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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To ask his mum to stay at the party?

226 replies

heywhatsgoingon · 15/07/2018 19:45

Have name changed. My 6 year old son wants a full class party for his 7th birthday in August. The class are really nice and all get on well ... aside from one child. I don't know if he is on the spectrum or not but what I do know is that every day he is physically abusive to the other kids - but mainly the girls. He has only punched my son once but some of the other kids have had continuous physical abuse from him on a regular basis. My son doesn't want to invite him to the party at all - which is if course an option - however I would feel bad not inviting one child - and before anyone says anything I am not going to have a scaled down party just because one child doesn't behave - that's not fair on my son or the other kids. However I don't want to carry the responsibility of watching him as I will have 30 other kids to watch over. I also don't know how to deal with the child if he starts behaving like this. AIBU to say to his mother that I need her to fart to ensure there are not incidents?

OP posts:
Isleepinahedgefund · 15/07/2018 20:15

Made my evening, thanks. By all means ask her to fart if you think that will solve the problem.

loveyouradvice · 15/07/2018 20:15

You are right to invite him, and I think it's reasonable to have a chat with his mum. Do you have any friends of other children in the class who will stay so she doesn't feel like it's just her because of her child's behaviour? If it is something she is trying to work on, to be the only parent staying will make her feel worse

Totally agree - fab and generous to invite him... but you need to protect DS! And also think that with that number at that age I would definitely be asking another five or six parents to stay and help out... so ask your mates, and even explain the situation to one of them(who'll know anyway) and she can help keep an extra eye.... Darn, so sexist there .... but suspect it will be the mums! For my DD, it was 95% of the time.... and occasional DF was great to have

Twistedinknots · 15/07/2018 20:16

I wouldn't invite them, why make your child miserable?
My mother once did this to me, inviting a child who made all the other guests tense and unhappy.
It isn't worth it. I remember that party very well, for all the wrong reasons!

LeahJack · 15/07/2018 20:16

This reply has been deleted

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PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 15/07/2018 20:17

I don't actually object to the spectrum comment. That is one possible reason for his behaviour. There were two boys on the spectrum at DS's hobby. One is almost too well behaved (will literally never break a rule, or push boundaries at all). The other can't cope when frustrated or over stimulated and will lash out indiscriminately. He's definitely not a spoilt brat: his parents and other siblings are lovely but he is hard to handle.

Original poster
heywhatsgoingon · 15/07/2018 20:19

I have never met Mum - he gets dropped by a child minder. She has never been at any of the parties I have attended - don't know if he wasn't invited or she declined the invite. It is of course true that he may just be a little shit. If that was he case I wouldn't invite him. I am giving him the benefit of the doubt that his behaviour is driven by something outside his control as it is so extreme and as such I think I should make allowances. PP who said no child has 29 friends - luckily for us this class is amazing and the kids aren't in cliques and play with different kids and all together so no, I won't scale down the party because of one kid. About half the parents stay but again I don't feel anyone else should have responsibility for controlling his behaviour other than his Mum. I think either she comes with him or I don't invite him. It's difficult only wish it was as simple as farting Smile

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 15/07/2018 20:20

As adults we don’t force ourselves to stay in company of bullies or odious folk
Yes there seems to be a notion it’s okay to force our kids to party with a bully in their own free time
I dont invite mean kids,to our events, why would i

Original poster
heywhatsgoingon · 15/07/2018 20:21

Oh and Leah piss right off - why would a troll ask a simple question like I have. God knows where the fart came from but I have no idea what you are are talking about. I am reporting you

OP posts:
slkk · 15/07/2018 20:27

My son is on the spectrum, can be violent when triggered or scared and is also a beautiful gentle loving boy. He has only ever had 2 party invitations. I stayed for both and would never dream of leaving him. If he does have SEN, inviting him is a kind and inclusive thing to do and his parent will be more than happy to stay.

Bluetrews25 · 15/07/2018 20:28

Am I the only one who thinks this boy might be easier to control if his Mum isn't there? She might be a bit....weak....at the keeping him in line bit, if he is just 'spirited', and a stranger might have more effect. That is, if you insist on inviting him. But an August party? Fairly good chance he might be away, anyway.

