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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think ex’s new girlfriend is a cheeky fucker?

128 replies

CandiedPeach · 15/07/2018 20:29

Posting to vent more than anything because I don’t want to say anything to my ex about it.

Ex has a new gf (although not sure he’s technically calling her a gf). He’s been seeing her about 6 weeks though and she’s been out with his friends a few times, some of his friends I’m also very good friends with.

So I’ve been told by two mutual friends who I do trust. That the new gf has made some comments around how much maintenance ex pays me. Along the lines of ‘can you believe he pays her xxx amount, make no wonder she can go on holiday all the time’ type of stuff. Not in front of ex, but on both occasions she’s been out with his friends she’s brought this topic up and made a few comments in regards to it.
On the first occasion one of his friends even said to her, you do realise we’re still friends with candied too, don’t you! She then apparently said, oh it’s not a dig at her or anything. But she still made more comments.

I’m furious, not at her knowing what he pays or even telling people that. That’s his business I guess. But discussing how I spend my money and to my friends. That’s fucking cheeky, isn’t it?

OP posts:
NoFucksImAQueen · 16/07/2018 20:16

what did you say to him when he told you all that? I was under the impression maintance isn't even taken into account with tax credits so how would him reducing it increase your tax credits?

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 16/07/2018 20:21

No it isn’t NoFucks but apparently she’s said to him that I’ll be getting at least xxx amount in benefits on top of what he currently gives and my own wages. So he’s thought, that is quite a lot.
Only I don’t get anything from tax credits or anything else, I only get child benefit.

I told him that and he said if I show him everything I get and what I pay out, he’ll see what he can do! My reply to that was ‘fuck off’.

OP posts:
Doingreat · 16/07/2018 20:21

Half.... wow. Some men are so so stupid.

She's showing all signs of being a controlling cow and this is just the start of it.... I would say something along the lines of "she's already started bending you to her will has she? I thought you were a fairer and more decent person than that. Say goodbye to your freedom buddy."

So sorry OP.

NoFucksImAQueen · 16/07/2018 20:25

wow what a weak willed little cockroach, I don't blame you for being disappointed and fucking livid at him the twat. also who the actual fuck she does she think she is the shit stirring cow!

twiglet · 16/07/2018 20:26

He's clearly just jumping to her tune.
Speak to him next time and explain whatever she gets credit wise is based on her own situation and not yours. Again reiterate that your surprised and disappointed that someone in such a short time period could manipulate his commitment to his daughter. But its his life your just disappointed that his words about his daughter coming first were clearly hollow.
Don't shout about it just in a calm way which makes him think.....

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 16/07/2018 20:26

I’ve always planned and budgeted based on what I earn/have and not what he gives me anyway. So I’m not worried, it will mean less treats and cutting back on non essentials, but we won’t be homeless or anything and dd will have everything she needs.

But I’m fuming and I won’t fucking lie for him. I’ll happily tell OUR friends how much he contributes for his dd. While he’s booking three holidays abroad in two months and all dd gets with him is a long weekend in a mates caravan.

OP posts:
Strawbroke · 16/07/2018 20:31

OMG. You are doing really well to keep calm because I would be fucking livid with them both.

Who does she think she is getting involved with how much he's financially supporting his child? Your DD and their relationship is NOTHING to do with her. I don't get maintenance from my ex but if I did and a new gf tried to have this much input into his parenting I would be questioning his capacity. A good parent would not let anyone or anything shake their commitment to their child. And her kicking off for buying her some trainers? I'm furious on your DD's behalf! She sounds so dumb if she thinks everyone's situation is the same as hers!

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 16/07/2018 20:38

Oh I’m definitely having to channel my inner calm Strawbroke. I just remind myself that what ever I say or do will just be read as the bitter ex being a bitch.
But it’s fucking hard, especially when I’ve got texts on my phone from him last weekend asking if he can come round to ‘talk’ at 2am 😂 (and the texts most definitely don’t read like he really wanted to talk)

OP posts:
Original poster
CandiedPeach · 16/07/2018 20:49

And one of the holidays he's booked, is to take her and her child away. He's been seeing her 6 weeks and she's going on holiday with him with her dc! I was just what the fuck. His response 'well you wouldn't want me to take dd when we've not been seeing each other long, would you?'

OP posts:
HoneyBadgerApparently · 16/07/2018 20:57

I am so angry for you! Go to the CSA tomorrow. What a scumbag!!

HoneyBadgerApparently · 16/07/2018 20:57

I imagine this woman will be pregnant in 5 minutes Confused

eurochick · 16/07/2018 21:01

I bet this has stemmed from a conversation based on holiday finances. I.e. she thinks he should be spending more or he has asked her to sort spending money or something. He's pled poverty, blaming you, leading to her badmouthing you and him trying to drop his payment.

