To think kids shouldn’t be rewarded for good school reports with presents?

[Ellafruit1]

Both sets of grandparents have said they want to buy DS, age 5, a present for getting a good school report.

I’ve told them both I feel this is an unhealthy message to give to DS, and that he doesn’t need more stuff anyway and his bedroom is overflowing with toys. (Birthday last month and I need to clear out!)

It makes me feel like the grandparents don’t have any faith in themselves that them saying well done wouldn’t be enough in itself and they have to buy DS’s affection.

Plus privately I’m thinking he’s 5 FFS - in reception they just have to play and learn phonics and maths. It’s not like it takes any great conscious effort on DS’s part. I could sort of understand something like going out for a meal to celebrate GSCEs or A Levels when he’s older. And if he ever got a bad school report I’d want him to understand that as long as he’s tried his best that’s what counts, not that what some arbitrary g’mnet scoring system says matters.

I know IANBU to feel the way I do, it’s just my opinion, but just wondered way others thought in the interest of balance!

This is all about setting your DS for good behaviour and effort at school in future. A reward for a good report now will motivate him to carry on doing well at school. What's wrong with that? Establish good habits and positive feelings about school at an early age, and hopefully your DS will continue to do well. Belittle his achievements and demonstrate that you don't think much of a good report and what is that going to achieve?

I rewarded ds3 (yr 1) with a comic and an ice cream and paid for him to download the Peter Rabbit film on Sky. He had a lovely school report describing him as "caring" and "hardworking". These are things that I wanted to reward, so i did.

Op everyone seems to agree its OK but I have been on these threads in the past and it's been frowned on!

I have always offered magazine or sweets or what she chooses from the those. I agree with the other posters that there is nothing much wrong with it. But for this it was low key reward.

We gave her larger rewards when she was acknowledged for excellent work by school though. Giving an incentive is really important.

We bought both our dc a present for their excellent reports in the last few weeks. Both got a box set of book series they like. Neither were expecting a reward. It's just a nice way of saying well done. We are not generally big spenders and do not spoil our dc or buy them lots of stuff. I genuinely don't see what is wrong with it, OP.

We don't reward good grades with presents mine are 14&16 and we never have - we appraise them for doing well and when dd gets her gcse results this August no matter the outcome we'll go out for cake (her choice)

I think presents is a bit of a step too far but a small gift such as letting them choose a book to buy is a nice and gives them a reward without being over the top.

My daughter got her school report last week and I just got her an ice cream. She was in a show today and did really well so I took her to a book shop and let her choose a book. She's happy with that.

Ask for Book Tokens! Make books he can pick out a reward! Win win!

Ds2 (Ye 6) was rewarded for an amazing set of SATS results, and a great end of year/end of primary report. He’s not an academic child, he’s very sporty and so he often rushes through schoolwork, and usually scrapes by, but he’s changed his attitude this year, and worked his arse off. I’m happy to reward that so he got £5 and his choice of dinner this evening.

Similarly dd (Yr 3) had a great end of year report, the highlight of which was her teacher saying how kind, warm and empathetic she’s been towards her classmates this year. For us the highlight of the report wasn’t graded, it was how lovely she’s been this year that we were most proud of. That needs acknowledging, so she got £5 and a trip to the outdoor pool with one of her friends.

Ds1 was rewarded for a great mid year report with the new hockey stick he’d been coveting.

It’s not all about grades, it’s about attitude, them trying and being decent kids that we reward.

This year's school report is such an improvement on the last couple, and DS2 has obviously put a lot of work into improving his behaviour and writing (His academic progress has always been above average) that I would feel very mean for not rewarding him in some way.

Hard work deserves recognition.

I think rewarding good reports is fine, as long as your definition of 'good' is good behaviour and effort and not results.

So in Reception it shouldn't be for getting 'exceeded' it should be for 'XX is a polite well behaved boy who always tries his best'

Reception isn't just about learning phonics and to count it's all the other bits and pieces in between, learning to be a good friend etc.

DD always gets a reward for the end of the year, this year she's getting a fountain pen, last year it was a book of her choice.

I don't necessarily agree to a financial prize attached to grades as some parents do as their child gets older. £10 for an A*/ 9, £9 for an A/8. But a gift for overall attitude and good effort is a nice motivator.

I agree with you OP, I believe it's important to foster intrinsic motivation, rather than extrinsic. Have a look at 'Punished by Rewards' by Alfie Kohn, if you haven't already. That said, I wouldn't judge anyone else for doing it, and I'd probably let it go / just be appreciative if the grandparents want to buy him something, so long as they don't make it into a huge / conditional thing.

When I passed my Grammar school entrance exam (way back in 1978!) my next door neighbour's bought me a lovely fountain pen. My mum and dad didn't buy me anything, because they said I had already been rewarded by getting a place at a good school. They were right.

