A letter to my son's ex-girlfriend...

[QueenOfTheAndals]

AIBU to think that the ex-girlfriend has had a lucky escape? MiL from hell ahoy!

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/jul/14/letter-to-sons-ex-girlfriend-terminated-pregnancy

It was so short as to be pointless. Didn't say anything interesting.

YANBU. How fucking dare she use the term "my grandchild" - there never was one, it's not your situation to 'mourn' and if my son told me his poor girlfriend was to have a termination alone I'd kick his arse for not going along with her

It sounds like she’s babsically saying “I didn’t like you and I’m using your termination as an excuse to say that publicly” which is pretty pathetic. You’re a grown woman. Old enough to know that some people we get on with and some people we don’t. Why is she holding a grudge with this woman just because she didn’t like her? She doesn’t have to like her, her children’s partners don’t owe her an agreeable personality! It’s pretty clear a termination was the best choice given the circumstances (the relationship was dead!) so is she using it as a stick to beat this woman with?

why is she using it as a stick to beat this woman with.

I think it shows termination has far reaching emotional consequences for more people other than the host.

Want to rethink that horrendously dehumanising term?

The woman terminated, presumably, because the relationship was all but over anyway. With that being the case, I don't know why the son should be obliged to be there.

Because the pregnancy was the result of his actions, as well as hers, she doesn't get to not be there. Honestly some fucking people just can't cope with men being in the wrong

Apart from agreeing with everyone over the son being too 'low' to attend the clinic, I can't really see what is so bad about this letter. I am not familiar with the column but presumably it is about giving people a chance to express their innermost feelings without saying it out loud to the people concerned? She is as entitled to her feelings as the next person, and I think she tries to be fair and even. Of course she is entitled to think that this woman was never the right person for her son: parents can often tell. My children have had friends who are clearly not right for them. I haven't said anything, just watched the friendship fizzle out, or go out with a bang, and picked up the pieces. But you are naive to think that family can't tell that, sometimes, people are not right for their family member.

Also this: how fucking dare she use the term "my grandchild" - there never was one. Wasn't there? I don't really get that either. Can you explain why the foetus was not a grandchild? Is it only when the child is born that it becomes a child/grandchild? So, when a woman goes shopping for her pregnant daughter/dil, what are they shopping for, if not the Child/grandchild. I'm not intending to be goady, it just confuses me, as I would call the child a child/grandchild from the moment I first knew of its existence.

With that being the case, I don't know why the son should be obliged to be there.

Because someone he once cared about, enough to risk creating a human life with, was going through a medical procedure that wouldn’t have been necessary without his input. He was as responsible for the situation as the woman. he created a situation that resulted in someone having to go through a difficult procedure. the very least he could do is show her enough respect to offer his support while she went through it.

he didn’t need this, but he was determined to take responsibility and support you, whatever your decision.

Not to the extent of well, actually supporting her though, by being there with her!

He's a disgrace and so is the mother.

Exactly mermaid he paid lip service to it. But didn’t actually do it. Saying you’ll do it, is t the same as actually doing it. I hope the author of that letter sees this thread.

ExGF dodged a heat seeking missile there, and good idea of hers to go NC.

That 'devoted' single mum will always have a developmentally stunted single son while she is alive, and then pity the next person who comes along after that what with the monster guilt.

as a feminist, I respect your right to decide what was best for you: terminating the pregnancy

as it conflicts with my own views on choice, I have found it hard to reconcile my feelings

Don't these statements contradict themselves?

Is it only when the child is born that it becomes a child/grandchild?

O, only when the woman decides she will have the baby does it become a child/grandchild.

*No not O!

I would call the child a child/grandchild from the moment I first knew of its existence

Even when there will be a termination? Because that's pretty shitty

Fuckin' hell.

Right from the first sentence this letter is off.

"I won't ever sent this to you because I don't know where you are."

She's not venting privately, she's saying she would send that letter to the ex girlfriend if only she knew where to send it to.

I felt the same senes of unease when I read this as I did when I saw those parents on This Morning saying they would be arrested if they contacted their son again. So instead of leaving him be, they went on national TV and had Philip Schofield appeal directly to a man who had already told the programme he didn't want to take part.

I wasn't shocked at the parents doing that, but I was shocked that PS and TM would go against the son and the police to interfere.

This is the same. This woman can't get to the ex because she doesn't know where she lives, so she's using a national newspaper to have her dig at her sons ex.

Time40 i always think this... there are several that have a very distinct turn of phrase/ style. It’s either the same person or entrants are so desperate for the £25 they have all started imitating previously published ones 🤷‍♀️

Penggwyn

Even when there will be a termination? Because that's pretty shitty

No, I suppose not, but that is the point, she was referring to a time before the termination, saying she was beginning to look forward to a grandchild.

The writer said she was cautiously considering (big of them) how a baby would fit into their lives. That's not exactly jumping for joy at the thought of a grandchild.

The writer states she’s a feminist she seems to blame her son’s ex for the pregnancy, and implies she’s not pro choice. So, she’s not a feminist.

Why do people expect the son to go? That may have been his baby to him. He didn't want a termination but respected it was her choice.

If my DH could conceive and decided he'd be terminating something we had created, I'd be deviated, support it's his body, but wouldn't be attending clinic with him.

But I guess MN think this man shouldn't get to feel anything just because it isn't his body

But I guess MN think this man shouldn't get to feel anything just because it isn't his body

You know, he would get to bring his feelings with him to support the woman.

Surely a key factor here is when did she have the abortion and more importantly, what was said between the two people responsible, which might not even be what the writer (assuming it is real) even know about.

Who knows what really happened. Maybe he intended to separate but she had no idea. Maybe initially she said she wanted to keep the baby and he was horrified. Maybe when she said she wouldn't have an abortion, and maybe with the help of his mum, he decided to accept the situation and started to embrace the idea of being a dad. Maybe he might have even considered giving the relationship a go again. Maybe they even started talking about names, and maybe it all came to a head when they had a massive row, and she decided that it would be better not to give birth to the child. Maybe by then she was 16 weeks pregnant.

Or maybe he was a jerk as most are assuming.

The point is really don't know, and never will.