To think kids shouldn’t be rewarded for good school reports with presents?

[Ellafruit1]

Both sets of grandparents have said they want to buy DS, age 5, a present for getting a good school report.

I’ve told them both I feel this is an unhealthy message to give to DS, and that he doesn’t need more stuff anyway and his bedroom is overflowing with toys. (Birthday last month and I need to clear out!)

It makes me feel like the grandparents don’t have any faith in themselves that them saying well done wouldn’t be enough in itself and they have to buy DS’s affection.

Plus privately I’m thinking he’s 5 FFS - in reception they just have to play and learn phonics and maths. It’s not like it takes any great conscious effort on DS’s part. I could sort of understand something like going out for a meal to celebrate GSCEs or A Levels when he’s older. And if he ever got a bad school report I’d want him to understand that as long as he’s tried his best that’s what counts, not that what some arbitrary g’mnet scoring system says matters.

I know IANBU to feel the way I do, it’s just my opinion, but just wondered way others thought in the interest of balance!

Reward for effort, good behaviour, helping others etc. should be rewarded appropriately, reward for good academic achievement without trying not so much.

I agree that intrinsic reward is an important part of motivation, and that systematic extrinsic rewards can hinder motivation. That's why I occasionally and unexpectedly reward my children for their achievements, rather than teaching them that rewards are automatic. I think that "If you generally try hard and be good in life, nice things may sometimes happen as a result" is not a bad message. Whereas "Do this because you know you will be rewarded" is not so great.

I always celebrate and reward good reports. Why not use it as an incentive to excel?

It depends in my opinion. My mum tried it but DD’s Birthday is just a week before reports come out I felt she wouldn’t appreciate the difference, at least not when she was just 5-7.

We reward special achievements, day out for pen licence which was a big thing for DD, musical tickets for end of SATS, again, DD work hard, regardless of the outcome, we celebrated her achievements in the mocks as she had improved significantly.

But not for “just” the school report.

OP, our thinking is very much like yours. Weve never given a material reward and DD1 has just done sats. We praise them, talk to them, and recognise their improvement/progress/achievements (we couldn’t hand out praise just for “good grades” in this household, with DCs of quite differing academic abilities). We’ll also discuss the “could improve” parts as well (does that make us total downers?). But they’re pleased that we’re pleased IYSWIM

As far as grandparents go... they all have differing approaches. But if some wanted to give “treats”, I don’t think we’d object. I think the emphasis and attitude we keep at home should hopefully keep the DCs from thinking effort requires a material reward.

Totally get the frustration at the endless STUFF as well we’ve had to have a word with the DCs about ungratefulness, but it’s gotta be quite hard to appreciate worth when they’re drooooowning in STUFF.

Wow this is so different to how I grew up. In our house you feared a bollocking for a bad report. Good report was respected, although some.of my peers did get money for good GCSEs.

(I'm not saying our way was right btw!)

*expected, although respected too I suppose!

My DS (5) got a toy and a trip to the cinema for his good report. He really struggled on starting reception as he didn’t know a single other child, was slightly developmentally behind and prone to giving up if he didn’t understand things first time round. He had a younger brother come along a month later, then our dog died, then his beloved grandma died so his life has been a bit turbulent this year. His report states that he is loveable, has lots of friends in his year and throughout the school, has a strong sense of right and wrong and a passion for books and learning. Above all else, he has found a determination to succeed and will try hard. Damn right he got a reward!

YANBU kids these days get rewarded wayyyy too much ie reward charts, pocket money for doing chores and now they get prizes and presents for doing well. Bad behaviour followed by good behaviour always gets a lot of treats and it's very negative for future development otherwise they will demand stuff for doing well when life isn't like that!

We let grandparents treat and give nice rewards and presents.
Why not? The kids have happy memories of being spoiler rotten by them.
It never occurred to us to over think it.

I’m in Scotland so things may be different here.

EVERY SINGLE CHILD in primary school gets a positive report. There is a huge art to report writing. The absolutely strongest you will ever see on a report is “ Tommy needs to work on his sharing skills”.

What that actually means is that Tommy punches and kicks every child that tries to join in a game with him.... but no-one in allowed to say that.

I cried huge drippy snotty tears seeing the parents of the child who bullied my - and many others- posting on social media “ Just taking Susie to ToysRUs as she has had such a stunning report”.

Secondary reports actually mean something. Primary reports are positive for EVERY CHILD. Essentially all it means - especially to grandparents- is that Johnnie came to school.

Mine get a reward for effort and results on of reports. No difference than getting a bonus at work for hitting a target. Nobody turns those down saying they were just doing what they should.

