To think kids shouldn’t be rewarded for good school reports with presents?

[Ellafruit1]

Both sets of grandparents have said they want to buy DS, age 5, a present for getting a good school report.

I’ve told them both I feel this is an unhealthy message to give to DS, and that he doesn’t need more stuff anyway and his bedroom is overflowing with toys. (Birthday last month and I need to clear out!)

It makes me feel like the grandparents don’t have any faith in themselves that them saying well done wouldn’t be enough in itself and they have to buy DS’s affection.

Plus privately I’m thinking he’s 5 FFS - in reception they just have to play and learn phonics and maths. It’s not like it takes any great conscious effort on DS’s part. I could sort of understand something like going out for a meal to celebrate GSCEs or A Levels when he’s older. And if he ever got a bad school report I’d want him to understand that as long as he’s tried his best that’s what counts, not that what some arbitrary g’mnet scoring system says matters.

I know IANBU to feel the way I do, it’s just my opinion, but just wondered way others thought in the interest of balance!

Not being funny but we got f*ck all from both sides of our family for the majority of our lives from age 7 onwards, most of the time living with very little and with the family still having nothing to do with us now. Recently we weren't told about our grandmother dying and we were left out of the obituary, i didnt even get a card for my birthdays from my own father so appreciate anything you get for your boy......

We treated our girls, but made it clear that the parts of the report that made us so proud and wanted to treat them were the "kind, helpful, poilte, understanding, always tries hard" as I want them to feel good about being decent people and that others notice that they're kind etc.

Had a day out (which we were planning on anyway) and they each got to choose an ice cream while out. Don't need more crap in the house.

Could the grandparents reward with an experience/trip to park and an ice cream etc rather than "stuff"?

We go out for a meal to a restaurant that the DCs like.

DS (7) looks like he has dyslexia. He still makes errors when writing his name. I'm bloody proud of the effort that he puts in, whether it's the areas where he has strengths (exceeds in maths despite his numbers being jumbled) or the sheer difficulty of putting words on a page. I cop the frustration bursting out at home, the build up to SATs was like the middle of the terrible twos, but that's the price of the effort that he puts in to school where he works hard, attends extra interventions and is a pleasant, well mannered member of his class. That self discipline sometimes breaks down at home.

I haven't had their reports yet, but I've had no issues with DS (5). When I've been in his classroom to do reading, he's always sat nicely so I'm optomistic. He is the type who could choose to be "lively" and "spirited" in his quest to seek attention and I haven't had any rumblings about that side of him leaking out.

They are young, but they deserve acknowledgement for the positive choices they make at school.

Don't be so miserable, there is nothing wrong with rewarding hard work and good attitude.

Well, I'm a bit mixed on this as it depends on the context.

Did I reward mine for doing well in spelling tests, reading tests, etc. when they were in primary school. No way - I wanted them to take pride in their achievement.
Did I reward them for passing a swimming level (generally coincided with a term)? No - £1 to spend in the vending machines I spent the rest of the time saying no to because it was the end of term and they'd worked hard.
Did I reward them for SATs results? No - 1 was during a year they boycotted, 1 was run-of-the-mill, 1 was under huge pressure due to school being in special measures and she was one of the able kids. Did they get a treat for the immense pressure they were under? Yes- because it was unusual circumstances.

GCSE's and A levels have been celebrated but not rewarded.

I think that's the key difference - some achievements are to be celebrated but not necessarily rewarded.

I teach Reception and whilst it absolutely is mainly learning through play, to achieve any kind of lovely report your little one would have worked hard and thought about his behaviour and made conscious choices as to how to handle himself.

You'd be surprised how many Reception-age children just can't share, sit calmly, listen to others, take turns in a game or conversation, follow a school rule or show empathy towards others. You'd also be surprised how many make poor choices when they see another child making a poor choice; they can be a little like sheep at that age.

Reward him with his GP's time and energy; a game of cricket at a bbq, a day out bike riding, a trip to a special ice cream parlour, something he's more likely to remember. Don't underestimate how hard he will have worked since September, though. We ask a lot of them in Reception, and he sounds as though he deserves recognition.

