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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask his mum to stay at the party?

226 replies

heywhatsgoingon · 15/07/2018 19:45

Have name changed. My 6 year old son wants a full class party for his 7th birthday in August. The class are really nice and all get on well ... aside from one child. I don't know if he is on the spectrum or not but what I do know is that every day he is physically abusive to the other kids - but mainly the girls. He has only punched my son once but some of the other kids have had continuous physical abuse from him on a regular basis. My son doesn't want to invite him to the party at all - which is if course an option - however I would feel bad not inviting one child - and before anyone says anything I am not going to have a scaled down party just because one child doesn't behave - that's not fair on my son or the other kids. However I don't want to carry the responsibility of watching him as I will have 30 other kids to watch over. I also don't know how to deal with the child if he starts behaving like this. AIBU to say to his mother that I need her to fart to ensure there are not incidents?

OP posts:
DancingDot · 16/07/2018 12:21

The Op did not say that it was worth considering that the child had autism the Op said -

I don't know if he is on the spectrum or not but what I do know is that every day he is physically abusive to the other kids

AND

I have said that with this type of behaviour there is a strong possibility he is on the spectrum

Both statements conflate autism with violence. This is discrimination. At no point did the OP consider any other condition or adverse childhood experience. Your defence of the OP is supporting discrimination.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 16/07/2018 12:23

Snap and fart?

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 16/07/2018 12:30

I'm autistic and I don't find it offensive. It's a possibility, as is ADHD, poor impulse control, etc.

GahWhatever · 16/07/2018 12:38

FGS. The Op isn't perfectly worded but is about trying to invite a child with a lack of clear boundaries of what is socially acceptable to a party with the rest of their peers.
If she had said 'I do not know if he has some cognitive impairment which makes him unable to maintain behaviour within safe limits' rather than 'I don't know if he's on the spectrum or not' would that have enabled all of us to actually advise on how to approach this with the other parent?
Given that if the child in question does not have some cognitive or communications disorder then based on his behaviour the OP would be wholly reasonable to exclude him from the party I think that the fact she is considering possible reasons and trying to include him is nice. isn't it?

BluebellCockleshell123 · 16/07/2018 12:39

OP - I have been in this exact situation before (boys age 6, full class party, didn't want to leave 1 child out even though my son did not want to invite him). The boy was known to be disruptive and aggressive, but did not have a diagnosis (he does have a diagnosis of ASD now) but unfortunately I did not think to ask the child's mother to stay.

After 30 minutes of him running riot (deliberately tripping up other kids during dodgeball, deliberately knocking down their spinning plates, emptying out the magician's bag, etc) we had to have an adult glued to his side at all times. I didn't even have the mother's phone number or would have called her to come and supervise him (actually, having seen her parenting before that might not have made much of a difference).

In your position I would ask the mother to stay or not invite him in the first place.

DancingDot · 16/07/2018 12:40

Doesn't mean it isn't offensive though Perfectly - as you and plenty of others have stated the child's behaviour could be caused by multiple issues - to single out autism is discrimination.

KalindaBlack · 16/07/2018 12:42

It was the assumption that because the child is naughty that the OP thought he was somewhere on the spectrum. It makes me feel sad. Is that how other parents see my kids then? They aren't necessarily badly behaved but they are different and quirky, so do others judge them then?
That's must be why we don't get many invites to parties. Wish parents would just come and chat to me rather than judge.

Zippyitdoodar · 16/07/2018 12:45

Grin that word again.

DancingDot · 16/07/2018 12:50

GahWhatever

Like many other marginalised groups, people who have an ASD have to spend so much time and energy dealing with other people's perceptions of them and misunderstandings about what it means to be "on the spectrum". It is not fair, safe, or right for neuro-divergent children to be labelled as violent. It may be just a "badly worded OP", but surely you understand that the words we use impact on attitudes and attitudes impact on actions. The op's reluctance to take this on board and to reiterate her original assertions shows that she actually doesn't care that much about how people with autism feel.

Huskylover1 · 16/07/2018 12:51

Don't invite him. Simples.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 16/07/2018 12:54

And sometimes you can just recognise the signs of autism. I've only just been diagnosed, but I've known enough people over the years to be able to say "he/she's probably autistic" and I haven't been wrong so far.

