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AIBU?

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Original poster

Mother in law wants to buy next door

265 replies

ezzycozzy · 12/07/2018 16:46

My widowed mother in law has repeatedly asked to sell up both houses and live together. (She already lives in the next road to us and her other son lives 1 mile away). I have repeatedly said no in no uncertain terms to her. I have avoided a full on face to face confrontation about it but I have sent a couple of strong worded texts about how it is not an option. At this stage my husband always says he is open to the idea but he will 'talk to me' about it. Anyhow, our elderly next door neighbour has just died and leaves behind a dooer upper of a bungalow. She wants to buy it. Stupid husband wants to do it up. (Basically he sees the plus of having an extra garage and driveway. We also have out buildings with a log burner that we do not have permission for so he is happy to have the easy ride of a non complaining neighbour like his mother). I on the other hand feel like moving out. She would be here all the time Molly coddling him and our kids would constantly choose to be next door at nannies where they can do as they bloody well like!!).......

OP posts:
tygarugby · 13/07/2018 20:55

Not a good idea

ivykaty44 · 13/07/2018 20:57

Let her buy and then put forsale board up and move

trojanpony · 13/07/2018 20:57

My husband stands firm?
She is only ONE street away now

It sounds extreme but if you aren’t up for it and he won’t budge I would call his bluff and go with this
*Leave and take the kids, get the estate agent round, value the house.

It’s not a threat, it’s a reality.*

MountainHedgehog · 13/07/2018 20:59

Hell no! He needs to know that if it happens you get divorced.

ElectricDreamer · 13/07/2018 21:01

My sympathies OP. We lived with my IL's for a few months, whilst inbetween houses.

Never.
Ever.
Again.

EVER!!!

I genuinely love the woman, and she did us a huge favour letting us stay with them during that time. I thanked her umpteen times for it. But Christ almighty it was a very testing few months!

But, I knew it was temporary and I just grit my teeth through it, keeping the end goal in sight. But with you, that is permanent!

That's scary

personaperona · 13/07/2018 21:01

You could say to her she may as well put her money on your house as you would really like to move and find a house any house will do that is completely detached away from her and say that’s what you would like to raise your family in now.

Stillonthatbloodycomputer · 13/07/2018 21:05

As a MiL who has been recently become widowed please god that you don't find yourself in the position where you too become a non person , because like it or not that's what happens, cut the woman dome slack ffs, try talking to her

Cagliostro · 13/07/2018 21:30

Terrifyingly I’ve noticed my DH is always up for sex when his DM is in the house or we are in hers... odd! 😳

manicmij · 13/07/2018 21:55

Family life definitely has changed. Families no longer live near one another as they did up until about 50s/60s. Women worked even then contrary to all the hype about being "just a housewife" in those days. Children were cared for by family members who lived close by. Apart from not earning enough there were no childminders, very few if any, private nurseries so families relied on one another for support. Now we live widespread, earn more, pay for childcare and seem to resent family contact unless it is at our behest. Do you know why your MIL is so desperate to move nearer. Perhaps she thinks she will be helping you out with children. My MIL died quite young as did my own Mum. Can't but feel I would have enjoyed having them nearby.

redshoeblueshoe · 13/07/2018 21:59

Blimey I'm not understanding some of these posts.
The Mil lives on the next street not a 4 hour drive away.

thegreylady · 13/07/2018 22:05

I’d love to live next door to dd and family. It will never happen as the houses are too big and too expensive. If dh dies before me I will move to the same town as dd etc. They have always said I could live with them but I know it wouldn’t work.

HotSauceCommittee · 13/07/2018 22:33

I’m sorry for your loss, but not wanting to live next door to a close family member does not equate relegating them to a “non-person”. My nan who was my mum’s MIL wouldn’t leave her alone; it was terrible for all the relationships between my parents and ultimately us kids.

HotSauceCommittee · 13/07/2018 22:34

Sorry, that was to Stillonthatbloodycomputer. FFS, I hit reply, but it didn’t mark it as a reply.

ItsNachoCheese · 13/07/2018 22:35

Id no way in hell stay next to inlaws nor parents for that matter

Troubleandstrifebagforlife · 13/07/2018 23:52

Oh dear hot sauce !
You speak from such a privelidged position busy with kids friends etc
It really Doesnt last it seems to me from what I’ve seen.
Try your best to be to older people how you hope your kids will be to you

Cornishclio · 14/07/2018 00:07

Sounds as if you have a DH problem if he won't take your concerns seriously.

I would make it clear to both of them you won't be enabling this and you don't think it is a good idea. If your MIL can take a hint she won't buy it. If she is adamant and your DH thinks it is a good idea then there is little you can do about it. I would be telling your DH he can move in with his mum if he thinks it is such a good idea.

