To ask his mum to stay at the party?

[heywhatsgoingon]

Have name changed. My 6 year old son wants a full class party for his 7th birthday in August. The class are really nice and all get on well ... aside from one child. I don't know if he is on the spectrum or not but what I do know is that every day he is physically abusive to the other kids - but mainly the girls. He has only punched my son once but some of the other kids have had continuous physical abuse from him on a regular basis. My son doesn't want to invite him to the party at all - which is if course an option - however I would feel bad not inviting one child - and before anyone says anything I am not going to have a scaled down party just because one child doesn't behave - that's not fair on my son or the other kids. However I don't want to carry the responsibility of watching him as I will have 30 other kids to watch over. I also don't know how to deal with the child if he starts behaving like this. AIBU to say to his mother that I need her to fart to ensure there are not incidents?

@zzzzz at no point did I say it was unique or inevitable with ASD.

I have 2 children with autism, one is violent one is not. All children are different even if they have the same condition

I do hope that the ones insisting that nobody suggests it might be SEN or autism related when talking about a child with behavioural difficulties because discrimination, actually HAVE a child with autism, but I generally suspect its virtue signalling.

It does seem to be forgotten sometimes, in a drive to make sure people realise that neurodiversity has value etc, that actually it is still ultimately a social difficulty/disability

He feedback has been very interesting so thank you. On the one hand I have people who have children who can have challenging g behaviour and most of which do seem to have SN that appreciate that I am considering this and trying to include him regardless. On the other I get some with the attitude of how dare you mention that the aggressive behaviour could be (not is) related to autism and you obviously don't care about the feelings of autistic people. I am well aware not all autistic children are violent however it is a behaviour that can be exhibited by a child with autism and I feel this is more likely than he is just a naughty boy (in which case I think he would have been excluded by now). I was adamant I was going to invite him because his behaviour is unlikely his fault but honestly the thought of encountering a parent like some of the posters on here have made me reconsider. I will speak to the childminder for advice but a little bit of advice to some of you. Excluding the child would be he easy option and many others would, and have done it . As a pp said sometimes it's not the kids it's the parents - If you as a parent respond to someone trying to do the right thing like some of you have here YOU may end up being the reason your child is not invited as the parents don't dare approach you to even discuss it.

For perspective I had great misgivings about inviting the boy who physically bullied my DS and his best friend (he bounced my DSs head off the table amongst other things) but my DS was the bigger person and after the schools bullying sanctions had finished he said he forgave him and wanted to invite all the boys in his class to his party as it wasn't fair to leave one out.
I was extremely watchful, had to get everyone to calm down a bit at points but it was generally fine. They are now friends. The boy can be a handful but I find if you give him very little leeway he's actually fine. I get the feeling after spending some time with him he doesn't get many boundaries at home.
I have found over the years the kids that act up often have indulgent / disinterested/ distracted parents rather than additional needs (although we do have some friends in this category too)
So if you want to be the bigger person, invite them and ask their parents to stay but also be prepared that the parent may not step in and you will need to . This is really hard to do but sometimes there is no choice.
Or take the easy way and not invite them.
Both are understandable and reasonable choices.

I think that your best bet would be to only invite children to the party that your child is especially close to. Don't invite the child who has been violent because by doing that you'll be telling your child that they have to put up with being hit and that's not right. Maybe limit the party to 10 children max.

@heywhatsgoingon I don’t think you ever intended to invite him, you were just looking for an excuse in the posts here.
Most parents will be protective of their children, especially if they are vulnerable and may have already experienced discrimination, exclusion, isolation, etc. It’s also fucking hard work being an SEN parent. A lot of us under extreme stress (it’s likened by some academics to PTSD). This poor boy’s mum probably is.
You might think some of us come across as difficult. We might do on here. But given some of the attitudes on here it’s hardly surprising we feel the need to vigorously defend our kids.
Some parents literally are at breaking point. Possibly this mum is. But you won’t know, OP, unless you send a text. That would be kind, not blaming posters on here for the fact you clearly don’t want to invite this child.

Bizarre my question wasn't should I invite him to the party it was should i ask the mum to stay. You seem to have a chip on your shoulder and presume that people are always out to get you. If you carry on like that they will be

As a parent of a child with SN and 'challenging' behaviour, I would be more than happy to stay (I would actually prefer to) and really grateful my child wasn't being excluded.

You don’t know me at all. Thanks for judging me based on defending vulnerable children against some posters on here. Some of whom have referred to a child who potentially has disabilities as a little shit.
As it happens, I get on very well with the other parents at my son’s Mainstream school. We have a very open approach. Have done since reception. They will text if they have any questions or concerns, or ask in the playground. My son, even when his behaviour was bad, was never excluded from class parties. I would either ask to stay or the parents would suggest it themselves. The other kids properly love him, and him them. The parents are also uniformly great and are very welcoming of my son. He’s transitioning to secondary school soon and I only hope he has a similar experience there.

Thank you widget - if the mum is like you I will definitely approach her - if she is like some of the posters on here I will definitely not! Will speak to the childminder tomorrow and see what she says

Bizzare you are the one doing the judging and saying I don't want to invite him which is not the case. Many mums on here have conveyed their sadness at their kids being excluded. Glad your son is not and hope that continues however you are clearly in conversations with others about your sons behaviour and they know that you will take responsible action. This lady is not. However if you responded to me trying to include your son in the way you are on here I wouldn't approach you again. Presumably you are slightly nicer in real life

Fine for you to fling shit at me though right?

I wouldn't invite him. It's not fair on your child and all the others to be physically attacked and frightened at a birthday party.

OP as previously mentioned, parents with SEN kids live a different life to parents with NT kids. You're really not getting it, please don't judge us. We've tried to get points across and now you're being mean.

OP why do you think it might be autism rather than another additional need?

Even better Branleuse, I am an adult with autism. I've met 2 children with autism who were violent. I've met people with other SN who were violent too.

Jeez is it so wrong to presume that a child with extreme behaviour may be autistic and therefore needs some compassion? For some of you it would appear it is yet undoubtedly you would be the ones having a moan if your child was excluded. Just can't win here

hahaha love the typo at the end

Why are you so fixated on them being autistic to the exclusion of any other additional need?