I'm glad that the OP is considering inviting this boy. DD invited an autistic friend to her party, his mum said it was the first school party he'd ever been invited to. He isn't violent or aggressive. I said, "But all the kids love him!" She said, "I think it's the parents." 😢

ittakes2 · 16/07/2018 12:55

Speak to the teacher and ask his or her advice on how to handle things. They might have a solution. While I realise the party is out of school - children will be talking about it in school and leaving one child out is likely something the teacher will find out about - and they might have a some workable ideas. They are also likely to know if they think the parent of this child would jump at the chance of coming to the party to help or not.

IlikemyTeahot · 16/07/2018 12:56

every day he is physically abusive to the other kids

continuous physical abuse from him on a regular basis. My son doesn't want to invite him to the party at all
^
There's your answer Wink
Don't invite him, his awful behaviour should not be rewarded and your son who's birthday it is does not want him there, if it's easier for you then give him a number of attendees to choose from and that can be your excuse.

On spectrum or not, trouble at home whatever, parents need teach their kids not to hit and abuse others then maybe other kids/parents will be more welcoming and friendly towards them.

DancingDot · 16/07/2018 12:57

DD invited an autistic friend to her party, his mum said it was the first school party he'd ever been invited to. He isn't violent or aggressive. I said, "But all the kids love him!" She said, "I think it's the parents.

This is exactly why we should all be challenging people when they conflate autism and violence. So that adults like those above recognise that their previously held perceptions are wrong.

Spikeyball · 16/07/2018 13:09

If he is hitting other children everyday then you need to looking in the direction of the school as well as the parents. His behaviour is being badly managed in the place where the parents may ( depending on the reasons for the behaviour) have little influence over it.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 16/07/2018 13:11

It's not true to say that no autistic person is violent though. I knew a 14yo boy who hit his sister because he enjoyed her reaction. He didn't realise that it hurt her. It depends on the autistic person.

Bramble71 · 16/07/2018 13:12

Just don't invite the disruptive child. I reckon your son and most of his classmates will have a much better time without him there.

Fickleflock · 16/07/2018 13:12

I found that farting was met with a positive reaction from my son when he was younger (laughing, pointing, ‘Mummy did a poo poo noise’ etc.) and would be a good strategy to de-escalate negative behaviour. However, now my son is older he has become immune to it through constant use and is now totally indifferent. If it still works for this Mum, I think it would be best to ask her to fart.

DancingDot · 16/07/2018 13:15

Exactly Perfectly - a propensity to violence depends on the individual person whether that person is autistic or neuro-typical, black or white, muslim or christian. To suggest that any one of these groups is more violent than the rest is dangerous.

Sleeplikeasloth · 16/07/2018 13:20

I wouldn't invite him.
Whether the boy has a reason for his behaviour or not he is physically abusive to the birthday boy, and classmates. Whilst it's not nice to exclude him, I think it's worse to expose your son and the other children to worry about being hit/not being able to relax/actually being hit. We wouldn't expect an adult to socialise with someone that hits them, and I don't see why it should be different for a child.

Bear in mind that when this boy reaches the age of 10, he could be prosecuted for his behaviour. A difficult background, possible SN wouldn't prevent that, and if he carries on hitting people as an adult, he will either end up in jail or a secure hospital. Autism or other SN is not a 'get out of jail card'. Obviously he's a young child, and we need to have compassion, but ignoring his violent behaviour, will not do him any favours in the long run.

zzzzz · 16/07/2018 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 16/07/2018 13:27

This is where I'm torn. What if there are SN reasons for his behaviour? I'd invite him on condition his mum stayed. Or at least talk to his mum and find out if there are underlying causes. The only reason I know all this about DD's friend is because I became friends with his mum.

Emmasmum2013 · 16/07/2018 13:29

I don't think I would invite the child. If he's violent to a lot of the other kids and they're not going to have as good a time with him there, plus your own DS said he doesn't want him there... then I'd just not invite.

That child's social life isn't your responsibility. If he wants friends and to be invited to parties then he needs to learn to behave, or his parent's need to make sure that he knows how to behave.

And to be honest, if the parent ever asked my he hadn't been invited I'd be straight with them.

Chocchip88 · 16/07/2018 13:32

As the mother of ‘that’ child I’d ask her to stay. I always stay at parties he’s invited to - I would hate for him to kick off when I’m not there leaving other parents trying to deal with it. Just ask her, I’m sure she’s not blind to her son’s behaviour.

ThisMorningWentBadly · 16/07/2018 13:33

This was my son. I would have been grateful for the invite and I would always have stayed.