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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be concerned about school mum and my kids

164 replies

upsideup · 17/07/2018 12:23

I'm pregnant and my DH is away so I'm not sure if I'm being excessively paranoid and overprotective of my kids or if I should be thinking this mum is a possible danger to them.

She has two kids in the same primary as mine, one of hers does gymnastics with DS, I've never really spoken to her before and our kids have never been close but a couple of weeks ago she started making a real effort with me and my kids, she seemed really nice at first but quite full on. Even when we've met without the kids its always about them and mostly mine, she doesn't seem to be interested in talking about herself or about me. Lots of questions about their hobbies, their middle names etc, nothing I had any reason not to answer but just questions that friends who have known my kids forever wouldn't know the answer to or care enough to ask.

Then last week she tried to take our kids home from school, no one asked her to do and DD1 was stood just round the corner with our dog to pick them up, her excuse was that she couldn't see us anywhere and didn't want them to be left on their own and that she hoped we would do the same if it was her kids. I let it go and hoped that she was just trying to be nice and that she wouldn't actually have taken them without talking to the school or ringing us but it made me really uncomfortable, our kids don't get on that well and we don't either so I just stopped making any effort with her.

She hasn't stopped though, on sports day she was cheering my kids on more than I was (well I wasn't at all, I was just watching). DD2 asked me to come with her to the toilet, she jumped in and said mum can stay here and I'll take you, weird but maybe she was trying to be helpful, needed to go anyway and didn't want me to have to get up. DD did well in a competition she was at last week which DH posted about on his private instagram and she stole the photos and videos with DH's caption on and did her own public post on facebook about how proud she is of her friends dd, it took about a day of me asking for her to delete it untill she finally did and then she started saying how I should be more proud and dd deserves better.

Today dd1(22) took the kids to school and shes sent me a really long and dramatic message about how she doesnt like the way she acts around the kids (her half siblings), theres been lots of little comments over the last few weeks suggesting that she doesnt like DD1 but today saying she acts like their mum and that even though she doesnt like me anymore, she thinks its disrespectful and that I have a right to know and shes happy to pick them up or start taking them to school if I can't. Shes also saying how she loves my kids and would hate to lose her relationship with them because of our relationship, they dont have a relationship with her.

I know I can prevent her being near them over the summer but but next year she will be at school every morning and evening as well as at every school events, she will be at DS's gymnastics club every week and I'm really scared
So, AIBU to be concerned by all this? I'm really considering talking to the school and the gym and asking that she be kept away from them but that seems so over the top, reading through all the things shes done they do seem weird but also on there own to some one else they could just seem like shes trying to be nice.

OP posts:

Bibesia · 17/07/2018 12:55

Might she be angling to get some free child care out of you? That comment about how she hopes you would pick up her children if she didn't turn up sounds like she might be planning just that. And maybe she resents DD1 coming to collect her siblings because she's less likely to go along with taking her kids as well?

Cagliostro · 17/07/2018 12:56

That’s bizarre. Definitely speak to gym, just a “she is not allowed to pick up my DC even if she tells you I have asked her - I will NEVER ask her”

Birdshitbridgegotme · 17/07/2018 12:57

How does she even have the audacity to tell you she doesn't like you anymore is beyond me! I would tell her she better back off, she's making herself look crazy. Your kids are no concern of hers and talk to the school and gym. What a weirdo

Getoffthetableplease · 17/07/2018 12:57

Oh goodness, that would scare me! Definitely speak to the school. Tighten your privacy settings online and block her number. Are there any other gym classes you could change to? I'd aim for complete avoidance.

Fresta · 17/07/2018 12:58

Either she's strange or she's concerned about your parenting.

CircleofWillis · 17/07/2018 12:58

This all sounds worrying and possibly dangerous if it escalates OP. I would definitely speak to school and gymnastics about her. She is obsessing and appears to be fantasising about your relationships.

CaledonianQueen · 17/07/2018 13:01

How did she manage to see your husbands post? Are they friends? I would be worried that she has looked at your life and decided ‘I want that!’ and set her sights on your husband and your children! I have read similar on here and it has got to the stage where the husband left his wife to move in with the crazy mistress and she gets to live out her bizarre fantasy living this woman’s life, while the poor wife was left with her life being bulldozed!

This is very hand that rocked the cradle for me! I would be discussing her with your dh, ask if he knows her outside of school runs etc.

I would make it very clear that your children are to have nothing to do with her. I would be prepared to move school and gymnastics club etc if it would keep my children away from her craziness!

eddielizzard · 17/07/2018 13:04

From now on I think you have to be very clear that you don't ever want her to take your kids. I would tell the gymnastics club that she's been overstepping boundaries and you never want them to release your kids to her care. You or dd1 will always be there to fetch them. Be blunt and to the point and don't worry about politeness. There can't be any room for misunderstandings.

