to not understand how I could possibly be perceived as racist?

[MissFranklin]

First mn post but have been an avid reader for a while now.

Me and DP are expecting our first baby. Was at work last week discussing what our child might look like with a colleague. It was a very interesting conversation as I am mixed race (Caucasian and Afro-Caribbean) and DP is white. I have dark Afro hair, green eyes and fairly dark brown skin. DP has dead straight, blonde hair, blue eyes and very pale skin. I find it interesting thinking about what our child may look like (I'm sure the majority of parents to be wonder about this at some point during their pregnancies).

Apparently, a colleague of mine was offended by this conversation. Felt that I was focussing on the race of my child too much and what he/she will look like, and didn't seem at all interested in whether my baby was healthy (this is not the case, of course that is the most important thing to me and I've actually had a very complicated pregnancy, I just don't discuss it with my colleagues). Apparently I was being racist in saying that when a person has a mixture of races they are often interesting looking and it's hard to pin down where their heritage stems from. Now the only comment other than the above that I made about race, was that it's interesting that our child could look white, black, or somewhere in between and that I'm just really curious to know. I thought this was a fairly obvious remark. It was a really brief conversation and didn't really progress from what I've said above. I think I ended it with 'I don't care what my baby looks like as they'll be beautiful to me regardless'.

Now I'm not usually one to confront about things like this as I'm quite thick skinned and am not usually bothered, but I'm not happy with being called racist and would be furious if I was referred to as that again (I feel pretty furious as it is). The person who told me this has asked that I don't say anything, which I never understand - why tell me if I can't respond to it?

AIBU to think I really need to speak to this person face to face as I am so confused as to how I could possibly have offended her? I am no racist and have no idea how to approach her about this. Am I overreacting?

Some white people think it's not on to even mention skin colour. The same ones who say they "don't see colour". Could it be that?

Oh ffs! Why are you giving this misguided person headspace? You must have a lot of time on your hands. Your comment about mixed race people looking more interesting was just bizarre, tbh the whole conversation sounds pointless.

Blue what a shame that you feel like that. There's no shame in calling a black person black or an Asian person Asian (for example). It's fact! People are very quick to raise eyebrows at things which really are not offensive.

If the other person said that, then they are the one being racist. Because they are basically saying because you are mixed race you shouldn’t be allowed to openly ponder what your child might look like.

All parents do that. Would she have been offended if one of two white parents pondered if their child would have the blonde hair of their father or the red hair of their mother, or take after a tall or short parent? Probably not, so her thinking you discussing the same type of thing is unacceptable because your child will be mixed race is overtly racist because they’re demanding your behaviour be different purely because of your race.

I would have massive doubts over anybody who passed on this sort of hurtful info for no reason though, and would treat it with a huge pinch of salt.

drs she actually wasn't white but interesting that you presumed that!

agent I didn't say 'more' interesting. I said SOME mixed race people are interesting looking as it's extremely difficult to pin down their heritage. I don't see any harm in finding that intriguing. People have been intrigued by my background my whole life, I've never found that bizarre.

I'm giving it head space because I'm not comfortable with being referred to as racist, if this is in fact what was said.

I think that's damaging. Feeling as though I can't talk about race because I may offend someone with my non-racist conversation?

This. The current fashion for virtue signalling and leaping to offence is toxic. It does nothing to address real problems like racism.

I was going to say what @TacoFlavouredKisses said

That’s ridiculous. My child is mixed race and my new babies will be mixed race - my partner and I have had a similar conversation. I’ve also mused on how DS looks white in some lights and Asian in others. It’s not disrespectful to acknowledge someone’s ethnic mix.

I’d also be pretty offended if someone called me racist OP, yanbu

Agent if you were told you'd been called a racist would you give this headspace?

I probably wouldn’t confront her as it will end up making trouble for the person who told you. I would think she was ridiculous and misguided and just try and forget about it. I discussed this topic with colleagues when I was pregnant as my partner has mixed heritage. Everyone seemed interested and no one took offence.

mumma part of me thinks she made the trouble for herself by telling me... but I get your point!

She sounds a bit mad. I went to school with a mixed race family with one black parent and one white parent. The three girls were so different. I can't imagine not being interested. Genetics are fascinating.

Bloody hell how frustrating. As two white parents we would talk about how ds wouldn look. Would he have the red gene that exdp had in his beard, or my dark coloured eyes etc. All parents naturally wonder what their baby will look like. Just because your wondered about skin colour etc doesn't make you racist.

snow well exactly. But I'm not allowed to talk about the race aspect. I guess I just hate that we are made to feel so awkward when talking about heritages and ethnicities. What is so wrong with talking about the fact that 'our child may look like this, because of this' - it's a factual statement but because the word 'black' or 'mixed' was included it's suddenly a crime. Either way, one of my colleagues has seen this as some sort of racist remark..

Is the person who allegedly called you racist a POC? As a white woman myself, I can’t see anything wrong in discussing skin colour, or potential skin colour of a baby. I tend to think POC are infinitely more qualified than me, though, to identify racism.

Was the person you've been told has complained a black woman by any chance?

Some people just want to be offended tbh. I’m in a very similar relationship and quite openly wonder with my friends/family what our children will look like. It’s a fact of life that there are different races, just as there are different hair colours, eye colours, nose shapes (even within the same races). You’re not discussing the validity of different races just how will your genes combine in your child which is a natural curiosity.

kolo she is black. I believe she has Nigerian heritage.

She also hates the term POC and I've heard her discuss this before. That one I understand though - we all have a colour (not the point though!) - it's the only time actually that I've heard her discuss race!

summer see my last post.

Why do you phrase it like that? Out of curiosity?

It's not racist, if you had two white parents where dad had white blonde hair and mum has dark brown, would it be an issue?

This is madness, DH and I have been talking about whether baby will 'inherit the ginge' (my side) or will be super tall (his side) , it's natural to be curious that's why people have 4d scans to see what baby will look like. You're just curious on terms of how your heritage and DPs will be represented in your child, how is that racist? Unless you said I hope he/she doesn't get any of DPs Caucasian features, which from your post I'm pretty sure you didn't

Ignore your colleague who is clearly barking!

On a related note, should your child have any areas of darker pigmentation, be sure to let any care givers know. A friend arrived to collect her child from nursery and was ushered into a room where she was questioned. A social worker who was brought in fortunately knew that it was totally normal for a mixed race child to have darker areas on their back and that they were not bruises. She now has this documented in all settings so that teachers and so on know that this is not a sign of abuse.

Ooh I had assumed she was! DD is mixed race but not African in origin and people seem unwilling to talk about it even saying when she was younger "but she's not that dark". Like we could pretend she wasn't?

Glad you can see where I was coming from. It all boils down to colourism really - if the colleague that said this to you has been on the receiving side of the negative effects of colourism, that’s probably the reason why she took offence. She probably (incorrectly) lumped you down as ‘one of those’ people.