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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to offer this to dh's niece?

116 replies

Alicezander · 14/07/2018 20:41

My husband was the only one in his family to go to university - his parents didn't go, though both would probably have been clever enough to go had it been financially/socially possible at the time, and his brother and sister didn't go. His sister has one daughter, our niece, who was never very academic, and left school shortly after GCSEs and had two children in her early 20s.

We don't see my husband's sister or his niece or great nieces very often, but we hear through my MIL that both dh's great-nieces (who are now in year 4 and year 6) are doing really well in school.

One of our daughters is currently at The university and we were wondering whether it would be a good idea to offer for her to take dh's two great nieces on a tour of the university in October/November, so that they can get an idea of what university means and what it's like. Nobody in their immediate family (parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents) has gone to university, so I suppose it might show them a world they might not previously have considered.

Do you think it would be ok to offer this idea of a day out for her children to dh's niece? We don't want to appear at all rude, or like we're suggesting that she can't help her children aim high by herself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alicezander · 14/07/2018 20:43

*sorry, university, not The university

OP posts:
Thesearmsofmine · 14/07/2018 20:44

I think it could come across a bit patronising tbh and they are still really young.

Biscusting · 14/07/2018 20:44

My cousin did this for me and it changed my life, literally! I would say go for it! I had a couple of overnight stays and it was brilliant.

Biscusting · 14/07/2018 20:45

I would have been 14-15 at the time mind you

Original poster
Alicezander · 14/07/2018 20:46

I know they're very young still, but I suppose our dc will have long finished uni by the time they're 15/16!

OP posts:
Hellywelly10 · 14/07/2018 20:47

Sounds very patronising. Could really annoy your in laws.

Oldaintallthat · 14/07/2018 20:47

Bit early, I'm thinking. Lovely idea though

troodiedoo · 14/07/2018 20:47

If you don't see them very often, I wouldn't.

I'm sure their mum is capable of helping them reach their potential without you attempting to drag them out of the ghetto.

NewYearNewMe18 · 14/07/2018 20:48

I think it is overstepping boundaries. I cant see what Y4 (age 8/9) and Y6 would get out of trailing round some old buildings. Now if you were saying secondary age, pre GCSE options, I'd agree it might be an idea worth thinking about.

Bluelady · 14/07/2018 20:50

OP, do it. Ignore the unpleasant responses. Check it out with their parents first though.

LockedOutOfMN · 14/07/2018 20:50

Can you not just invite them for a day out (to the university) ? I think it's a lovely idea.

elliejjtiny · 14/07/2018 20:51

They are far too young to appreciate it. Also I had never set foot in a university before I applied to go there and it didn't affect my decision to go.

Clinicallysilly · 14/07/2018 20:53

I would begin by fostering a relationship with them first. Start to see them a bit more regularly, make regular contact so then suggesting an outing like that later on won't seem so patronising. Is there a reason why your dh doesn't see his sister? Distance, estranged relationship etc?

CSIblonde · 14/07/2018 20:54

Agree with pp. I'm sure you mean well, but it seems bit patronising & a bit meddling too, as you aren't close anyway. Its not like you are already a mentor figure so it's evolved naturally as part of a mentor type/close family member suggestion IYSWIM

Shortstuff08 · 14/07/2018 20:56

The it's got a good chance of coming across as 'we will do this because no one else in the family could' or 'no one wants you turning out like your mum and grandma so, we will show you how to do it'

I went to uni. Second in my family, I didn't need to get a feel for it until I went for the open days.

niknac1 · 14/07/2018 20:56

You are very thoughtful, maybe take a look at the Booktrust website and purchase a few books for the children. Reading can take you into a different world, it could be the start of encouraging their horizons to widen.

Harebellmeadow · 14/07/2018 20:58

I think its a lovely idea and agree that possibly it widens cultural horizons and shows DNs a different world. However if their parents are defensive and see university differently (they also have a point) this may cause some tensions. Could you not disguise it as a nice 2 day visit during half term, a long weekend for girls, and maybe focus instead on promoting other attractions in the university town that your DD wants to show their cousins instead. This would allow your DDs to show their cousins the positive aspects of university, location and life, without it being too in-your-face to your in laws.
Having studied sociology i understand a lot about social expectation and self-fulfilling prophecies, in determining educational outcome - not just whether DNs go to uni or not, but their attitude also to completing school. I think there is a small chance sich a visit could make a difference to their school career, so you should try and sneak it in if you can. You sound kind.

Returnofthesmileybar · 14/07/2018 20:59

Show them a world they might not have considered wow that sounds patronising and knobish, if you are pretending to give a fuck about the kids maybe pick up the phone, show general interest or spend some time with them not just taking the uneducated branch of the family to mix with educated folk for the day Confused

Original poster
Alicezander · 14/07/2018 20:59

Distance is the main reason we don't see them very often. We're in Scotland, they're in the south of England, not too far from dd's university by train. Dd has been seeing them more often since she's been at university, as she's been visiting her grandparents every month or so.

OP posts:
Teggun · 14/07/2018 21:01

Why not plan a visit to your dd and suggest meeting up with the whole family? Dd can talk about what she's doing as part of the general catch up. If the great nieces are interested then your dd could meet again in the future to show them round.

I would find it odd for distant family member to make contact specifically to show dc round uni. Could easily be taken the wrong way.

Teggun · 14/07/2018 21:03

Ah cross posts. Less odd as your dd is already in contact with them.

hedgebackwards · 14/07/2018 21:07

No, don't do this. Don't buy books either, unless you are going to get something fun, maybe a joke book or a book about something very specific you know they are keen on, like ponies or ballet.

BIL is an English teacher, and throughout out dc's childhood he and SIL would always buy the dc's books like Narnia, Alice in Wonderland, Black Beauty, The Secret Garden, you know the sort of thing.
We always felt rather patronised by it, tbh, If she'd suggested she took our dc's round a university as well, we'd have been mightily offended.

RB68 · 14/07/2018 21:08

No they are too young

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 14/07/2018 21:09

Yes, it would be really weird to take an 8 and 10 year old (?) around a university, and your attitude is incredibly patronising.

Every school child now has it rammed down their throat that university is the only aspiration - hence so many of us coming out of it with almost useless degrees.

Your neices don't need you on your lovely middle-class horse, charging in to save them from a lifetime of ignorance.

Clinicallysilly · 14/07/2018 21:10

Distance is the reason why I don't see my family often but we keep in touch by a whatsapp group, face book and skype. Maybe you could start to facetime them to coincide with your dd's visits so it doesn't look odd. Then slowly start to develop a relationship that way to strengthen the family bond.

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