To have 'told him off'

[rollingonariver]

I don't think I'm being unreasonable but I'll leave that up to mumsnet!
We were out this afternoon seeing some of DP's friends. We got to talking about how Piers Morgan is a bit of an arse etc and conversation goes like this:
DF: what do you expect from a guy named piers
Me: what do you mean?
DF: well it's a fucking douchey middle class name isn't it?!
I set him straight, calmly I didn't shout or anything, and said that someone's name doesn't really mean anything and that I'm sure there's lots of people who are called Piers who are lovely etc. I also said that he had mentioned in the past that our DD had a 'posh' name.
Anyway, conversation carried on and all was fine but when we got home his DW texted me and said i was patronising and she wouldn't be seeing us again if I was to tell her husband off again? I feel like I was very calm and that I have a right to say if something makes me uncomfortable, that's what a conversation is imo. Should I just apologise and blame it on the heat?

I forgot, I did also ask him not to swear in front of DD which could be what she's referring to?

You're perfectly entitled to your opinion and to request him not to swear in front of your children.

Sounds like you were patronising, were you actually hoping to change his mind or just signal how right on you were?

Doesn't mean you weren't right, but he is within his rights not to want it.

To sound a wee bit up yourself if I’m honest, but Mumsnet will likely reassure you that you were only doing what was right and proper.

But no, grown adults don’t ‘tell each other off.’ It’s disrespectful.

Hard to tell as we weren't there, but it seems they have taken serious offence at your tone. So I'd probably say something like sorry, didn't mean to offend, thought it was just a convo on names.

That with telling off about the swearing thing might have made you sound a little bit miss jean brody.

It's your husbands friends and it's appears inadvertently you've caused offence.

Do you know what is more undermining to someone than 'being told off'? Having their wife message to tell off the person who told them off!!
Id message her back and say that you wont be seeing them again if she is to infantilize her husband again like that.

Shes honestly batshit. Id just ignore. No way would I be apologising...

If you respect your dps friend and the friendship you have with him, you should apologise for any hurt feelings

Omg I thought Df was your dad!

You told off one of your partners friends!? And told them not to swear...

Ywbvu.

I don't really feel like I did tell him off, they were the words she used. I was a bit pissed off because he'd said my DD's name was posh before, he can be quite aggressive with his opinions I probably should have laughed it off like I usually do
The only reason I'd apologise is for my DP's sake, they're not my friends hes a dick and I couldn't give a shit.

YABU. And embarrassing.

Did you expect him to just admit the error of his ways and see your point of view?

I’m sure what you said could have been patronising, even if you weren’t in the wrong.

Is it a big loss not to see them?

@NotTakenUsername would you not ask people not to swear around your child? I honesty didn't realise that was a weird thing to do, I've done that quite a lot

Am I living on a different planet? I mean a grown man says something controversial in a conversation and swears in front of a child... and then his wife texts to say she doesnt think its right that the OP argued her own point back and asked him not to swear? Have we actually been transported back to the 1950s here?
'Man must be able to say whatever the hell he likes however the hell he likes without any backchat from women'

You told off a grown man and then the same grown man's wife told you off for hurting his feelings?

WTF kind of adult social circle is this?

Sounds like a storm in a tea-cup. As we weren't there we have no idea of the tone of the conversation, but the conversation itself sounds fine. Friend made a rather inflammatory comment, or at least a comment to which you took offence. You replied with your own opinion, which he obviously took offence to. Tit for tat.

However, if friend was that bothered, couldn't he have stuck up for himself at that point rather than having his wife contact you later to tell YOU off?

Bloody hell. What a lot of offence taking over nothing!

Depends if you want to continue the friendship.

YANBU! I can't believe some people are saying you are. Of course you're entitled to ask someone not to swear in front of your child, and to express your differing opinion. How is it okay for him to say whatever crap comes into his brain, regardless of how offensive, but if you dare to disagree you're "telling him off"?! Bullshit.
Maybe your DH can just see him without you in future, he sounds like very tedious company.

The swearing request is fine you know that.

Why were you "uncomfortable" with the comment piers is a middle class name? Do you know someone called piers?

I suspect maybe you were being a bit of a dick and the wife has called you out on it. Maybe because you don't like him? So what if your daughters name is posh, do you have a class issue? You are still carrying a grudge over it and feeling "pissed off" . How long ago was it?

How weird that he got his wife to text you!? I’ve had to ask my BIL not to swear in front of the DC so I think YANBU for that. The Piers comments, while I agree with you about names, it depends how you said it, it could come across a bit preachy. Especially if he was just saying it as a jokey throwaway comment.

I absolutely wouldn’t. She understands very well that their are words that are rude and shouldn’t really be used in polite company. But no, I wouldn’t call any adult out on their language.

However, that said, most people I spend time with wouldn’t be effing and blinding in front of children anyway, beyond an embarrassed slip of the tongue.

The issue is you don’t like him and his dw knows it. You tried to flex your muscles in a patronising way and it has either backfired or given you your wish of no longer seeing them (depending on your intention.)

If I was your dp I’d be upset.

I think her DH is rude (stupid comments re 'posh' names - reverse snobbery) and uncouth (swearing in front of children is something he should be able to control, as a grown man).

I'd text her back with "OK". She can interpret it how she likes.

remember OP always express your 'opinions' (if you insist on having them at all) in a non assertive manner lest it be thought you are self confident or think you know best or anything like that....
It might be better in future to just change the subject and talk about fluffy kittens if you dont like whats being said.
You wouldnt want to alienate any of your husbands friends now would you? Think of their poor wives having to nurse their bruised egos because a woman called them up on something ridiculous they said.

But no, grown adults don’t ‘tell each other off.’ It’s disrespectful.

So grown adults just accept everything the other adults say in conversation and never challenge it? I don't think so. Normal friendships have disagreements and it's not the end of the world.

It's also not unreasonable to ask people not to swear around your kid when you're with them.

His intention was either to denigrate the middle-class ("douchey middle-class name", "what can you expect from someone called that?") or/and to express the belief that names are relevent to a person's personality.

You wouldnt want to alienate any of your husbands friends now would you? Think of their poor wives having to nurse their bruised egos because a woman called them up on something ridiculous they said.

There seems to be this weird thing in the UK where some people get to behave like total dickheads and everyone just tolerates it, and if anyone disagrees with them then that person is the bad guy.