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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think kids shouldn’t be rewarded for good school reports with presents?

154 replies

Ellafruit1 · 15/07/2018 18:07

Both sets of grandparents have said they want to buy DS, age 5, a present for getting a good school report.

I’ve told them both I feel this is an unhealthy message to give to DS, and that he doesn’t need more stuff anyway and his bedroom is overflowing with toys. (Birthday last month and I need to clear out!)

It makes me feel like the grandparents don’t have any faith in themselves that them saying well done wouldn’t be enough in itself and they have to buy DS’s affection.

Plus privately I’m thinking he’s 5 FFS - in reception they just have to play and learn phonics and maths. It’s not like it takes any great conscious effort on DS’s part. I could sort of understand something like going out for a meal to celebrate GSCEs or A Levels when he’s older. And if he ever got a bad school report I’d want him to understand that as long as he’s tried his best that’s what counts, not that what some arbitrary g’mnet scoring system says matters.

I know IANBU to feel the way I do, it’s just my opinion, but just wondered way others thought in the interest of balance!

OP posts:
giveitfive · 15/07/2018 20:24

We have always celebrated good academic or sporting results with a family meal. For big milestones there have also been material gifts as well.... each to their own. It has worked for us. I recently passed some exams myself and was really pleased when both kids asked when we would be celebrating as a family....

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 15/07/2018 20:26

Actually rewarding achievement ahas been shown to make kids nervous of trying more difficult tasks where as rewarding effort is shown to be most beneficial. A reception school report though is silly to reward, it's down to development and age at that age and really has little baring on anything.

user546425732 · 15/07/2018 20:28

Both sets of grandparents have said they want to buy DS, age 5, a present for getting a good school report.

If they go down that route then they will be buying him a gift every year; there is no such thing as a bad school report at primary school.

BluthsFrozenBananas · 15/07/2018 20:29

I think rewards for hard work and rewards after the fact are fine, what I don’t like are rewards which are dependent on the outcome. DD asked me today if she passes the 11 plus can she have a trip to the ice cream parlour and order anything she wants (a friend of hers has been offered this). I said no, because what if she doesn’t pass, she has both the issue of not passing and the disappointment of not getting a treat.

Aragog · 15/07/2018 20:29

I don't reward attainment grades, etc. but I would (and do) reward effort. DD has recently finished her GCSEs. We still have a month or more til exam results day, but we have rewarded the amount of effort she has put into those exams, and throughout her revision over several weeks/months. Not cash in hand, but a specific item (we'd have probably eventually got it anyway, but maybe not quite yet or for a little while) and a weekend away.

DurhamBlue · 15/07/2018 20:32

If you think Reception aged children don't get bad reports, I'd love to show you the report I just got for my son. It's bad and includes lines such as 'has failed to form any friendships', 'lacks concentration', 'uses bad language', 'struggles with turn taking', 'uncooperative' and 'finds it difficult to follow simple instructions'.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 15/07/2018 20:33

I’m getting my son a gift for his end of y6 report. We never thought he’d manage to get through primary education in one piece. To have done so with excellent results in SATs and without having completely broken down deserves a bit of recognition.

Each to their own eh?

Disabrie22 · 15/07/2018 20:33

I got very good grades at school - I remember my A-levels were greeted with “oh” and nothing else. My parents were loving but they just didn’t do that stuff. We do now as it mattered to me as a child.

Halfblindbunny · 15/07/2018 20:34

I reward effort but not with a material reward but an experience and family time. This year we are going to a waterpark. I have never had to think what I would do if one of them had a bad year but I guess it would depend on the circumstamces.

user546425732 · 15/07/2018 20:38

@Durhamblue I hope that his teacher has put positive things in there as well? Sad

Whobloodyknows · 15/07/2018 20:44

Rewarding genuinely good reports is a good thing - it’s an incentive and I fully intend to do the same with my own DC

Rowgtfc72 · 15/07/2018 20:47

Dd got a glowing report and excellent sats. She's s taken part it a lot of musical events for the school this year.
We usually buy a book but this year she's having a driving lesson.
We don't reward for every occasion though.

yoyo1234 · 15/07/2018 20:51

I reward effort and if a report says anything about acting in a caring, kind or polite way really emphasize how pleased I am. When DC takes exams I reward effort and attitude with ( occasionally) rather large treats ( more than I would spend on birthdays etc) the results do not get the treat though.

DurhamBlue · 15/07/2018 20:53

@user546425732 There are some positives, but the negatives definitely outweigh the positives.

Matilda15 · 15/07/2018 20:58

DS 7 has an outstanding report (albeit with errors such as referring to him as ‘her’ and the wrong class)

He has chosen a meal at pizza express as a treat.

