A letter to my son's ex-girlfriend...

[QueenOfTheAndals]

AIBU to think that the ex-girlfriend has had a lucky escape? MiL from hell ahoy!

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/jul/14/letter-to-sons-ex-girlfriend-terminated-pregnancy

Why do people expect the son to go? That may have been his baby to him. He didn't want a termination but respected it was her choice.

According to the letter, he supposedly promised to support her whatever her decision, but clearly opted out. Doesn't matter that he didn't want the termination, he was equally responsible for the creation of the foetus, so should have been there to support the termination.

I very much doubt she wanted him there. I have known many close friends - and supported two - who have had terminations and NOT one has wanted the "father" anywhere near her at that time. One was doing it against her partner's wishes. (It broke them up). One didn't want the father to know anything about it at all. And the others just wanted to be able to deal with it on their own.

I haven't had a termination myself but I did have an unwanted pregnancy that resulted in an early loss. The very last person I wanted was the potential father. So - not everyone is the same.

I think the point about the son being there is that his mother criticises the ex-girlfriend's mother for not being there whilst wholly excusing her son purely on the basis that he feels low. That's very hypocritical.

Wow! Yep, that young woman dodged a bullet! Not necessarily so much from the mother-in-law but her son who comes across as passive aggressive and self-pitying.

So the MIL has some sad feelings about it and that's completely okay, we get to feel what we feel whether it's acceptable or not and she wisely kept her mouth shut, so well done her for that.

What actually irked me the most about her letter was the reference to the woman becoming pregnant when her son had "been through a lot over the last few years and he didn’t need this" but was prepared to take "responsibility" for the child! As though he is doing something noble by choice!! FFS, he was just as responsible for her becoming pregnant! I've been through hard times when a pregnancy would have been disastrous timing and you know what, I made damn sure I used contraception!

There is a clear sense that this MIL simply doesn't view her son as an adult who made his own choices.

There are two sides to every story of course, but why publish such a self absorbed diatribe against a woman who aborted her child? Imagine if she reads it

ffs thank god you were'nt my mil

Rather sweeping statement there, MirriVan. I wouldn't consider my husband to be a "shitty son", nor my father to have been one. I don't suppose you have sons yourself, because if you did, you wouldn't make such a ridiculous and indeed very insulting statement.

I read this the other day and thought the writer sounded COMPLETELY self centred. The girlfriend had a lucky escape.

It's hard to write about an emotional personal experience without sounding self-centred.

The woman who wrote that letter sounds like an absolute cow.

And a narcissist.
Wonder if the mil or dil is on here?

According to the letter, he supposedly promised to support her whatever her decision, but clearly opted out. Doesn't matter that he didn't want the termination, he was equally responsible for the creation of the foetus, so should have been there to support the termination.

You can't just 'opt in and out' when it comes to feelings. Why should someone who feels emotionally very raw and perhaps even not quite stable enough to come to terms with a loss just yet, have to accompany someone to a termination?

I wouldn't expect that of my DH if I had a termination and he wasn't okay with it. He has feelings that are personal to him too.

Time40 yes it did x

ALL of the letter writers in this column come across as narcissists with no self-awareness whatsoever but with more than average levels of self-pity.

I assume that, like Mariella Frostrup’s letters, they are edited to make them sound worse in order to generate more comments. Presumably that is why they all sound the same.

For goodness sake, why are people getting so worked up about this? It's a weekly column in the Guardian Family section, where you get a letter from someone about something from a point of view that you'd probably not expected - hidden, bottled up thoughts. Without the existence of the column, the MIL would probably never have written this.

Too many assumptions by posters on here. It's all out of context, like any short story you might read.

And as a pp said, not all sons are shitty.

People are discussing it, which is presumably what the Guardian wanted or they wouldn’t have posted it.

Or would you rather we chat about something we all have lukewarm feelings about?

There are more important things to get so worked up about than a most likely made up letter.

Thanks for your input. Perhaps you could give us a convenient list of ‘things to get worked up about’, in order of importance?

Abortion is an emotive subject and it is difficult to find appropriate words that are not going to offend others.

This woman might have been a grandparent, she is mourning that lost opportunity.

And whilst the woman supports freedom of choice, she doesn't have to agree with that choice on a personal level.

should mind her own bloody business her son is an adult up to him what mistakes or successes he makes

Good god!! Sounds like he was total man boy and mummy's boy all rolled into one, She made.such nasty back handed comments. Sure sounds like one of my exs mother!!! Shes had a lucky escape.

It is The Grauniad though. Terminally entitled aspirational faux-middle class. Her perfect son could never be at fault, despite living at home until he is 38...

"Worked up"? It's just a discussion FFS, which is the whole point of having a forum called Talk!