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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask his mum to stay at the party?

226 replies

heywhatsgoingon · 15/07/2018 19:45

Have name changed. My 6 year old son wants a full class party for his 7th birthday in August. The class are really nice and all get on well ... aside from one child. I don't know if he is on the spectrum or not but what I do know is that every day he is physically abusive to the other kids - but mainly the girls. He has only punched my son once but some of the other kids have had continuous physical abuse from him on a regular basis. My son doesn't want to invite him to the party at all - which is if course an option - however I would feel bad not inviting one child - and before anyone says anything I am not going to have a scaled down party just because one child doesn't behave - that's not fair on my son or the other kids. However I don't want to carry the responsibility of watching him as I will have 30 other kids to watch over. I also don't know how to deal with the child if he starts behaving like this. AIBU to say to his mother that I need her to fart to ensure there are not incidents?

OP posts:

allthatmalarkey · 15/07/2018 21:17

Whatever the reason this child is violent (and there will be a reason, he's 6/7 FGS), it isn't going to help him to exclude him from a whole class party. You have to at least try with the mum and be firm. She's probably embarrassed and miserable about her DS's behaviour and School have no doubt made her well aware. For all you know, she may be planning to turn down all invitations anyway. If she's like most mums she will be very willing to stay. If she isn't, you're going to have to insist that she stay as you can't supervise 30 kids without help, otherwise he can't come. If you can't face saying this, you need to make sure you've got another parent who is prepared to mark this boy so that things can be headed off before anything happens.
I have a son on the spectrum. We're lucky, he doesn't hit, but he is very challenging in other ways and I'm incredibly careful about how we socialise with other people, for my own sanity. If you can seem supportive and encouraging, you may find you're doing her a favour and reducing her worry.

Original poster

heywhatsgoingon · 15/07/2018 21:19

Wellbeehived at no point have I stated that all children on the spectrum are aggressive I am well aware they are not. I have said that with this type of behaviour there is a strong possibility he is on the spectrum, to echo PP I have seen threads like this before where everyone jumps in the op and says they are being unreasonable to exclude a badly behaved child as he could be in the spectrum. As such I have decided to give the child the benefit of the doubt that their behaviour is beyond their control. For the record most of the mums I have spoken to have said they would not invite him. Perhaps then to in order to appear reasonable to you I should just presume he is a little shit, not take into account that he may have SN and just exclude him. Is that more in line with your morals?

OP posts:

georgetteheyerfan · 15/07/2018 21:25

I would say the childminder could be of help here. She will know the mother and could give some clues to the family dynamics, views on discipline and if she’s likely to come to the party or not. Could you have a discreet word with her first?

Allthewaves · 15/07/2018 21:26

My kids are on the spectrum and can behave as you describe. I would be staying anyway at any party invite. I would say on the invite that you need an adult to stay to supervise. I'd be so happy you included my child that I'd bend over backwards to supervise.

Allthewaves · 15/07/2018 21:31

I invited the 'problem' child to my eldest dc party at the same sort age as yours. All other mums said they wouldn't in it him and do you know what it was fine. His aunt stayed. I had to reign his bouncy behaviour a couple of times and it all went well.

It's heartbreaking to have the child who's never invited to a party.

MalloryLaurel · 15/07/2018 21:32

Is it a farting spectrum?

BentOutOfShape · 15/07/2018 21:33

For the record most of the mums I have spoken to have said they would not invite him

👀 i think it’s best not to discuss his issues with other Mums unless they have nothing to do with him. It all gets very gossipy if you aren’t careful.

Lalliella · 15/07/2018 21:35

I don’t think you should invite a child to a party that your DS doesn’t want to be there, and who has punched your DS. What sort of a message does that give to him? That protecting the feelings of a bully is more important than his safety and well-being at his own party.

AlpacaLypse · 15/07/2018 21:38

I've shot through thread - apart from giggling a bit at the fart autocorrect... If you're doing a whole class party obviously annoying child has to be invited - but only on clear understanding - with response in writing - from parent of annoying child to say she or he will be attending and ready to take out and remove annoying child.