I would be freaked out too. You're doing the right thing, listening to your instincts.

Seaweed42 · 17/07/2018 13:04

Yes I'd ask too is she friends with your husband? If not, she wants to be. There is some reason she desperately wants your kids to like her.
She has some crazy idea if your kids like her enough, your husband will leave you and go off with her to be one big happy family.
She doesn't give a shit about you.
Why did your husband not ask her to take down the photos? It was his account she took them from?

Seasawride · 17/07/2018 13:04

Jesus YouCanCallMeNancy
how bloody scary.

Op I wouid speak to the school, the after school clubs and of course your kids to warn them
All. How creepy.

Seasawride · 17/07/2018 13:06

And I think I would warn her what you are doing and any nonsense or trying to take your kids will immediately you will involve the police.

PopGoesTheWeaz · 17/07/2018 13:06

It's possible that she started as trying to be nice because your partner is away and you're pregnant, but I do wonder (and I never make this sort of assumption) if she's OW or has an obsession with DH. Why else would she want a relationship with the kids outside of her relationship with you?? very weird.

I echo what others have said about making sure the DC know not to go with her and that school etc are notified. I'd put it in writing, but I'd also make sure to verbally have a discreet word with teachers directly as I know at my school the office isn't always great about passing messages along.

DarkDarkNight · 17/07/2018 13:10

She sounds strange and overly attached to your children.

Maybe you’re being paranoid, but maybe not. I would say it’s worth having a word with School and any Gymnastics and saying only you and your oldest daughter will be doing pickups just so they are aware.

crazychemist · 17/07/2018 13:13

Not normal behaviour at all, sounds like a mental health issue. She sounds obsessed with your family.

Have you asked DH if he knows her? Obsession with family/trying to replace wife can stem from fantasy about the husband (not saying it would be his fault, stalkers can latch on for all sorts of reasons, but worth checking out). If not, he still needs to be warned as he could be the next one she approaches. Tell your children too. My DM used to give us a secret password, we should only go with someone if they knew it.

I think these situations are more creepy than dangerous, but you'll feel so much better if you feel in control. Speak to The school and the gym and get it out in writing that you do not consent for her to collect you children or discuss them with the staff in any way. I bet they have policies already stating this but you'll feel much better, and there'll be forewarned if there ever is an issue.

Contact with her may feed her obsession. I'd avoid her as much as you can, make sure you are in conversation with someone or pretend to be on your phone so she can't start talking to you.

these things happen a lot and only rarely go wrong. Stay calm

ParisNext · 17/07/2018 13:14

Astonishing thread and agree that strange things do happen and you can't be too careful. I'm confused as to the DH connection and what does he say about it.
Is this the new MN Zilla? Schoolzilla! The last one ended up with the police!!

PatriciaHolm · 17/07/2018 13:14

Have to agree with a couple of the others above - my first thought was that maybe she's a little too close to your husband than she should be (or has been, or wants to be...)

bigKiteFlying · 17/07/2018 13:14

Definitely speak to the gym and school and make sure they know she does not have permission to collect your DC or discuss them with the staff.

Do this as soon as possible - just say she is acting very odd claiming a closer realtionship to you all than she has and claiming she will be picking up your children which you don't give permission for.

i suspect she just has poor boundaries but I'd be very clear with the school and gym and try and avoid her in the future.

bobstersmum · 17/07/2018 13:15

She sounds bloody bonkers! I personally would have a strong face to face word with her telling her to back right off. And have a word with school too, make them aware that she is never to collect them under any circumstances!

ExFury · 17/07/2018 13:21

Trust your instinct.

Only a very odd person would openly tell a parent “even though I don’t like you anymore” and the expect a relationship with that persons children!

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 17/07/2018 13:22

Ask your DH how she accessed his private Instagram. That might open a whole new can of worms...

BowiesJumper · 17/07/2018 13:22

Firstly, block her from instagram and facebook. Why has she got access to your husband's private account if none of you are close?

SugarIsAmazing · 17/07/2018 13:26

She's batshit

I wonder if your children look similar to a child she loved who died?

Or something like previous posters have said and she wants your hubby?

BatShitBuns · 17/07/2018 13:28

OMG she's batshit! I would be texting her and telling her in no uncertain terms that she's not to speak to my kids without my permission nor pick them up from school under ANY circumstances, and that her behaviour is massively weird and inappropriate.

BatShitBuns · 17/07/2018 13:29

I assume by private instagram the OP simply means it's the DH's personal account, rather than he's set it to private.

Seasawride · 17/07/2018 13:29

crazyChemist

I like your secret word that’s a great idea

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