RachelTeeth · 14/07/2018 00:19

So what if the woman ‘gave up 18 years of her life to raising him’? It was her choice to have a kid. No one is responsible for another adult, people do not owe their parents anything. For those of us who have abusive, toxic parents that is a very important lesson. We do not owe them anything and are not responsible for them. Expecting your adult offspring to provide nursing care for you because ‘I’m your mother!!’ is appalling.

SummerIsEasy · 14/07/2018 01:44

In later years there will undoubtedly be an expectation that you will provide care for MIL if she requires this. There must be some reason she wants to either live with you or move in next door.

You need to be clear with DH that if the move next door goes ahead (you cannot stop her buying the property), then he needs to be prepared to provide care for her himself and not sit back and expect you to do all of this. Many men see care of the elderly in the family as being a woman's role.

We all get old if we are lucky enough, but we need to plan for any future care and be upfront with the family about expectations. At nearly sixty years of age, no way would I expect to rock up next door to one of my children, with the expectation that I would be looked after in old age.

Try and discuss MILs expectations with her, so you are both clear about the situation.

SummerIsEasy · 14/07/2018 02:12

Stillonthatbloodycomputer

I dread being widowed, but there is good chance it will happen. People need to plan for future care needs and not take it for granted that we will be looked after by our DILs.

Many women in their fifties now find they are torn between care of their own elderly parents and those of their in laws. Men often leave care of older parents to their wives, whilst enjoying hobbies such as fishing and golf in later years.

Frank and open discussions need to take place about such expectations. If your son or daughter is happy to agree to take care of you and they agree to this, it is fair enough.

Just moving in next door and assuming this will happen is not.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/07/2018 04:58

"I don't think its going to be as big a problem as you think OP. My parents bought the house next door to us and its great! I do not even see them every day!"

The clue is right there - your parentS (plural). This scenario is the OP's MIL (single, widowed, lonely).
No comparison AT ALL.

I wouldn't do it. My MIL lives 15 minutes away, which is perfect. Close enough but not too close. I get on with her but not to the extent that I can cope with seeing her every day! When we first moved over to Aus, we stayed with her for 6w - that was trying but it was her house so not so bad. But when we moved into our own house and she was in it every day - nope. I had to tell DH to ask her to cut it down - no more than 3 times a week and preferably not just turning up on the doorstep, as no idea what we might be doing or where we might be going.

Couldn't have her next door, no chance.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/07/2018 04:58

"I don't think its going to be as big a problem as you think OP. My parents bought the house next door to us and its great! I do not even see them every day!"

The clue is right there - your parentS (plural). This scenario is the OP's MIL (single, widowed, lonely).
No comparison AT ALL.

I wouldn't do it. My MIL lives 15 minutes away, which is perfect. Close enough but not too close. I get on with her but not to the extent that I can cope with seeing her every day! When we first moved over to Aus, we stayed with her for 6w - that was trying but it was her house so not so bad. But when we moved into our own house and she was in it every day - nope. I had to tell DH to ask her to cut it down - no more than 3 times a week and preferably not just turning up on the doorstep, as no idea what we might be doing or where we might be going.

Couldn't have her next door, no chance.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/07/2018 04:59

Ooo, accidental double post, sorry!

user7680 · 14/07/2018 05:24

Hell no!!!!!!I text my own parent once a month and he lives in another country.

Bezm · 14/07/2018 07:17

I would list all the pros and cons, for both of you, of her living next door and share them with her. I would not make your husband choose between the two of you, that's not fair. If she does move next door, make sure you draw up a set of dos and donts, e.g. Not walking in each other's houses uninvited.
There actually could be lots of positives of her being so close, particularly with the children. At the end of the day, she can live where she wants. If it doesn't work out, then you could move!

Grenoble124 · 14/07/2018 07:18

My MIL is lovely (most of the time). We get on well. When we lived in a different county she never visited and it used to bug me.

We then moved in down the road and I had a baby. She would look in my windows and let herself into my house. I am a private person and hated it. I tackled the window thing and ensure door is always locked. The issue is when driving by she will slow down and look in my window from the street and if she sees me / dgc will pull in and call. This cracks me up and sometimes I won't sit in my own front room as a result. Sometimes I just want peace. As we are renting there was no point in investing in blinds.

We have bought a house 5 minutes drive away. It will be not on her direct and won't be able to see in from road. If she does stuff to annoy me I will tackle it straight away. Not putting up with that shit again. My DH once suggested building in her garden and I made my feelings very clear.