letter telling her never to talk to or have any other contact (physical, online) with you or your children ever again.

Be Blunty McBluntface, blunter than you have ever been in your life. Do not beat around the bush. No niceties. Just 'This is to instruct you never to X, Y, Z'. And no cheerful or friendly salutation either, just her name at the top and yours and DH's at the bottom.

And everything that BlankTimes said about recording every interaction, and taking it to the police.

Aebj · 18/07/2018 03:34

Do you and the kids have a password? My boys know that if someone else is going to pick them up unexpectedly then that person will know the password. No password they stay at school ( or in a safe place until they have contacted me or hubby)

Tinkobell · 18/07/2018 07:22

Ask yourself what's the worst that can happen OP.....?
So if you do nothing......worst that could happen is that she might abduct or harm one of your children. Horrendous and unthinkable.
If you write the nasty stay away letter and send a copy to the police, worst that can happen is you bruise her feelings and stop a potential predator in her tracks. Big deal.
Act!

ZoeWashburne · 18/07/2018 07:37

Be blunt, firm and explicit:
“Jane, after several actions over the past few months, I have found you to cross several boundaries that are not acceptable to me or my husband. Several social norms have been violated making us incredibly uncomfortable. Therefore we feel we need to be clear: you do not have our permission to take my children anywhere and the school/gym has been informed of this. Please Do not comment on memebers of my family to me or anyone else. And please do not post anything about them or me on social media. My children and I are not interested in continuing this relationship.

BrownTurkey · 18/07/2018 07:47

Tighten up pick up arrangements. Tell school and gym today ‘that she has an interest in your children that is making you uncomfortable and on one occasion has attempted to take them home without your permission’. Remember, school may know things you don’t.

Anyone who has your children over the summer will need to know on a just in case basis.

icelollycraving · 18/07/2018 07:48

I’d be sending her a chilly message. Something along the lines of the school having a list of people approved to collect your children. She is not on it as they have no relationship with her in any way and you as a family are not interested in having one.
Good luck!

icelollycraving · 18/07/2018 07:49

Oh and definitely tell School and gymnastics club that she is under no circumstances to collect them.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 18/07/2018 08:06

She sounds obsessive. Definitely inform the school and gym. She can’t be allowed near your children under any circumstances. I would also diarise any contact from her, if it becomes a police matter you may need this.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 18/07/2018 08:12

Initially I did t think anything of picking up your kids as my friends and I do the same. But there’s too many worrying things. I wonder if she’s just very lonely or an maybe obsessive type?

TypicallyNorthern · 18/07/2018 08:19

When I first read this I thought maybe she looks at your family (I older DC, other DC, husband around and a baby on the way) and she has taken an unhealthy interest in what she sees as a nice set up. After observing she has started to imagine or misunderstand things she has seen and has started to get upset at the burst bubble and thinks she can do a better job. All a bit "The Hand that Rocks the Cradle". This is just my thoughts.

OP, honestly you need to stop being so nice or this is going to escalate. As a woman our default setting is to think that we don't want to cause a fuss. You need to.

Previous threads on here have had people in the know who have gone to the police eventually and been told that they cannot do anything about it unless you have clearly asked that person not to. You need to send her a message saying she is not to pick up your DC under any circumstances.

Bowerbird5 · 18/07/2018 08:34

I have only read first page and skimmed this one.

I work in a school please ,please flag this up to the class's teacher and the Headteacher. They may know about previous occasions with another parent.
I would also inform gym in writing.

It is strange behaviour. We would want to know at our school.

crochetmonkey74 · 18/07/2018 08:56

Don't worry about being paranoid- inform gym and school that under no circumstances is she to pick up etc- really reinforce this with kids too. Your instinct is there for a reason

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 18/07/2018 09:06

OP, text back "Stay away from my children ".
That is all.

Wetwashing00 · 18/07/2018 09:18

Weird behaviour, just be blunt with her.

crochetmonkey74 · 18/07/2018 09:18

Don't engage with her with a letter etc as sometimes stalkers and the like enjoy any contact - I would stop replying to texts as soon as possible, or a simple 'no thanks' if she offers help/ picking up etc. Broken record 'no thanks' and nothing else until she gets bored. Any texts like 'Have I upset you' just don't reply to. And make sure you are vigilant and on time to pick ups for a while.Thank God the hols are imminent!