To have 'told him off'

[rollingonariver]

I don't think I'm being unreasonable but I'll leave that up to mumsnet!
We were out this afternoon seeing some of DP's friends. We got to talking about how Piers Morgan is a bit of an arse etc and conversation goes like this:
DF: what do you expect from a guy named piers
Me: what do you mean?
DF: well it's a fucking douchey middle class name isn't it?!
I set him straight, calmly I didn't shout or anything, and said that someone's name doesn't really mean anything and that I'm sure there's lots of people who are called Piers who are lovely etc. I also said that he had mentioned in the past that our DD had a 'posh' name.
Anyway, conversation carried on and all was fine but when we got home his DW texted me and said i was patronising and she wouldn't be seeing us again if I was to tell her husband off again? I feel like I was very calm and that I have a right to say if something makes me uncomfortable, that's what a conversation is imo. Should I just apologise and blame it on the heat?

She didn’t assert her opinion, she mansplained.

He needs his wife to text and stand up for him Leave them to it. She is likely trying to get an apology. I wouldn't give one to be honest.

I mean, if you'd have been talking about a working-class person with a stereotypically WC name being an arse or something similar, and DF had said "Well, what can you expect from someone called Lexi-Mai? It's a chavvy lower-class name." That would have been fine?

she mansplained.

If people think you can tell someone an arse by their name, I think they need someone to slowly mansplain why that's ridiculous.

He expressed his opinion and so did you. Nothing wrong with that. Ironically his wife has just told you off! Tell her if he can't cope with conversations where people don't agree with all of his (silly) views maybe he shouldn't be allowed to socialise at all. That would really put me off ever meeting up with them socially again.

"Well, what can you expect from someone called Lexi-Mai? It's a chavvy lower-class name."

“I think I’d need to know more than their name before I could know what to expect from them!”

No, I totally disagree. Conversation and standing up for your beliefs is very different than telling someone off for their (shitty) opinions.

I think what you said was fine. It's not really the point whether other people agree or disagree with you, it's the fact that he was happy to voice a strong opinion but wasn't happy to accept that you also had a strong but differing opinion.

Equally, with Piers I’d be saying, “well I think that’s a bit harsh on the many decent people out there called Piers, but I agree he is certainly quite the arse!”

and said that someone's name doesn't really mean anything and that I'm sure there's lots of people who are called Piers who are lovely etc

Doesn't seem that much different to what OP said. She said it calmy. She might have said she "told him off" but I expect that's more a reaction to being made to feel like she did. Sounds to me more like a case of fragile male ego.

No, she set him straight. Very different to sharing her opinion.

he can be quite aggressive with his opinions I probably should have laughed it off like I usually do

No way should you laugh it off - you have every right to express your opinion/reply in a conversation.

i'd reply to that text "are you referring to me asking him not to swear in front of a child? seriously? are you on glue?!"

The idea that you have to "respectfully" disagree with prejudiced people seems off, but OK. Prejudice runs riot because people think nobody will "set them straight" when they express these opinions.

So is this a case of you had a patronising tone, be it in reality or their opinion- potentially fair enough.

Or is this a case of always agree with her husband, never debate and argue? Potentially fuck right off.

YWNBU to ask him not to swear.

I think you made a bit of a mountain out of the "Piers" comment though. We've had plenty of comments over our DC's names over the years - just ignore it. People are silly about names.

It does sound like your tone was quite patronising. Are you more friends with his wife than him? It's a bit odd that she texted you.

don't apologise and don't pander to either of them.
he's slipped up and shown you what he really thinks of you/dp and dd's name, you - quite rightly - commented on that observation.

that text was them doing damage control by trying to portray you as the one who did 'wrong' - don't play their game.

Lol at the setting him straight, expressing opinions.

I dunno, must be the company I keep, but women in my experience can be just as much of a dick as a man can when expressing opinions, and as none of us were there, I think it's hard to judge which the op was being.

Either way it's the wife who has taken offence. And said she was patronising.

Over whether piers is a middle class name or not. 🤣

OP was objecting to the connection between MC names and douchey people - not that Piers is a MC name

So basically he insulted your DD's name because he has a chippy 'thing' about posh names, and he swore in front of your child?

If you don't stand up for your child when someone is being rude about and in front of her, who will. he sounds like the knobbiest of the knobs. And his wife sounds like an appeasing, ego stroking lettuce.

And it isn't disrespectful to tell people off if they are rude. It is disrespectful to be rude in the first place.

It’s not clear what exactly she found patronizing, so I think I’d feign confusion and say

‘Sorry, not sure what upset him?! Was it me saying not all people called Piers are dicks (although we agreed on P Morgan)? About asking him to stop swearing in from of the kids, we will have to disagree on that one, I’m afraid.’

Insert passive-aggressive sad/regret face if you feel it’s warranted 😔

OP was objecting to the connection between MC names and douchey people - not that Piers is a MC name

Yeah, you're right, who doesn't hate that. Bastard that he is. 🤣

Yeah, you're right, who doesn't hate that. Bastard that he is.

I will take the opportunity to say that as much as I disagree with the sentiments of OP's DH's DF... I do think Piers is a supercilious twat.

I don't feel like I did tell him off, the middle class thing annoyed me because I felt he was dissing us / our DDs name. It's not actually a posh name just an old one that people don't use that regularly - think Anne or Mary.
He'll do anything to be a dick to me in a Way that makes me look crazy if I retaliate - he's very snide and thinks he's clever. I usually don't rise to it and this time I probably took offence when I shouldn't have. I didn't raise my voice just said that names don't really define people which I think is normal conversation when someone says something you disagree with. Really didn't mean to be patronising
I think feminism does come into this, he absolutely hates being told he's wrong - especially by a woman so I think I bruised his ego if anything.
I won't be apologising. DP doesn't like him that much either but they're friends of his family. His mother has now text my MIL saying how awful I am to have 'caused a scene'. I'm over the drama of it all.

I LOVE this idea @egginacup 
@poopsqueak I may as well tell you all, its not that outing and I hate when people start a thread like this and then don't tell you !! Her name is Celia 
@Amethystical I was a young mum (20) and he did make comments about that but I never stood up for myself, I wish I did now. We all agreed Piers Morgan is a twat don't worry
@GabriellaMontez he probably asked her to text me.

It's true though. I've only ever met douchey Piers (Pierses? Piersæ?)

It's true though. I've only ever met douchey Piers (Pierses? Piersæ?)

One of the Dudley's bully friends from Harry Potter was called Piers Polkiss. He was very douchey too.