RedSkyLastNight · 15/07/2018 20:33

I think it's highly unlikely that you will have 30 children attending an August party and, as such, not inviting just one child might be ok as it won't be particularly noticeable (though I agree that it would be kinder to invite, particularly if he does have SEN).

Kool4katz · 15/07/2018 20:34

Fart..shit..piss... squits?

GinghamStyle · 15/07/2018 20:34

This thread has reminded me that it's been at least 3 years since my DS was invited to someone's birthday party - probably longer...

As you don't know the mum, and so don't have an opportunity to have a friendly chat with her, is be inclined to advise that you don't invite him to the birthday party.

Hassled · 15/07/2018 20:46

I think it's absolutely fair enough to say exactly what you suggested yourself - ask if she's coming, if not reference the incidents at school and say quite firmly that you think it would be helpful if she came. If the behaviour is as bad as you say, she won't be oblivious to it - the school will be working with her and the son. She will certainly understand.

viques · 15/07/2018 20:46

are you in Scotland OP? Because if you are in the UK I doubt if everyone will be coming to an August birthday party. People will be on holiday, kids staying at relatives for childcare etc etc, so if you did decide not to invite little fart then it would not be so noticeable that he was the only absentee.

SheepyFun · 15/07/2018 20:47

Are you sure his mum is the right person to invite to help? There is a boy in DD's class who struggles to interact well with others. I wonder if it's SN, but don't know. When he's been misbehaving at parties, his parents rarely intervene (and SN or not, he needs to not hurt others) but some of the other parents from the class are more than capable of telling him to stop/redirecting his attention. You might want to make sure you have the right parents helping you!

IWouldLikeToKnow · 15/07/2018 20:51

My son is one of those naughty, can be aggressive children. He has some very challenging behaviours. No idea if he's "on the spectrum" or not. He's never been assessed. He's also younger than the child in this case -3.5. He's also not spoilt as suggested by a PP and is ALWAYS corrected when he is naughty. If he is still like his by the time his peers are going to parties unsupervised, I would much rather be there to manage him.

DiabolicalMess · 15/07/2018 20:57

If op hasn't considered that the child could be on the asd spectrum she would have been jumped on and called unreasonable for not considering it!!

Op you would be sensible to invite the mother to fart stay.

Stompythedinosaur · 15/07/2018 21:00

I would do what you are doing - invite him put maybe put a note on the back of the invite saying you'd appreciate it if a parent could stay to supervise during the party. It may not help with his behaviour, but means there is someone to deal with him (or leave with him) if you need to pull him out if his behaviour isn't good.

We have invited the child with a rep for behaving badly to a party before (as I couldn't bring myself to leave out one child). I had dp and dm briefed to keep a close eye on him. He was obviously very grateful to be invited and was perfectly behaved while he was with us.

CherryPavlova · 15/07/2018 21:04

I’d be tempted to tell the truth. Your son isn’t invited as he can’t behave himself and I’m not prepared to have other children upset or hurt. Harsh lesson to learn but the sooner consequences of behaviour are established the better for everyone.

MaggieFS · 15/07/2018 21:05

If the son has definitely punched your son, then I think it's absolutely fine to have a quiet delicate word with the mum and say you don't want to leave her DS out, however given the history, you feel it's only possible to invite him if she stays. Then it's up to her.

Helpimfalling · 15/07/2018 21:06

Ffs I was crying over my ex and now I'm peeing myself laughing

Thanks girls

wellBeehivedWoman · 15/07/2018 21:12

YABU to make 'on the spectrum' comments. Not every little shit is on the spectrum and plenty of kids who are on the spectrum would never be aggressive. In fact, kids who are on the spectrum are much more likely to be victims of aggression from their peers than perpetrators.

If you're worried about a child's behaviour though, then feel free to ask a parent to stay.

BentOutOfShape · 15/07/2018 21:13

Why don’t you ask your kids teacher if she or he has any advice. They won’t be able to say anything specific about the other child but may offer some info on the group dynamics.

Another thought is if there is a teachers assistant who might be willing to come and help for some extra cash.

PorkFlute · 15/07/2018 21:16

I don’t think people would have been offended if the op had said the child may have some kind of sn. But ‘on the spectrum’ only refers to asd.