I teach Y2, but had to cover the Y6 teacher this week on ther day the SATs results came out. Most had been promised a considerable reward if they 'got good grades'. I'm sure most of them worked hard, but they couldn't see that success is their reward and wanted a new phone instead.

Sorry for apostrophe and typos. I should have proof read my post

Reward his good report. Maybe it will teach your son that good behaviour and hard work brings him rewards, and he’ll go on to succeed in life. Rather than those brats that throw a tantrum at 21 because their degree in art doesn’t get them the first job they apply for (CEO of the Tate modern with zero experience). After getting “best trier” medals for every school sports day and consolation prizes from pass the parcel at every party.

My parents paid me for every A* GCSE grade I got. I don't agree with that at all now, but it damn well made sure I got them at the time!

Plus I don’t see a point in posting an AIBU if you are adamant that you aren’t

Because these are my feelings about it in the moment of posting, but I’m interested in other opinions and may change my mind in future. I wanted the discussion of AIBU, maybe I should have posted in chat but I didn’t think about it that deeply!

Some children respond in huge way to just being told their good others need tangible things

This is interesting, thanks. Reminds me of ‘love languages’. I guess in my child I see him sniffing around grandparents’ bags for presents before acknowledging them when they visit and I don’t like to see that behaviour in him - they’ve set up an expectation that they will always bring presents for any old event, so this time, when they’ve asked in advance, I’ve said how I feel.

It’s not at all that I want to downplay achievement or want to be mean, I just question why receiving attention, praise, an ‘I’m really proud of you, well done’ and his own satisfaction from having enjoyed the year at school can’t be enough, and wonder why everything these days has to revolve around material things whether gifts, days out, holidays. I read DS’s report out to him a few times as he got a lot pleasure from hearing his teachers’ nice comments and I praised him. I’ve also praised him every time he’s brought home a certificate for good behaviour or said he’s been moved up the reward chart at school. I don’t think that’s mean, it’s just not a material response. It’s not as black and white as gift = praise and no gift = no praise.

Thank you because the discussion is clarifying things for me. Having been brought up in a family where I didn’t matter it’s interesting to see what other families celebrate.

Reception isn't just about learning phonics and to count it's all the other bits and pieces in between, learning to be a good friend etc.

Yes agree with that and perhaps I was a bit flippant in my summary of it. Although all of those surrounding skills are also part of general life, not just school.

thehairyhog thanks for the recommendation

I think it’s healthiier to work for your own satisfaction than for external reward, whether money or presents

To a certain degree - but I'll be buggered if I'm going to slog my guts out and not get rewarded appropriately for it. Next you'll be telling Usain bolt he should be running for the love of it and not collecting gold medals.

A little more fostering success is what this country needs rather than the its-the-taking-part-that-counts mind set.

@Ellafruit1

I don’t think I’ve ever been rewarded for anything in my life. My parents weren’t that way inclined. No ‘I’m proud of you’ ever. My friend said it to me this week and I bawled my eyes out! Let people praise your son, it won’t do him any harm, I’d buy my kids a “well done” present if I had the cash, nothing extravagant but something they’d like.

There’s some evidence that rewards are not great motivators in the long term and it is better to try and emphasize internal motivation (e.g. by asking how they feel about having done well) to encourage long term self-motivation.

Having said that we celebrate successful reports with our kids and always have. We go out for a meal to a favourite restaurant rather than buying them stuff and we try and emphasise that it’s about them celebrating that they’ve tried hard rather than us rewarding them. Our intention is to instill a sense of value for education and trying our best. So far it seems to be working but we haven’t hit the difficult years for this yet.

I understand the dislike for getting some sort of present as “payment” for a good report (and the slight despair at the thought of yet another toy cluttering up the house!). But I also understand why grandparents might want to do this. Could you suggest a celebratory meal instead? One your DC would enjoy, whether that’s a picnic in the park or a Sunday roast at place with soft play? And emphasise to him that you are all celebrating how much he’s put into school this year?

My kids get rewarded for good behaviour. Sometimes they get presents just because. I don’t see how that’s harmful.

I don't reward results, I reward effort. So if the report is full of how he has put good effort on, is always polite and helpful etc, then a trip to the cinema or the zoo or a farm is in order.
My youngest has just completed GCSEs and was rewarded with an all expenses tour of her 3 favourite Italian cities, already completed. And I mean all expenses, blimey no Autumn wardrobe for me. It was because of the effort she put in with her revision, overcoming her anxiety, organising herself throughout. Hoping for good results, but if they don't materialise it won't be for lack of trying and that's important to me.

My dgc had wonderful reports and we gave them £10 each for extra pocket money. They are 9 and 11 and the older one has improved so much on last year we just wanted to say,”Well Done lads!”
Why not?

What if one had got a bad report thegreylady?