To think kids shouldn’t be rewarded for good school reports with presents?

[Ellafruit1]

Both sets of grandparents have said they want to buy DS, age 5, a present for getting a good school report.

I’ve told them both I feel this is an unhealthy message to give to DS, and that he doesn’t need more stuff anyway and his bedroom is overflowing with toys. (Birthday last month and I need to clear out!)

It makes me feel like the grandparents don’t have any faith in themselves that them saying well done wouldn’t be enough in itself and they have to buy DS’s affection.

Plus privately I’m thinking he’s 5 FFS - in reception they just have to play and learn phonics and maths. It’s not like it takes any great conscious effort on DS’s part. I could sort of understand something like going out for a meal to celebrate GSCEs or A Levels when he’s older. And if he ever got a bad school report I’d want him to understand that as long as he’s tried his best that’s what counts, not that what some arbitrary g’mnet scoring system says matters.

I know IANBU to feel the way I do, it’s just my opinion, but just wondered way others thought in the interest of balance!

Kit I appreciate that those things exist but I've never worked anywhere that they are related to an individual's own efforts.

It would be much fairer if they were though.

I wouldn't buy gifts for a good report but we will be going out for a meal to treat my 2 DC for everything they have achieved this year.

My DS is 14 and last week for the first time he broke down to me and his DF about stresses at school. It was a build up of the small tests and exams he's had to do and after he got it all out he felt a lot better. But it made me realise how much he has going on in his head. I really want them both to end their year with something nice. We don't often go out to eat so it will be something different.

we always reward effort and good conduct. not ott as we expect both. but a little treat is nice

My work posted this video under learning/development resources, it shows that monetary reward isn’t unimportant but it’s not what truly motivates people. It cites things like Wikipedia and Linux as examples of what happens when people work for what they love rather than material reward -

thehairyhog interesting to see Alfie Kohn also wrote a book called Unconditional Parenting. That’s the kind of parenting I’d love to achieve!

Thinking more about experience type rewards... I want my son to have experiences and holidays etc regardless of reports. If he had a bad report or hadn’t really tried one year, maybe he would need that stimulation or inspiration to find what excites him and drives him. I wouldn’t want to punish him by not giving him those experiences because he’d had a bad year so why link them to a good/bad report? Feels counterintuitive. Plus I don’t have masses of money for that sort of thing, so it wouldn’t be like I could afford an extra trip somewhere to give him extra incentive.

DurhamBlue really interesting to see bits of your DC’s report, it adds some perspective. Sounds like a tough year thank you for sharing.

I know what you mean but I don't think it's such a big deal. My DD exceeded almost all of her ELGs and has worked so hard on her reading, practising every day and making great progress. I'm mega proud of her and as such will be rewarding her with her choice of pizza express!

YANBU to say you don’t want to reward your own child but YABU to suggest that no-one should. Kids react positively to reward and it shows them that hard work pays off.

Treacle

If you really don't get any individual rewards I'd question why you work where you work, it's very important to feel valued. My manager will take me out for coffee for example, I will buy my team a tin of biscuits for the office if we've just had a very busy week. Obviously all with feedback or it's pointless. I've never worked anywhere where there were truly no rewards, some places were just more easily given than others.

My 3 kids get gifts from their GPs regularly, clothing, sweets, books... We will be rewarding all three for their excellent school reports this year as well. And we have done in the past. They are all old enough now that they are putting effort in. The eldest has started GCSEs, two of them have SEN which impacts the way they experience school, they all deserve recognition for their efforts but the rewards are not their motivation, that is a bonus.

I think you have to recognise effort at school, they are very stressful places these days, pupils are tested and scored constantly. I don't care about the scores I recognise the work they put in - the children respond well to being praised and it does them good to feel appreciated. I like praise and rewards too. It is human.

Kit I do feel valued in my job. But I don't have any sort of individual reward or opportunity for bonuses. I've worked in places in the past where it was made very clear that none of the staff were valued at all, so I very much appreciate my current workplace.

