To ask his mum to stay at the party?

[heywhatsgoingon]

Have name changed. My 6 year old son wants a full class party for his 7th birthday in August. The class are really nice and all get on well ... aside from one child. I don't know if he is on the spectrum or not but what I do know is that every day he is physically abusive to the other kids - but mainly the girls. He has only punched my son once but some of the other kids have had continuous physical abuse from him on a regular basis. My son doesn't want to invite him to the party at all - which is if course an option - however I would feel bad not inviting one child - and before anyone says anything I am not going to have a scaled down party just because one child doesn't behave - that's not fair on my son or the other kids. However I don't want to carry the responsibility of watching him as I will have 30 other kids to watch over. I also don't know how to deal with the child if he starts behaving like this. AIBU to say to his mother that I need her to fart to ensure there are not incidents?

It's such a stressful life having a DC with SN. My DD1 (9) has violent meltdowns at home and has a lot of difficulty socially at school. She hasn't been invited to a school friend's party in over 2 years, only our NDNs' DD's party, where her very popular little sister (6) was also invited.

If some of us are responding too strongly to you, it's because it's heartbreaking when you have a DC with SN who is excluded socially and is never invited to parties.

I think the problem here is that the op seems to think that autism and Sen mean the same thing.

heywhatsgoingon I was actually referring to the parents who wouldn't invite the autistic boy. DD's friend is lovely. The worst thing he does is take other children's shoes. 😂

So Lizzie why are you responding so strongly to someone who wants to invite that child? You could help advise on how to approach the mother yet instead pp berate me for trying - and pork thanks for speaking for me - you obviously know me so well. I got a lot of flack for saying he may have autism rather than SEN so when I use SEN I get told I think that's the same as autism! Genuinely if I had to speak to the mother directly I wouldn't do it after this. Luckily I can approach the childminder first and hopefully the mother is a bit more sympathetic to the fact I am trying to include their difficult child that never normally gets invited than some of the people on here would be.

Actually I haven't said anything harsh at all myself. I said I would really appreciate it if you approached me about it. I'm just trying to explain why you're likely to get reactions like this from other posters.

You also need to take into account what we're all saying, that SN doesn't necessarily mean a child is 'on the spectrum'.

"hopefully the mother is a bit more sympathetic to the fact I am trying to include their difficult child that never normally gets invited"

I am sure she will be suitably grateful of how generous you are being to her 'difficult' child.

I don't know that the child is disabled I do know that he is physically violent he has hit my child and hits other children in the class in a regular basis. That includes punching, slapping and kicking so yes, I do think perhaps the mother might feel grateful that her child has been included

The point is that there are many reasons why children have SN. My DD1 is adopted and has Attachment Disorder as have a lot of adopted children. She did have a head injury when in foster care, and has to wear hearing aids and glasses. DH and I do suspect that there might be ADHD as well, or another issue, and we've been pushing for her to be assessed.

DD2 (they're birth siblings) is NT and the difference is so clear to see between the two of them.

Well later in the thread you said you were being criticised for taking Sen into account when in the op you only mentioned autism. That’s why I thought you may have thought the 2 terms were interchangeable. Because no-one would be criticising anyone for taking Sen into account. They are criticising the assumption that a child who is aggressive must have autism if they have sn.
You seem entirely unwilling to accept that associating aggression with autism specifically rather than the many other additional needs and environmental causes is offensive.
Please don’t speak to the mum or invite the child to this party. You really wouldn’t be doing them a favour.

The race analogy is really not appropriate. People being uncomfortable because a child is mixed race is not the same as people feeling worried that their child will be assaulted (again), by a boy with a propensity for it. Whatever the reason for that may be, their discomfort is not bourne out of discrimination, but a perfectly natural fear of further violence.

Ffs, not wanting to socialise with someone who has PUNCHED you, is not the same as racial prejudices. Seriously, what actually planet are you on.

I can see the analogy if someone didn't want to invite someone because they were disabled, but that's not the issue here, and we don't even know if the child has SN.

Serious question, but if your child was the one who kept being punched, would you continue to support close contact? Even though your child is likely to continue being repeatedly attacked?

Zzzz I am not upset or uncomfortable I am however bemused by your attitude. This has no comparison whatsoever to race. I do not need to ask the mother of a child of a different race to stay to control their child if they flip out. You are seriously on another planet. This child is violent. I do not know how to control him. I could not invite him or I could approach the mother an ask her to stay but I don't think it's reasonable to ask people who don't know this child to ensure he doesn't kick off at the other kids. In your world zzzz the parent of a violent child should expect their kid to be invited regardless and shouldn't be expected to stay to help control them. That's not the real world sorry. You seem to have lost al sense if reality and frankly this is going to be my last response because I just don't see the point in arguing with someone like you.

Oh dear, this isn't going well.

OP, I can see that you are trying to be kind.

As a mum of three NT kids and one ASD kid, who usually throws big class parties, and a teacher, I would like to offer you my unjudgemental thoughts.

I would always invite the whole
class or a select group. Excluding one child only doesn't seem right. DD had this dilemma, we talked it through and so she decided to make her party girls only (the kid she didn't want to invite was a boy). It was 100% her decision, but I could not, in all honesty, allow her to invite everyone in the class, except one kid.

Ask the teacher. She will have insights to social dynamics of the class and might be able to offer guidance on how to manage your apprehension.

Avoid 'armchair diagnosis' or general ASD judgements. Sadly, these days saying someone is on the spectrum seems to be the acceptable go to phrase for describing kids whose behaviour might be a bit off, and it is offensive to those of us who have to deal with this incredibly complicated and complex disability. I agree with PP that referring to SN is much less specific and more appropriate (and I absolutely agree with your point that if you hadn't mentioned SN at all, lots of people would have brought it up).

As the mother of a child who is slightly different, both he and I would be delighted to receive a party invite. DS1 gets about a third of what DD gets invitation wise. Equally, I would have no problem staying to help. As a working mum, it would be a chance to get to know some of the kids!

Good luck. The fact that you posted on here shows that you are thoughtful and kind, and trying to approach this in the best way, with a kind manner. I am sure the party will be a roaring success!

Good post Monkey! Although I'd feel uncomfortable if a parent approached me to discuss the needs of a specific child.

Thank you monkeymummmy and point taken on the SN

Good idea about speaking to the teacher