to not understand how I could possibly be perceived as racist?

[MissFranklin]

First mn post but have been an avid reader for a while now.

Me and DP are expecting our first baby. Was at work last week discussing what our child might look like with a colleague. It was a very interesting conversation as I am mixed race (Caucasian and Afro-Caribbean) and DP is white. I have dark Afro hair, green eyes and fairly dark brown skin. DP has dead straight, blonde hair, blue eyes and very pale skin. I find it interesting thinking about what our child may look like (I'm sure the majority of parents to be wonder about this at some point during their pregnancies).

Apparently, a colleague of mine was offended by this conversation. Felt that I was focussing on the race of my child too much and what he/she will look like, and didn't seem at all interested in whether my baby was healthy (this is not the case, of course that is the most important thing to me and I've actually had a very complicated pregnancy, I just don't discuss it with my colleagues). Apparently I was being racist in saying that when a person has a mixture of races they are often interesting looking and it's hard to pin down where their heritage stems from. Now the only comment other than the above that I made about race, was that it's interesting that our child could look white, black, or somewhere in between and that I'm just really curious to know. I thought this was a fairly obvious remark. It was a really brief conversation and didn't really progress from what I've said above. I think I ended it with 'I don't care what my baby looks like as they'll be beautiful to me regardless'.

Now I'm not usually one to confront about things like this as I'm quite thick skinned and am not usually bothered, but I'm not happy with being called racist and would be furious if I was referred to as that again (I feel pretty furious as it is). The person who told me this has asked that I don't say anything, which I never understand - why tell me if I can't respond to it?

AIBU to think I really need to speak to this person face to face as I am so confused as to how I could possibly have offended her? I am no racist and have no idea how to approach her about this. Am I overreacting?

Shes bloody ludicrus and thats not the definition of racism at all.

On a side note genetics are wonderful and beautiful and worth fun chats.

My best friend is mixed race as is her husband and we often discussed what we thought her babies would look like. Turms out they are both paler than their parents. Both have bright blue eyes. One has straight blonde hair and the other has loose curly black hair. Both utterly gorgeous but so different to their parents and each other. 😍

Hi op am mixed race too and I share your frustrations at not being able to talk it through with the woman making the accusation. Clearly as you and others identify there are issues with mixed race fetishisation and colourism. But if she has concerns about that she hasn't given you the chance to talk it out/clear it up. Not having a dialogue about these sorts of things creates and perpetuates divides and hinders understanding. It also makes people feel they have to watch their language rather than challenge/be challenged which can only be a bad thing

Glad I started this thread as it's really quite interesting!

What a batshit thing to be accused of in your situation.

I find genealogy fascinating and even DH and I with our rather similar range of options (same skin tone, same hair colour, same build, same eye colour, same height range etc) have produced two utterly different children who barely look related.

Speculating on the myriad possibilities your baby's chromosome mix will be is perfectly natural and not remotely racist. I'd make a complaint about the accusation. Slandering your name is not acceptable.

Friends husband is hispanic/i cant actually remember his other heritage is but he has lovely dark golden coloured skin. Black hair and black eyes. Best friend is half african half white british. Both kids look so different its adorable.

My familybare sami/white british and our genetics are really a mixed bag. Some of us look very asian some of us dont at all.

lolly agreed. There comes a point where if you even so much as say something positive about a mixed race person's features you are fetishising when actually you're offering a compliment. There's a fine line. I've also felt before a sense of not being allowed to feel proud of my mixed (not completely white, or blank) features because of such perceived fetishisation (can you fetishise yourself?). It's hard to know where you slot in sometimes as a mixed race person (application forms for example but that's another issue!(

Someone said to (at?) me in London that they'd 'love to fuck a lighty like me' - I understand what it's like to be fetishised. It's upsetting, and quite damaging/demeaning. I could never partake in it, regardless of the form.

*black, not blank. Doh!

It's funny, that my conversation was misconstrued as racist (strange?) but said colleague openly used the term 'half-caste' in the office. Completely irrelevant but she's definitely not that clued up when it comes to what is racist and what's not.

Oh ‘half-caste’ is definitely racist. When I was a teenager my friends and I used to use this term as we didn’t know it’s origin - I learned where it came from at uni and was horrified!

Yanbu op. She sounds like a virtue signaller as pp said. She has no right to talk down to you or accuse you of racism because your talking about your own baby. How old is she? Half caste is a really old term isnt it? There was a poem about why it was a horrid phrase to use.
I also ask because could she be jealous your pregnant and trying to knock you down a peg?

How ridiculous! Of course you weren’t being racist.
It IS exciting when you mix races wondering what your child is going to look like! You have nothing to explain about or apologise for.

shes offended? get over it

Ah well thinking my DS who is elder is white, DD is mixed and DH is white. In fact they are both adopted but you can see people itching to jump to conclusions.

This reminds me of a conversation my DS has with his (stupid) teacher about DP’s disability. The stupid teacher immediately shut down the conversation for fear of it being offensive. In doing so, she was herself being offensive.
it’s absolutely normal for any parent to think about what their unborn child will look like and if you throw different races into the mix it becomes even more exciting! Best of luck to you OP.

Maybe it's the circles you're mixing in OP? My black and white friends and family accept us all and I haven't heard the terms half or quarter caste since the 90s.

petrol easier said then done when you've been accused of racism and there are potentially some quite serious and important issues to be addressed (such as those interestingly discussed on this thread). Though I'm sure I will be 'over it' in good time

Imthink larrythecat;probably,goes to,the heart of the objection

It's completely normal to wonder what your baby is going to look like - don't worry.

People have been fed so many fake stories (blackboards banned/no asking for black coffee/no singing baa baa black sheep) by people with a very divisive agenda that they've lost sight of what racism actually is.

I'd say there's 3 possible explanations:

• the colleague who told you is shit stirring.
• the 'accuser' is being a ridiculous knob.
• the 'accuser' is maybe struggling to conceive or has recently miscarried & on hearing your conversation was thinking she wouldn't care what her baby looks like, she just wants one (I might be projecting a tiny bit there!).

Either way it shouldn't be your problem!

Well thanks to everyone who commented. Really interesting thread. Think I'm just going to say 'really sorry if I offended you in any way. I'd really like to talk about it so I can ease your mind and hopefully explain what I said' - something like that... let's see what happens!

She was definitely being ridiculous. The only thing I wonder is, as it took place at work, is she the type to make a complaint against you? As silly as it sounds I have heard of pettyness like this at my work so it wouldn't surprise me. This person is someone I'd avoid at all costs. Enjoy ur pregnancy, she must be jealous!

jlo I have no idea. She's more than welcome to. I don't think it would get very far considering how many people witnessed the conversation.

I think her response will either be 1) something to do with your use of the word "interesting" to describe the looks of a mixed race child as pps have said, or 2) it'll be her own uncomfortableness with mixed race relationships coming out in a warped way. There's still a lot of negativity towards these sorts of relationships from all quarters of the world, sadly, and it comes out in little ways like this.

barbie oh yes. I hate being told I'm in an interracial relationship, as if it is unusual. I like to refer to it as simply 'a relationship'

We've had this exact thread before