But in over 20 years I have never worked anywhere where there was an opportunity for reward, financial or otherwise, based on your own work. Even payscales could only be climbed by serving time, not by your performance. There was a performance review but it didn't affect your pay because everyone was graded the same.

I think YABU.

DD gets gifts when she gets reports because she tries incredibly hard.

Don’t they deserve a token of recognition when they work hard all year?

I think life is about celebrating these moments.

My son is also 5 and it never occurred to me to reward him for a good school report at this age. My ILs actually wanted to give him a present for getting into his first choice primary school, and I was like WTF?! He didn't lift a finger for that!
I'd ask them to reward him with memorable experiences if possible. Maybe a day out somewhere, or a home-cooked meal/takeaway with all of his favourite food.

Treacle

I find it very hard to believe payscales were climbed by time served alone (which in itself you could argue is reward for loyalty, improving your skills etc) I've worked in a variety of places and while you climb the pay scale each year it is always only if you get a satisfactory grade in the annual appraisal. Admittedly you'd have to be performing particularly low to not warrant the "grade" to advance, but pay scales have never been automatic on time serviced in the public and private organisations I have worked for.

Treacle

People may have been graded the same because you are all working to the expected standard, which I guess is what they want, so therefore they have earned the reward of the next scale up.

Treacle

People may have been graded the same because you are all working to the expected standard, which I guess is what they want, so therefore they have earned the reward of the next scale up.

Kit well I'm not lying about it

There was theoretically a performance related review but when every single member of staff, from the most industrious to the one with a long disciplinary record, gets graded exactly the same (the statistics were published on the intranet site, so it's not just hearsay) there's not any individual reward.

We give a treat for hard work - this time it was a trip to an adventure place they had both wanted it. It was a dilemma though. We’d always done it despite ‘grades’ not actually being good - mine struggle at school - but because the grades for effort / attitude were always pleasing. We felt we should celebrate them doing their best. This year though our daughters weren’t. We talked it through and went ahead. Next year though we’ve said there has to be an improvement in that. So it creates a delimma. I’d say personally that grandparents giving presents is over the top for the reasons you’ve said about having lots etc. Do they treat them regularly when they see them?

Well, what worked for us
My son had the potential to be a right tear away as a teen,
I told him there was £100 up for grabs if he could keep himself out of mischief.
That was a lot of money in 1995
Anyway he did it and got his money. That succeeded where all threats and punishments failed.

Treaclesoda

I would bet if you looked at the official HR process it is not automatic, the fact the managers potentially aren't appraising is not a reflection of the intent, or perhaps everyone has (individually technically) earned the next level up, I've never graded anyone below satisfactory so it may look "automatic" but if someone wasn't working to the standard I would downgrade them.

But anyway I appreciate this is a somewhat tenuous link to reward in the work place because if you weren't working to standard chances are you'd be appraised out the job lol.

@Matilda15 My dh died the week before dd2's KS2 SATs too.

Personally I think it's a lovely idea.

I was going to say I don't reward for good reports but actually I do - by reading out the good bits about how much effort they've put in, giving them a cuddle, and telling them how proud I am. Or telling their grandparents in the kids' earshot.

Rewards don't have to be things. They are not at work yet.

I'm with OP. At 5 you don't have to put much effort in - you just do what you do without any real thought.
My DD, on the other hand, worked really hard towards her GCSEs. She got a reward for the effort she had put in!

I think it’s a nice thing to do. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a gift but perhaps a special day out or something just to acknowledge your pride in them.

Yes, I like to reward effort rather than achievement too. If possible, give the reward even before the result then it's clear that it's about the hard work and attitude.

DS slogged his guts out for ages for his 11+ and I have seldom been more impressed with a work ethic and determination to succeed. As it happens, he didn't 'succeed' in the sense of getting a grammar place but I took him on a weekend away that meant the world to him and it also set up brilliant work habits so that he's now absolutely flying at his non-grammar.

I only got negative feedback as a child which was really demoralising, so I try to get a decent balance with my DC so that they know what they need to work on but feel proud of overcoming challenges and working hard. And of course being a kind, positive and supportive member of the class - lots of emphasis on that as the social side of things doesn't always come easy either!