to not understand how I could possibly be perceived as racist?

[MissFranklin]

First mn post but have been an avid reader for a while now.

Me and DP are expecting our first baby. Was at work last week discussing what our child might look like with a colleague. It was a very interesting conversation as I am mixed race (Caucasian and Afro-Caribbean) and DP is white. I have dark Afro hair, green eyes and fairly dark brown skin. DP has dead straight, blonde hair, blue eyes and very pale skin. I find it interesting thinking about what our child may look like (I'm sure the majority of parents to be wonder about this at some point during their pregnancies).

Apparently, a colleague of mine was offended by this conversation. Felt that I was focussing on the race of my child too much and what he/she will look like, and didn't seem at all interested in whether my baby was healthy (this is not the case, of course that is the most important thing to me and I've actually had a very complicated pregnancy, I just don't discuss it with my colleagues). Apparently I was being racist in saying that when a person has a mixture of races they are often interesting looking and it's hard to pin down where their heritage stems from. Now the only comment other than the above that I made about race, was that it's interesting that our child could look white, black, or somewhere in between and that I'm just really curious to know. I thought this was a fairly obvious remark. It was a really brief conversation and didn't really progress from what I've said above. I think I ended it with 'I don't care what my baby looks like as they'll be beautiful to me regardless'.

Now I'm not usually one to confront about things like this as I'm quite thick skinned and am not usually bothered, but I'm not happy with being called racist and would be furious if I was referred to as that again (I feel pretty furious as it is). The person who told me this has asked that I don't say anything, which I never understand - why tell me if I can't respond to it?

AIBU to think I really need to speak to this person face to face as I am so confused as to how I could possibly have offended her? I am no racist and have no idea how to approach her about this. Am I overreacting?

MissFranklin ah...the old "angry black woman" trope that's trotted out when we don't smilingly agree with shadeism/colourism and similar.

Apparently I was being racist in saying that when a person has a mixture of races they are often interesting looking

I'm sure there are people who aren't mixed that look pretty interesting.

It's clear to me why your colleague said you were being racist. I actually wasn't aware earlier that your colleague is West African.

But that you would even have this conversation openly and at work and completely lack self-awareness regarding the nuances of shadeism and colourism, and how it impacts in society, speaks volumes really.

Whereby "the mix" is what is deemed to somehow "add" to a person. It's so naff.

I'm not offended. I just roll eyes re people who are hung up on shadeism and pretend they aren't. Just own it - your colleague as a West African likely finds the whole "mix" conversation and its many strands tiresome. & then came to work and there you are also perpetuating it. You know what time it is in real life, but are pretending you don't.

Still as said - when you approach her chances are she will make clear to you why she felt as she did. & she may not be the only one, if conversations arose out of what you said.

mistress so we aren’t allowed to talk about our kids in case we offend someone who isn’t mixed race?

Me and my DP (I am white/middle eastern and he is japanese) have often talked about how it will be interesting to see what our kids will look like, and like you some people seem to find this uncomfortable! I wouldn't dedicate much headspace to this though. Just get on with your day and rest assured YANBU!

@PrincessPear - not in an office.

Why should we not be able to talk about our kids at work?

I’m so glad I don’t work with people like that.