We don't do big rewards for School Reports - but we always did get takeout/go out for a meal after good Parents Evenings. They might wrangle £10 or £20 after a report! But then our DC are older, I don't suppose your five year old wants money.

I don't see anything wrong with rewarding children for doing well. Maybe a day out if you don't want more toys in the house?

Bathsheba
I totally agree as do all the primary teachers I know
C is a very lively child- never sets on his chair
Y always has a lot to say for himself - never shuts up
Etc

You're mean. It's performance related pay. I think it's kind to reward hard work. I really can't think of a reason why not to reward them.

Do you know anything of child development op?

It sounds worryingly like your DC would have to manage a major achievement before getting beyond basic praise.

Yet there's a lot of research that to balance every negative comment requires (I think) 3 positive comments?

Plus what do you think wages, promotions, certificates of award are? Adults need reward as motivation for their achievements, why should children be any different?

Were your parents tough on you?

You're also being completely dismissive of any effort your child has made. Why? Do you think it's too easy for him?

Learning IS hard work, I well remember how exhausted my dd and my dn's were after school at that stage.

"I think it’s healthiier to work for your own satisfaction" how much do you earn? Would you really be happy to work at the same level of effort but only receive as much money as you NEED (for basics like food) - regardless of how many hours or level of effort? Come off it!

You can address his burgeoning materialism without not rewarding him. Rewards can be time spent doing a favourite activity with favourite people too.

Quite a few of my friends had cash for grades deals when we were kids. I never understood it but I was pretty self motivated and did well. I think you just do what works so I wouldn’t rule it out if I end up having to do more hands on motivation with my kids.

I liked school and tried my best but was bullied for that, so while good results were their own reward, I probably did need a fair amount of positive reinforcement from home as I would just try to keep my results as quiet as possible at school. I wouldn’t have said it was a huge deal at the time, but I still try to hide accomplishments and hate being the centre of attention so it must have had a big effect on me.

I always got a book as a present at the end of the school year. I do the same with my daughter, we do something special on the last day after picking her up or give her a book as a present. It’s to mark the end of the school year rather. Her report is far from the best but she works really really hard, I know this and I want to acknowledge this.
Your DS had his first year at school, it’s a big change in his life. GPs proud of him and want recognize his achievements. I think it’s really nice. They could take him somewhere for a day out, buy him a book. Don’t overthink it.

I don't think it needs rewarding any more than saying well done. But I am a big fan of giving treats just because, so I'd say to the grandparents that they could take him out for an ice cream or send a comic or something to enjoy over the summer holidays, without it being a 'reward' for a good report.

DD's reports are always glowing, as she tries 100% at everything, always. DS's have always been somewhat iffy, to say the least.
However, this year every teacher in every subject has commented on how much effort he has put in, and how hard he is trying, so we will be rewarding that. It's the effort that is important to us- he can get As with his eyes closed, with no effort whatsoever. It has really impressed us how he has pulled up his socks.

My favourite is

“Susie is confident in speaking to adults”

Susie interrupts the teacher constantly.

Of course every single parent (and grandparent) thinks every child has an amazing report.

depends what you’re rewading? I don’t reward grades, my kids don’t know what their grades are (primary age). I do reward their hard work and effort, though. My 7 yo’s Repot said he was kind and considerate and polite and always worked hard. I told him I was really proud of that and he chose a treat. My 9 yo gets his report tomorrow.

A reward for something done well is a good idea and can be a good incentive for children and adults. I understand about not wanting any more stuff though so I'd agree that a trip out with the grandparents would be nice for both of them.

My DS suffers with very high anxiety and is on the spectrum. He rarely gets rewards for anything at school, but over the past few years he has really improved his focus in class and has started really putting effort into his work (med free), when before he was so anxious about getting stuff wrong he would run out of time before even starting the task.

From being behind in almost every subject, he is now on target for all but 2 (maths and PE), and he has got the highest marks for effort across the board.

Psychologically it is better to reward the effort than the achievement (so saying "Wow, you must have worked hard on that!" Vs. "Wow, you're so clever!"), and even though he hasn't passed his maths SAT by only a few marks, he has worked his arse off to do as well as he did.

He is SO getting a reward for his hard work. From me, and from his grandparents. And we make it abundantly clear to him that hard work is the key, no matter what the outcome.

My dd got a trip to Disneyland last year as a good report reward! I’m not going to match that this year (also haven’t had report yet but I know it will be good....).she will get a treat if it is though. Build a bear or something else a bit ££ she doesn’t get every day, I’ll let her choose within reason.

I don’t think it’s right or wrong to reward for a good report, it’s up to you what you want to do but don’t judge others for doing something different.