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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have 'told him off'

111 replies

rollingonariver · 13/07/2018 16:27

I don't think I'm being unreasonable but I'll leave that up to mumsnet!
We were out this afternoon seeing some of DP's friends. We got to talking about how Piers Morgan is a bit of an arse etc and conversation goes like this:
DF: what do you expect from a guy named piers
Me: what do you mean?
DF: well it's a fucking douchey middle class name isn't it?!
I set him straight, calmly I didn't shout or anything, and said that someone's name doesn't really mean anything and that I'm sure there's lots of people who are called Piers who are lovely etc. I also said that he had mentioned in the past that our DD had a 'posh' name.
Anyway, conversation carried on and all was fine but when we got home his DW texted me and said i was patronising and she wouldn't be seeing us again if I was to tell her husband off again? I feel like I was very calm and that I have a right to say if something makes me uncomfortable, that's what a conversation is imo. Should I just apologise and blame it on the heat?

OP posts:

NotTakenUsername · 13/07/2018 16:46

So grown adults just accept everything the other adults say in conversation and never challenge it? I don't think so. Normal friendships have disagreements and it's not the end of the world.

No but their is a world of difference between telling off (“I set him straight, calmly I didn't shout or anything,“) and expressing your opinion/disagreeing.

You tell a child off. I would not tolerate an adult male or female telling me off.

I wonder if the obnoxious friend dials it up a bit for your benefit, op?

DameFanny · 13/07/2018 16:46

Yanbu. I hate the idea you can't call someone out on their prejudice without being told you're being patronising - it's shit like this that ends in Trump and Brexit.

He was being a prick, you politely disagreed, but because you didn't give him a pass you're the aggressor. No, that attitude can bugger off back to the fifties.

CocoLoco87 · 13/07/2018 16:46

I think the no swearing request was fine and I would have done the same. Hard to comment on the rest of it as we don't know the tone any of it was said with. If your DH isn't fond of them anyway then I wouldn't worry about apologising!

glamorousgrandmother · 13/07/2018 16:47

YANBU. I can't imagine why people think it is patronising to have an opinion and express it.

kaytee87 · 13/07/2018 16:47

I think it's ok to apologetically ask someone not to swear in front of your child 'she repeats everything at this age, it's embarrassing at nursery'

I think the rest was ott. It was a joke, albeit a crap one, didn't require a lecture.

Bluntness100 · 13/07/2018 16:49

I'm lost,

I get the swearing but I'm failing to see how saying piers is a middle class name makes you a dickhead. And now it's feminist issue and she has every right to declare her views on whether it's middle classed or not.

It is a middle class name. Way to make something out of nothing. Never heard anything so daft.

NotTakenUsername · 13/07/2018 16:49

but Mumsnet will likely reassure you that you were only doing what was right and proper.

As predicted. But remember Mumsnet is not a complete cross-section of human opinion. You might get a wee bit of bias, even here.

Findingdotty · 13/07/2018 16:49

You can say what you want as can he. It’s called freedom of speech. It’s up to him and his wife if they want to see you again. I’d probably texted back exactly that and leave the ball in their court.

egginacup · 13/07/2018 16:52

I think your DH now needs to text him and say his wife’s text was patronising and he won’t be seeing them again if she “tells off” his wife again...

poopsqueak · 13/07/2018 16:52

just curious......what is DD's name.... I'm sure we can all tell you if we think its posh or not

haribosmarties · 13/07/2018 16:53

'Oh darling please dont worry! You are totally right, everyone named Piers IS a twat, posh names ARE ridiculous... im sure that nasty shrill woman will apologise soon, perhaps she was drunk or on her period or something? Do you want me to text her sweetheart? Ill text her and let her know how wrong she is... im going to do it now, dont cry!'

bluebeck · 13/07/2018 16:54

I think it was fine to ask him not to swear in front of DD (assuming it was proper grown up swearing like fucking cuntface, not because he said bum)

Piers Morgan is a cunt. Piers is definitely a MC name. Not sure why you couldn't let that one go.

However - you say you don't like this bloke, so just don't see him or his ridiculous mum wife again. Why do you care?

Amethystical · 13/07/2018 16:54

I would not tolerate an adult male or female telling me off.

We wouldn't get on then. I'll happily "tell an adult odd" for expressing prejudice viewpoints etc, be it my grandfather when he comes out with something a bit homophobic, my DP when he swears too much, or a random friend of my partner being a reverse-snob

Would you stay quiet if he said something like "well what can you expect from someone who has a baby at that age?" or similar?

runsmidgeOMG · 13/07/2018 16:55

Oh my, we're always saying things like "sounds like an " or I've never found an I like.
BUT you pick your audiences, friends of similar mind who are unlikely to be offended and if someone did say that was inappropriate I would of course apologise

Yanbu to request people don't swear around your children.

bluebeck · 13/07/2018 16:55

Ooh yes - do what egginacup said

HyggeHeart · 13/07/2018 16:56

Yanbu! agree with everything maxthemartian says

maxthemartian · 13/07/2018 16:56

This reminds me of one happy boxing day morning when my ex-FIL went into the most horrendous vile racist rant. ex-MIL begged me not to say anything and got very upset when I did. And then I was the bad guy.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 13/07/2018 16:57

Without having been there, it's absolutely impossible to say. I guarantee you two had completely different experiences of the same conversation.

Amethystical · 13/07/2018 16:58

It is a middle class name. Way to make something out of nothing.

Yes, Piers is a MC name. But he essentially said: "Well, of course he's an arse, he has a douchey-middle class name". Which implies people with middle-class names are all arses, does seem like reverse-snobbery to me, rather than just saying "Piers has a middle-class name" objectively.

DameFanny · 13/07/2018 16:58

For people not understanding the OP, the problem wasn't that the 'friend' said Piers was a middle class name, it was that he said 'what do you expect from someone [with a middle class name]'. As the friend has in the past said the OP's DD has a middle class name, it's not a reach to think that this friend is being rude about the OP.

Sorry, was that patronising? If so, maybe read the op next time and you won't need to feel patronised.

Heh.

GabriellaMontez · 13/07/2018 16:59

His wife texted on His behalf??!

How embarrassing. I wonder if he even knows.

NotTakenUsername · 13/07/2018 17:00

Would you stay quiet if he said something like "well what can you expect from someone who has a baby at that age?" or similar?

Personally in that conversation I would say, “I can’t judge someone based on what age they have their children, I’d have to know more about the specific situation.”

Equally, with Piers I’d be saying, “well I think that’s a bit harsh on the many decent people out there called Piers, but I agree he is certainly quite the arse!”

Amethystical · 13/07/2018 17:00

Exactly... The problem is he linked middle-class names to being an arse.

Firesuit · 13/07/2018 17:01

and said that someone's name doesn't really mean anything and that I'm sure there's lots of people who are called Piers who are lovely etc.

I suppose the tone might make a difference, but that sounds like the speech someone would make to a not very bright five-year-old. I think many people would be offended by being spoken to as if they were five.

NotTakenUsername · 13/07/2018 17:02

That was the first problem. The second problem was that op was so arogant she felt entitled to ‘set him straight’.

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