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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask his mum to stay at the party?

226 replies

heywhatsgoingon · 15/07/2018 19:45

Have name changed. My 6 year old son wants a full class party for his 7th birthday in August. The class are really nice and all get on well ... aside from one child. I don't know if he is on the spectrum or not but what I do know is that every day he is physically abusive to the other kids - but mainly the girls. He has only punched my son once but some of the other kids have had continuous physical abuse from him on a regular basis. My son doesn't want to invite him to the party at all - which is if course an option - however I would feel bad not inviting one child - and before anyone says anything I am not going to have a scaled down party just because one child doesn't behave - that's not fair on my son or the other kids. However I don't want to carry the responsibility of watching him as I will have 30 other kids to watch over. I also don't know how to deal with the child if he starts behaving like this. AIBU to say to his mother that I need her to fart to ensure there are not incidents?

OP posts:

PorkFlute · 15/07/2018 19:55

Well Yabu to assume he may be ‘on the spectrum’. I have a child ‘on the spectrum’ and they are the gentlest child I know.
Getting back to your question yanbu to ask the parent to stay if the child is aggressive and hard work but if you don’t know the parent do you know that they will help? I’ve seen plenty sit back in playcentres etc while their child runs around colouring everyone.
I think a scaled down party is the only option in these circumstances. I know you’ve said it’s unfair but I refuse to believe that any child has 29 friends that the absolutely must invite.

Tink1990 · 15/07/2018 19:56

TittyFahLaEtcetera · 15/07/2018 19:56

Ask the Mum. Maybe she'll come up trumps.

Typhers · 15/07/2018 19:57

Also do parents not stay where you are? 🤔. I’d be most miffed if parents decided I should supervise 30 children on the inflatable device of maiming, death and crying (bouncy castle).

Beaverhausen · 15/07/2018 19:57

Thanks for the giggle but on a serious note I would speak to his mom if you could and just point out the situation and ask her if she would not mind staying just to ensure that nothing untowards happens it also gives her the option then of wanting him to attend or not.

But you are right to invite him because no matter what a childs behaviour might be it would hurt his feelings if everyone else is invited but not him. He might have behaviour issues which nobody is aware of.

LagunaBubbles · 15/07/2018 19:58

YABVU just for the "on the spectrum" comments alone shock

Why? The minute there is a thread on here about badly behaved children some posters are tripping over themselves to shout the poster down and say the child may have special needs.

mummyhaschangedhername · 15/07/2018 19:59

Do you know the mother?

As a mum of a child "on the spectrum" then I would actually be relieved at staying. But everyone is different. I guess it depends on of you know her and what her feelings are.

user1493413286 · 15/07/2018 19:59

I think you’ll need to ask all parents to stay unless you’re able to be incredibly tactful in asking her to stay. That will also help if she doesn’t intervene in her sons behaviour as the parents of the children being hurt will intervene which will force her to act

FASH84 · 15/07/2018 19:59

You are right to invite him, and I think it's reasonable to have a chat with his mum. Do you have any friends of other children in the class who will stay so she doesn't feel like it's just her because of her child's behaviour? If it is something she is trying to work on, to be the only parent staying will make her feel worse

AirForce0ne · 15/07/2018 19:59

don't give a hard time to the OP about the spectrum comment. If she hadn't mention it, she would have got told off for being unkind and judgmental about a child and then told that "he might be on the spectrum". You can't win on this forum

Agree, it shouldn't be an excuse for naughty behaviour, but it usually is used as one, despite being so unfair to all the very well behaved kids.

The good news is you won't need any further entertainment for 6 yo if you ask the adult to fart.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 15/07/2018 20:01

It all depends on the reasons for the hitting and how effective her strategies are for managing him. If she has strong boundaries and effective sanctions it might help. If however she puts it down as 'boys will be boys' and high spirits then it might be worse as you could end up having to discipline him in front of his mother who is oblivious to his behaviour. I might rather ask a few others who are friends to come along and make sure someone is always close to him to intervene/occupy him. It does though depend on the cause and management of his behaviour.

upsideup · 15/07/2018 20:03

Just don't invite him, he punched your son and often hurts other children.

PorkFlute · 15/07/2018 20:03

There’s a difference between saying a behaviour may be down to special needs and associating a specific disability with violence.
Yes SOME kids with autism can be aggressive, as can some kids with adhd, learning disabilities or mental health problems. Or those who have experienced trauma or whose parents are going through a divorce or because they are immature for their age or just a little shit or any number of reasons.
Singling out autism is offensive.

Ellie56 · 15/07/2018 20:05

I think it will make all the difference if you ask mum to stay and fart.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/07/2018 20:05

Does your son want him there?

I wouldn’t ask my child to socialise with anyone who’d hurt them.

Frenchcroissant · 15/07/2018 20:06

I wouldn't invite him. If he decides to lash out and hit or punch another child his mum won't be able to stop him unless she's right next to him for the duration of the party. What if he decides to go for your son as he's the one who will be getting all the attention? You shouldn't reward bad behaviour anyway so no, definitely don't invite him.

weebarra · 15/07/2018 20:07

DS1 is being assessed for ADD, he is also dyspraxic and has autistic traits. I'm well aware that his behaviour is challenging but also appreciate that other parents may just think he is incredibly bouncy, clumsy and inconsiderate of other people's presence in his space.
If, as the OP says, he is having behavioural issues at school, he may indeed have additional needs and I'd certainly be appreciative that she hadn't just assumed he was badly behaved.
Anyway, it probably depends what the Mum is like. I would expect a few parents to stay if it's a whole class party at 6.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 15/07/2018 20:09

No way I invited the class bully to my kids party,why would I invite a bully?
The kid was known for inappropriate overbearing behaviour and the mum was odious too
My free time,my kids party I don’t need to pretend to want a bully playing in the garden

Specky12 · 15/07/2018 20:09

If my child was punched by another child and witnessed his friends being hit by this child I would respect his view that he didn't want this child at his party. If you feel bad about leaving him out then speak to the mum -
"Hi Farting Mum,
My child is having a birthday party, we would love your child to attend but would you mind staying to help out?"

percheron67 · 15/07/2018 20:10

Gassing him into submission seems a little drastic!!

soapboxqueen · 15/07/2018 20:11

I think it's great that you still want to invite him OP. It's difficult at a young age (sometimes at a age) to know why a child is behaving as they are and how to respond. PP are correct in that if you hadn't mentioned the prospect of SEND you'd have been pulled up on it. My ds has aspergers and can kick off royally especially when he was at that age. I get sick of people saying 'well my child doesn't do any of those things and is an angel' therefore implying that poor behaviour must be for some other reason. No, it's just your child reacts differently

....

I would just be straight with the mum. Ask her if she is planning on coming, if she says no then just say that you're are worried about what to do because you know there have been incidents at school and you've not dealt with anything like that before. If she refuses, rescind the invite.

Cismyass · 15/07/2018 20:11

No way would the little shit be coming to DD's party. And you can't guarantee the Mother will fart.

mindlessobsessions · 15/07/2018 20:12

it's simple isn't it, you send an invite to all, then you find a way to get the mum's phone number or bump into her and ask if she's planning to attend the party.

If she's got any sense (and a lot of people who's DC have a bit of trouble do) she'll be planning to go anyway.

If she says no, then you need to say, I'd be happier if you stayed as it's a full class party etc.

InfiniteVariety · 15/07/2018 20:13

Farting to control the behaviour of children? What is this sorcery?

Fatjilly · 15/07/2018 20:14

Provide wine and nibbles for the adults and state this on the invites, making it fairly obvious that parents are expected to stay

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