A letter to my son's ex-girlfriend...

[QueenOfTheAndals]

AIBU to think that the ex-girlfriend has had a lucky escape? MiL from hell ahoy!

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/jul/14/letter-to-sons-ex-girlfriend-terminated-pregnancy

The GF chose the abortion. The son did not choose nor want the child aborted. It is likely that the girlfriend didn't want him there.

I think it is sad. The letter is written from the POV of one person - it is meant to be a personal expression only. The ACTIONS of the woman were to keep out of it - as she should.

Yes - and likely mostly fictional -

Having written anonymously myself to this letter page I can vouch for the letters NOT being written by journos.

I think it shows termination has far reaching emotional consequences for more people other than the host.

The woman had a termination, as MIL accepts was her perfect right. She and her son were saddened by it - that's also their perfect right. Doesn't sound as though they berated the woman for it, but they are allowed to grieve privately while respecting that the decision wasn't theirs to make.

If you accept someones right to do something you don't write a letter to a national newspaper moaning about how awful that choice made you feel. There is nothing private about trying to make a woman feel bad about her choice in a public arena.

What a pathetic excuse for man her son is, didn't use contraception then abandoned his girlfriend to deal with the fall out on her own. She is well rid of both of them.

Having written anonymously myself to this letter page I can vouch for the letters NOT being written by journos

So have I. Mine didn't get published. Did yours, sunshine?

But just because some of them are true, that doesn't mean they all are. It's a paid freelance writing opportunity, so I'm quite sure that lots of these letters are fiction. There is no way of telling which are true and which are fake - although I have noticed that the writing style is similar in a lot of them.

If you accept someones right to do something you don't write a letter to a national newspaper moaning about how awful that choice made you feel.

I think it's entirely possible to express your feelings, anonymously, about a person's decision while still knowing they had the right to make that decision. And I don't think there's anything wrong in doing it anonymously, with no identifying details.

But then I believe that all humans are a complicated mess of conflicting emotions and capable of feeling more than one thing at a time.

That column exists to spark emotion and debate, which is clearly what has happened here. There are some absolute twats in that column sometimes; seems you don't have to be a nice person to be thought provoking.

what a pathetic woman her son isnt to blame at all is he

and she wont send it but publicly print it-arsehole

I actually think it's better to publish it publicly, but anonymously, than to send it to the ex. Presumably the ex doesn't want contact with any of these people and wouldn't want to receive this letter.

Most people don't react well to receiving letters all about how terrible they are or how bad they made someone feel. That's not to say those letters aren't very therapeutic and cathartic to write. But if you absolutely must send them somewhere, I think it's better to make it somewhere general and unidentifiable.

It's terribly sad all round. This woman clearly didn't have the happiest of childhoods - she says towards the end that she had done her best "to create a close family, despite her background" and I think when you don't have a very nice childhood, you work very hard to ensure that your children have a good childhood, and she's struggling now that things have gone out of her control and her son has been upset by something she couldn't help. Not sure I'm making sense, but I think this letter is more about this woman's poor childhood than the woman who made the decision to terminate her pregnancy.

It just demonstrates how poor parenting has an infinite ripple effect.

If her son 'didn't need' a pregnancy then he should have taken better precautions - and if it was an accident, then it was as much his accident as hers.

MIL's conflicting feelings are understandable but her son doesn't sound strong - he sounds like he was weak, and not there for his girlfriend when she needed him. If she had been feeling low on the day of the appointment she couldn't have simply opted out of it. That was a luxury only he could afford.

She's making it all about herself! I'm not sure who's more pathetic, the mil or her son!
I hope the woman who had the abortion has a lifetime of happiness now. I admire her courage to terminate, I can't imagine how hard that must have been.

Neither the GF nor the son used contraception. OR it failed so neither is to blame. Why assume the son didn't use a condom?

We don't know. I get the impression that most of the posts here are from women who identify with the GF and hate the MiL. Older women, with teens or adult kids, are more likely to identify with the Mother.

We would all fight to protect our kids - that doesn't stop after primary school when the Best Friend/bully turns into a manipulative GF or BF. We don't interfere but we feel the same. That is normal, natural and good.

When an emotionally abusive ex was horrible to me - I was 23 - my mum and dad were furious. They did not interfere but I know how they felt.

highlighting the fact that once a child has been conceived unplanned, so as a result of a failure of both parties, once the pregnancy is confirmed, one party is left with the full control of what happens...

It's not really full control though. That depends on what country you live in, what support financially or emotionally you have and access to a clinic.

once the pregnancy is confirmed, one party is left with the full control of what happens next whilst the other has none, despite the significant consequences of one choice over another for both.

Yeah well one party is left with all the responsibility and risk too, that’s not “fair” either. Maybe you should complain to Mother Nature.

Plus there isn’t significant consequences for both, plenty of men have walked away and never looked back, hence the 3.8billion owed in unpaid child support.

The boy was so low he couldn't be with the girlfriend at the clinic. Poor lamb.

I think it shows termination has far reaching emotional consequences for more people other than the host.

As indeed does pregnancy

Surely a woman has the right to anonymously explain her feelings in a given situation. She's sad, she has the right to say so. She's not criticising the girlfriend, all she says is that the couple weren't suited. She wishes her well.

As for the son's non attendance for the termination - I wouldn't want an ex with me post breakup and I can't imagine most people would. My only issue with this is the implied criticism of the girlfriend's mother.

It doesn't say the girlfriend didn't want his support at the termination, only that he felt low therefore didn't attend. Pathetic excuse in my opinion.

Yes, mental I'll health is always a poor excuse.

Ill even.

I don’t understand the purpose of the letter

What point is she making?

It was probably a barrel of laughs for the girlfriend.

*Her son is an arse for not going to clinic.

Even if he was 'low'. The girlfriend had to go. She doesnt get to be low.*

This with bells on.