I would much prefer to take a grandchild to a book shop or just out for the 1-1 time with an ice creaming the park.

It's the material reward that can be a slippery slope as expectations go up and up.

If you don't want material things is there something the gp's could do with him? For example, my mum took dd out for grown up 'tea' and cake. Then they went to the local playground and spent an hour before getting an ice cream and walking home. My dd loved it (age 5 at the time). My mum loved it because they had some really nice quality time together :-)

In a way I think any excuse to treat kids is a good one and I got much worse as a granddad.

Still, you might want to emphasise that any reward is for trying hard not for succeeding. If you have two kids and both try hard you can't only reward the one that has the most ability can you.

My 5 year old DGS also has far too many toys and books so no I won't be rewarding him for doing well in his first year at school. When he's older I'll give him a small amount of money for his piggy bank.

My dad always took me to buy a book for these kinds of things. He was all about encouraging me to read (which I love) and he felt it wasn't too extravagant and was still an "educational" reward. I think I would do the same

Daily mail picked it up

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-5958055/Mother-says-rewarding-five-year-old-son-good-school-report-unhealthy-message.html

I thought the good report is the reward for the hard work...

My kids find school effortless and fun but we celebrate that another school year is over and we're all doing well. It just feels right to go out for dinner. We definitely do the reading out of the report and showing the reports to grandparents. But I feel that the celebration is more about reaching another milestone.

I can see rewards being a good excuse for kids to do well when they are under peer pressure to look 'cool' and not try at school. They can tell their friends they are doing it for the money so they can save face.

We'll cross that bridge when it comes to it!

Wonder if this is a real post or if OPs objective to be in the papers has come true? Either way I wish Daily Mail would report actual news rather than this stuff

No I’m utterly mortified. Thought this was a good place to get a range of opinions. I’m never posting on Mumsnet again.

I agree with you OP. YANBU. children shouldn't be doing things because they expect reward. It is a bad precedent to set. He should get praise but not reward.

I think rewarding good reports is fine, as long as your definition of 'good' is good behaviour and effort and not results.
This ^^. Reward the effort not the outcome. A child who gets an A with no effort doesn't deserve more than a child who slogs like mad to get a C - quite the opposite. And I'd agree with non-material rewards like days out or a meal.

Not rtft but as the mum of academic kids be careful of rewarding grades. They get to the " anything less than A* is really a failure " state soon enough by themselves,and the thought that they might miss a treat too winds this up.
Reward effort all time though. E.g. Go for a meal after the 11+ to reward the effort of study and exam, not when the results letter arrives.

YADNBU it’s overkill

My DS10 has asd and school is something he struggles with, he’s made tremendous progress so why wouldn’t I reward him, he has an amazing report and is excelling at certain subjects. My DD she’s also in reception and has a very good report. I want to know how I’ve brung up my children is paying off in school. We reward them with money (£5) so they can spend as they please which this year will be extra holiday spending money 😊

If he is the only child, then yes, it is fine, but if he was not, and the others for whatever reason got not so good ones, than it would be unfair. For example both my dcs have SN and they try really hard. Ds6 got a report in which he was below expectations, despite trying really hard. If I had a child who got a brilliant report and ds with his report, I could not treat them differently. It depends on the situation.

You are opening the door to having both sets of grandparents scrutinising the reports, making comment on them and what happens if DC has a difficult year? or a teacher who makes an adverse comment, no present?
Having had my own school reports read out at the table by extended family in comedy voices and general discussion on my progress by all and sunday. I beg you not to start along this route. School reports should just be between you and your child and teacher and no one else
Far better that they give him a present to celebrate the end of another school year, because he's their grandchild, and because they love him. whatever happens at school. That's it.

*sundry not Sunday lol

DS in reception also got a good report - mostly emerging or on target though, but generally good and better than I expected as he is a shitbag at home. He'll be getting a reward because good behaviour/results should be rewarded and praised. He won't be getting anything extravagant, something like a trip to the cinema or treat food, it hardly spoils them for doing well, especially in their first year of school.