To ask his mum to stay at the party?

[heywhatsgoingon]

Have name changed. My 6 year old son wants a full class party for his 7th birthday in August. The class are really nice and all get on well ... aside from one child. I don't know if he is on the spectrum or not but what I do know is that every day he is physically abusive to the other kids - but mainly the girls. He has only punched my son once but some of the other kids have had continuous physical abuse from him on a regular basis. My son doesn't want to invite him to the party at all - which is if course an option - however I would feel bad not inviting one child - and before anyone says anything I am not going to have a scaled down party just because one child doesn't behave - that's not fair on my son or the other kids. However I don't want to carry the responsibility of watching him as I will have 30 other kids to watch over. I also don't know how to deal with the child if he starts behaving like this. AIBU to say to his mother that I need her to fart to ensure there are not incidents?

Why would you want to invite a child who punched your son, along with hurting other kids? So what if it hurts his feelings, I don't think he was thinking of others' feelings when he hurt them. Don't invite him, let it be lesson to him.

Maybe he is on the spectrum maybe not. Maybe the more socially ept children have wound him up (because they know they can) until he lashes out. Maybe they just tickled him (but they know he doesn’t like to be touched) so he lashed out. Maybe they simply took his glasses and he lashed out because he couldn’t see. But because what he did was worse he got punished. Maybe they teased him, knowing that he can’t take it. He is a seven year old child and struggling please be kind.

Make sure he has an adult with him but please be kind.

I don't think it's that unreasonable to ask other mums if they've invited this boy to a party before, and how they've managed it, IF that's what the OP did.
I don't think it's unreasonable to consider that the child may have SN (although I do take the point that there are other SN that could cause his issues rather than just ASD)
I don't think it's unreasonable to want to invite him if the rest of the class are being invited, and I don't think it's unreasonable to not want to reduce numbers just to exclude him.

@ThisMorningWentBadly Why would you presume it was always the other child's fault?

The number of posters on here who say this one child should be included make me sick. This boy is hitting out for a reason (Sen or otherwise). Inviting him isn’t rewarding him, but leaving him out is punishing him. He will already have received punishment from school for his behaviours. How is it anyone else’s responsibility to mete out additional punishment? Arguably the child is or isn’t a bully. Excluding ONE CHILD certainly makes any excluder a bully. Poor poor kid if he experiences this level of exclusion and nastiness from so called adults. He might not be able to control his actions, but you certainly can. It’s one thing to hit out through lack of control, another entirely to make a deliberate decision to exclude. What on earth do you think you are teaching you’re own children? That excluding someone, a vulnerable someone (possibly even the MOST vulnerable - a disabled child, if he does have Sen) is Ok?

That's pretty much how I feel Bizarre.

"The number of posters on here who say this one child should be included make me sick."

I'm assuming you meant EXcluded here, not included.

I did, thank you Thumb!

I'm the mum of a boy like you describe, he is autistic. I am aware of my sons behaviour and always stay with him so YAnbu to ask her

Kids with ASD often lash out when they are anxious. It may be that he doesn't have the support in place that he needs to feel secure and safe at school. Quite often in order to get help, you have to let things deteriorate.

My son has ASD and I always stay at parties.

Fortunately, he has friends with parents who are kind and understanding. His social life has a huge impact on his self esteem and mental health so staying at a few parties is the least I can do.

@zzzzz marthastew said ‘often’, not all, not all the time. Presumably as the parent of a child with ASD you know that when you’ve met one child with autism, you’ve met one child with autism. Just because yours does not lash out, this does not lesson the number who do.
It is commonly accepted among professionals than children with ASD are prone to violence when they experience extreme anxiety, sensory overload, etc. It is bloody hard work to support your child so that their anxieties etc rep managed. Punishing them for things they cannot control will never result in this happening.

(Apologies for the typos - I have poorly burnt and bandaged hands from a cooking incident at the weekend, so my typing is a bit shonky)

Bizarretortoise, the school can give whatever punishment it wants, that's irrelevant. But no one should be forced to socialise or be friends with their abuser whether they are adult or child.