Speaking as aunt of two ASD/ADHD nephews. I love them but I know they're a total PITA.

Sleepyblueocean · 15/07/2018 21:39

Fine to say he may have special needs. Not fine to say he may be on the spectrum.

timeisnotaline · 15/07/2018 21:41

I think you’re being lovely to give him a chance. I would ask the Mum to stay. If she says no you haven’t exactly burnt any bridges. If lots of parents stay and if the childminder drops him off usually she won’t knwo them to check if they were asked to stay too. If she notes lots of parents didn’t come you can say breezily well I don’t need a 1-1 ratio but simply couldn’t manage 30 on my own!

timeisnotaline · 15/07/2018 21:42

And have a plan for your dh/ someone fairly strong to calmly remove the boy from situations of Mum doesn’t step up.

DancingDot · 15/07/2018 21:42

I have said that with this type of behaviour there is a strong possibility he is on the spectrum,

No there isn't. Bloody hell - this is the second thread I've been on tonight where there have been sweeping generalisations and misrepresentations about autism.

Gossiping about a child with other grown ups when you have no idea why the child behaves the way they do is pretty low. You clearly don't want the child to come so have the courage of your convictions and don't invite him.

SoftSheen · 15/07/2018 21:48

As others have pointed out, it's possible that the boy's violence might be due to SN, and if this is the case, it would be kinder to invite him along with his mum/dad to manage his behaviour.

However, it is also possible that the boy is violent because he witnesses or experiences violence at home . If this is the case then having his parent at the party might not be helpful or desirable. I'd be inclined to have a carefully-worded chat with the boy's childminder.

As an aside, whatever the reason for the boy's behaviour, it doesn't sound like the school is managing things very well. He shouldn't have the opportunity to hurt other children on a regular basis.

Hoolahoophop · 15/07/2018 21:52

If op were a troll she's the kind I'd like to have around. Thanks for the giggle.

Sleepyblueocean · 15/07/2018 21:53

Do you think autism is the only special need that may cause this type of behaviour?

HildaZelda · 15/07/2018 21:54

I wouldn't ask her to fart OP. She may just snap!

Barbie222 · 15/07/2018 21:57

I wouldn't assume that mum will be helpful if she stays. However, I would encourage as many parents to stay as possible for your own sanity. So no need to single her out. Just ask people to stay and then parents can help protect their own children if needed.

Pigsears · 15/07/2018 21:57

I would invite the child- and would ask parent to stay (with siblings if that was brought up). I don't have a sn child but would, on principle not exclude one child in an all class party either. I wouldn't assume that the parent knows that their child is challenging- despite what has been heard at the school gates- so they might not think or understand why they are being asked to stay (when no one else is....).

elliejjtiny · 15/07/2018 21:59

My sons have sn and I always ask the hosting parent if they want me to stay or not. Most of the time they say yes and are a bit relieved I think. One mum always says no thanks because she says it's easier without a load of random parents hovering which is fair enough. I always give her my phone number and remind her i 'm happy to come and get him if he is being difficult.

Original poster

heywhatsgoingon · 15/07/2018 22:01

Sleepy ... I think from this and other behaviour it is the most likely reason yes

OP posts:

AnnabelC · 15/07/2018 22:10

Be careful. Because he might need disciplining at the party. The parents, from experience, wouldn’t want you to discipline him yourself or anyone else at the party.

Branleuse · 15/07/2018 22:12

could you write on the invitation "if you feel like your child might need more support, we would appreciate a parent staying as im sure you can understand

KalindaBlack · 15/07/2018 22:12

YABU for the maybe on the spectrum comment. Just because the child is naughty does not mean he maybe on the spectrum. Horrible judgement to make.

As for the issue at hand, put your number on the invite for rsvp-ing, so when she does, ask her to attend with him.

justchangingagain · 15/07/2018 22:20

Why do threads always go like this, people hone in on a part of the op rather than the actual question.

In all the countless threads about behaviour it's like playing bingo ( to see how many replies it takes for someone to mention SN/spectrum ) it never takes that long.

heywhatsgoingon

I think I would invite the child, can you get family to help you perhaps get one person to always keep an eye on the child discreetly .

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