1CantPickAName · 16/07/2018 21:08

You are doing the right thing in being calm, if he’s as decent as you think he will soon see through her.
Things do change when a new gf comes into the picture,not for the better in this case.
Of course it’s none of her business if he wants to buy his dd anything and it says a lot that he’s listening to her!
For the sake of your dd you’re better off playing the long game, it’s fantastic that you’re on a position that you don’t need the maintenance to pay bills and pay rent. When the money comes up again give him a list of all the outgoings for your dd, include everything from the cost to feed and house her (rent, Council tax) to school dinners, uniform, after school clubs and Childcare. Also any activities she does, dance or whatever. Men, in my experience, don’t take everything into account when it comes to the real cost of raising a child.

Unfortunately, as he is self employed it does make chasing for maintenance harder, and it will sour your relationship with him if you are forced to go down that route. But ultimately your dd has two parents and deserve to have both of you support her in every aspect of her life. If he wants to cut his maintenance payments, would he pay direct for her activities/hobbies.

1CantPickAName · 16/07/2018 21:10

@HoneyBadgerAparently ....can see that one coming

WhiteFreesias · 16/07/2018 21:23

What kind of parent thinks the state should pay for their child? Benefits are not there to supplement self employed parents that don't want to declare their earnings and pay tax.

What a twat. You're well rid.

GardenRoseAutumn · 16/07/2018 21:34

That is cheeky, don't tell your ex anything you wouldn't want her to know, you know he's gonna tell her everything right?

BerylStreep · 16/07/2018 21:51

She's been seeing him for 6 weeks? This is very fucking cheeky, but he is allowing her to manipulate him.

Reminds me of my father's OW. She had 6 children of her own, and incessantly dropped poison in his ear so that he ended up abandoning any semblance of support for his own 5 DC for her and her brood. He was self employed too, so was able to hide his income and assets.

fuzzywuzzy · 16/07/2018 21:57

I’d tell tax credits new girlfriends name and that she is being financially supported by your ex.

Should make life interesting for her whilst tax credits investigate her.

I’d do it because she deserves it and if she is claiming as much tax credits as your ex thinks you are then she is putting in a fraudulent claim and deserves being slapped with a massive fine.

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 17/07/2018 07:58

I won’t do that 1Cant because I don’t think he should even ask or question what I spend on dd. If he’s concerned about her care he can bring it up with me or take me to court if he feels he’d do a better job. But I won’t justify what I do or don’t spend on her.
She’s only a toddler so no clubs or anything, he knows how much childcare is though, but his gf says I’ll get that paid for!

Shows the difference in men though. I’m seeing someone and he knew something was bothering me on the phone last night and I so I told him. Straight away, he asked if I was going to be ok for money and even said I do stay a few nights so I’ll give you something towards your bills. He comes over when dd is sleeping and goes before she wakes and he cooks so he brings our evening meal with him. Basically he has a shower and maybe a bit of toast in the morning. No he doesn’t buy my child designer trainers or pay for fancy holidays. But I don’t doubt if I needed him he’d be there for me.

OP posts:
IamReginaFalange · 17/07/2018 08:11

Sorry to say this but if he’s self employed then it’s pretty much impossible to get CMS out of him

MissSusanSays · 17/07/2018 08:18

I would say stay calm and let this pass. If you rise to it now then it will drive a wedge in your previously calm relationship.

Let me him see your financials, if only to prove what she is saying wrong. Provide a breakdown of what it costs you to keep DD.

I know this sounds undignified but you need to go at this logically because she is going at it emotionally. He is obviously thinking with his dick right now and you need to keep everything as normal as possible for your DD. I know this doesn’t seem fair but you’re obviously the only adult in the room at the moment.

It might take a while but the lust and newness will wear off (might be a couple of years) and he’ll come to his senses a bit. Until then, just be the reasonable one, otherwise she’ll mess with your perfectly working dynamic. It is bugger all business of hers what you get in maintenance. She has a father for her kids that should be providing. If she’s looking for more money then she needs to talk to her own ex.

BerylStreep · 17/07/2018 09:22

I know it's just words, but it might also be worth ensuring you don't you phrases such as how much 'he is paying you'. He's not paying you, he's contributing to your daughter's expenses.

Presumably you aren't able to work full time due to being the primary carer?

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 17/07/2018 12:28

No I just can’t/won’t do that MissSusan unless he sends me his bank statements, so I can see exactly what he earns and spends.

I know I wouldn’t get much through CMS, so want to avoid that. He won’t want people thinking he doesn’t pay though so I don’t think he’ll try get out if it completely. He does also buy quite a lot of clothes and things for dd.

He messaged today to ask if everything was ok between us and I just replied no not really.

OP posts:
twiglet · 17/07/2018 14:36

If he sends texts like that it's probably because he is now questioning the conversation. You may have a good opportunity to explain to him in person that you find it disappointing that he believes someone he just met rather than what has been agreed between you both as her parents and it has nothing to do with his new gf. You would be happy to have discussed it but it seems to be entirely 3rd party interference that has brought this about. Explain that you will manage but that her opinions on what she receives is not correct and thought that he would have more sense given you have both known each other for x number of years in any of that time you have never done anything which isn't in the interest of your daughter.

SandyY2K · 17/07/2018 15:03

I'd let your Ex know what she's been saying... and see if he's been complaining because you don't know why she'd bring it up in this manner.