If my child had been assaulted repeatedly by someone with special needs, I'd explain to my daughter that they probably couldn't help it, and it wasn't them being naughty, but I wouldn't force them to socialise together, and put my child under unnecessary risk and distress.

@Sleep - chances are if mum was at the party none of the other children would be ‘at risk’. Either the child would feel calmer, or mum would be on hand to defuse or even remove.
What is utterly cruel is isolating one child deliberately - ONE CHILD. Either invite (with mum) or reduce the numbers. It just requires a little kindness and consideration either way. That’s not too much to ask.

Bizarretortoise Bizarretortoise, what about the 29 children who will feel anxious because the boy is there? What about the children who will potentially not come because they are afraid? It's not just about the other children being physically at risk, it's about them feeling at risk, and about their emotional welfare as well.

It's funny now how seemingly being violent repeatedly towards other people probably has a reason and should be largely ignored, whereas choosing not to be friends with someone on the basis that they assault you is now bullying.

And when do you draw the line? How much violence still means you have to socialise together. Is it OK if the other child has slapped you? Punched you? What about broken your bones? Stabbed you... At some stage, whatever the reason for the behaviour, you need to protect your own child's physical and emotional wellbeing. But for some reason we are a lot less concerned with that than when it involves adults...

I dont think it particularly matters whether the child has sn or not, if your child doesn't want him at the party, just dont invite him.

Obviously it depends on you circumstances but I would say privately to the mum, Id like to invite XX but only if a parent stays too because you know there has been this hitting at school and he obviously struggles. Her reaction will tell you all you need to know. If she kicks off you will have to say sorry I can't take responsibility for him on his own.

If her kid has behavioural problems (SEN related or otherwise) he will soon be frozen out of all class parties/friendship groups anyway, you are being very kind to think of a way of including him. Alternatively if he's just a little shit with couldn't-care-less parents they won't care anyway!

@sleep because we are not talking about adults, we aren’t talking about stabbing, broken bones. We are talking about a child of 7. If incidents like this are happening with such regularity at school, school should be better managing them. Presumably though, your solution would be to have him excluded from school and then nobody would need to invite him. Problem solved.
(I’m guess though that this poor child does have SEN otherwise the school probably would have excluded him by now if his behaviour really is that Violent.)

I do agree that the right way to handle this would be to either have fewer children, say 18, so that you're not just excluding 1 child, or invite the whole class including this boy. Excluding 1 child out of the whole class is really not kind.

I don’t presume it is always the other child’s fault. I said maybe. I was just trying to point out that there are usually two sides.

@zzzzz apologies, there was an important word missed (hamfisted typong) - ‘some’ children with ASD are prone to violence when under extreme anxiety/sensory overload. Google SEND VCB. There are several academic studies on this.

Apologies again (burnt and bandaged paws). We agree on the second point. I was trying to say, albeit badly, that SEN-related behaviours cannot be punished out of people.

@zzzzz that your child doesn’t lash out is great, but that doesn’t mean that other parents of children with SEN don’t experience this on a regular basis. It is a heck of a lot more common than you think, and it is absolutely hideous seeing (and being on the receiving end of) it in your child. Especially when you know it means that your kid is behaving like that because their anxieties are sky high. Ad not being able to do anything to help them in that moment. Psychologists equate that to them feeling under physical attack, eliciting a fight or flight response.
Again, not all kids with SEN are violent. Not every kid with ASD is the same. But some families do experience SEN-based violence through no fault of ours or our children’s.
My son’s behaviour was horrific up to the age of 6. It was thanks to his incredible headteacher that he wasn’t excluded. He pretty much saved my son. DS’s behaviour is now amazing, you would never ever know he’d ever behaved like that once. We, his school, and the numerous professionals who supported (and continue to support) him have to work bloody hard to help him manage his anxieties. Every single one of those professionals talked to us about violence related to children with SEN. It’s talked about explicitly in his diagnosis and EHCP.