This has been a really tough year for him, he lost 2 grandparents and his Dad in the last 9 months yet scored excellently in his SATS (taken the week after his Dad died) he has chosen to use his grief to help other children with loss be it a pet or a grandparent and his report states he is consistently the voice of reason in other children’s falling out and has a strong sense of fairness.

I am bloody proud of him and he deserves to be rewarded.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 15/07/2018 21:05

DH has just said he'll buy both the school age DC a small present for their good reports. I won't undermine him, that's fine.

MitchDash · 15/07/2018 21:09

DurhamBlue Is it a 'bad' report or an honest one?

Personally I'm not keen on rewards for work that is supposed to be done. If I wanted to do something with or for my children it wasn't dependent on them working at school. I trusted them to work hard and they have, even with autism or dyslexia. It didn't mean they left school with qualifications either because working hard does not always mean getting good grades. But they are all at uni or finished uni because they had aims and carried on in education until they got what they needed to do their degrees.

The reward is doing what they wanted to do.

DurhamBlue · 15/07/2018 21:26

I'm not sure I understand the question. It is bad in that no one would describe it as a 'glowing report'. It's probably honest although in complete contradiction to a report sent to CAMHS when I was attempting to get a referral. School told CAMHS 'no problems'. So who knows?

Allthewaves · 15/07/2018 21:41

Could they take him to play centre/farm for afternoon out as a treat

MrsPeacockDidIt · 15/07/2018 21:50

We rewarded our DS7 for the effort part of his end of year report. He got 1’s across the board which I think deserves rewarding. He struggled with attention and excessive talking at the beginning of the year and really turned it around which I felt worth rewarding.

StripesandWings · 15/07/2018 21:57

I broadly agree with you OP (although seem to be in the minority!)

I'm cautious over too much/too easy extrinsic reward.

I might feel differently in cases where a child had really struggled with something and had worked extra hard on it (e.g. the PP whose DC had got a pen license) but it sounds like your son has just been going to school and doing well because it comes naturally to him at this stage and he enjoys it.

I think there's time enough for more tangible reward later when it will mean more to him, especially if it's based on something genuine (like improving his grade in a subject that doesn't come so naturally)

I would also be uncomfortable in your shoes that he is assuming GPs always bring presents and looking for them. So I completely understand your desire to limit gifts for a bit.

I think there are some genuine issues about rewards in some other people's approach. What if one child does really well but another doesn't? Or for those who are saying they have a big reward like a holiday. Was it genuinely linked to report? I.e. if they got a bad report, no family holiday that year? I appreciate probably not but then why day it? It could even be worrying in extreme cases e.g. for an anxious child who has a year with lots of illness or a bad teacher relationship and their report gets 'worse'... Not trying to be goady or judgy, obviously it's none of my business, just joining in the debate!

Full disclosure: my DM never gave me tangible reward for stuff, just genuine delight if I'd done well.

DSM used to reward some of her kids (my step and half siblings not me!) if they'd done well and not others. It was done in a very overt way and I thought it was awful even as a child. Perhaps that's why I feel sensitive about it

treaclesoda · 15/07/2018 21:59

I want to work in one of the workplaces mentioned here where people get rewarded for achievement. I've been in the workplace for 20 years and have never worked anywhere like that. You get your salary, that's the end of it.

treaclesoda · 15/07/2018 22:01

Posted too soon.

I've always been consciousness of not giving rewards for school reports etc as I didn't want them to get an unrealistic expectation of the world of work.

Madein1995 · 15/07/2018 22:02

Hmm speaking from my own experience I'd reward effort and not grades/work. So if he got a report where he's lacking in say reading but kind to others, yes a treat. If he's doing fab at schoolwork but not kind to others/rude etc - no treat. I also wouldn't mention it to him beforehand , make it casual eg in supermarket 'Mrs X said you've been really helpful in class so why don't you choose some sweets/smsll toy etc'

I wouldn't offer it before so he's aiming for it, and I wouldn't base it on academic achievement, more being 'good' - polite etc. If you do it after he's not been doing it to get a prize but realises that behaving well pays off.

When he's older.i wouldn't advise promising money for grades. Some of my peers got so uptight about getting as as their parents promised money/a car IF they got the grades. So damaging I think - places so much pressure on someone. My parents treated me - but for effort, not grsdesy

Kit10 · 15/07/2018 22:13

Treaclesoda

I have a bonus scheme at work.

Promotions? Higher salary.

Good annual appraisals: working your way up a pay scale, rewards of a various nature; perhaps new opportunities, responsibilities, heck even flexible working opportunities, potentially leading to promotion. Rewards come in various forms.