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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother in law wants to buy next door

265 replies

ezzycozzy · 12/07/2018 16:46

My widowed mother in law has repeatedly asked to sell up both houses and live together. (She already lives in the next road to us and her other son lives 1 mile away). I have repeatedly said no in no uncertain terms to her. I have avoided a full on face to face confrontation about it but I have sent a couple of strong worded texts about how it is not an option. At this stage my husband always says he is open to the idea but he will 'talk to me' about it. Anyhow, our elderly next door neighbour has just died and leaves behind a dooer upper of a bungalow. She wants to buy it. Stupid husband wants to do it up. (Basically he sees the plus of having an extra garage and driveway. We also have out buildings with a log burner that we do not have permission for so he is happy to have the easy ride of a non complaining neighbour like his mother). I on the other hand feel like moving out. She would be here all the time Molly coddling him and our kids would constantly choose to be next door at nannies where they can do as they bloody well like!!).......

OP posts:
Atalune · 13/07/2018 14:53

Leave and take the kids, get the estate agent round, value the house.

It’s not a threat, it’s a reality.

She’s plenty close now. Tell DH he has forced you into the position as he has decided to choose his mother. Ask him how he feels about 50/50 childcare, splitting assists and the cost of divorce and selling? Be serious.

Fuck. That. Shit.

sunshinesupermum · 13/07/2018 15:44

I'd hate to live right on top of DD and SiL !!! They'd be wanting me to look after DGS1 and 2 whenever possible lol No thanks. (I'm an hour's drive away atm which is fine)

bluebeck · 13/07/2018 15:49

Fuck that shit, no way.

You need to convince him that you mean it when you say the marriage will be over. If he wants to live with his mummy more than he wants to live with his wife and children then that's fine, he has made his choice.

I cannot imagine wanting to live next door to DS and his DP. I love them both but - why? Just why?

AveABanana · 13/07/2018 16:55

Tell him if MIL moves in, you'll be moving out. So it'd save on stamp duty etc if he just moved in with her now. See if that suits him.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 13/07/2018 17:22

Sitting watching the sun go down on my property, savings in the bank, not a penny owed to the world, planning my trip to Paris to meet my son's DP.
You OK hun?

This reads like the Facebook status of a Forever Living seller Grin

natjojo · 13/07/2018 17:34

I was brought up in two flats side by side. Parents one side, grand parents the other. After a few years, a door in the wall was made so there was no need to get out on the communal lobby. Us kids loved it.

Everyone grown up couple was living their own life but we had the benefit of double love and affection.

Sometimes there were bust ups of the grown ups and silences, then reconciliations but we were shielded.

I think I have been blessed. When my grand ma died, I was 20. It was a tremendous loss, a bit like another mama. I am sure my mum would say otherwise but I hope that the perspective of the child might help you navigate this situation.

OFuckShitAndBollocks · 13/07/2018 17:41

Good luck OP, I'd LTB if mine agreed to let his mother move in next door! Haha!!

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/07/2018 17:49

Leave and take the kids, get the estate agent round, value the house.

It’s not a threat, it’s a reality.

This.

BatShitBuns · 13/07/2018 17:52

I wouldn't mind at all if it was me.

Gemini69 · 13/07/2018 17:56

sounds awful OP... I'd leave Flowers

deste · 13/07/2018 17:57

I would tell your DH that if he buys next door he can move into it with his mother, problem solved.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 13/07/2018 18:00

I lived with my MIL until she died and did a fair bit of her personal care. I loved it, we had a real laugh together and were both very careful about boundaries, so it worked. However, we were also both aware that her terminal illness meant that it was never going to be a long term arrangement.

It is totally reasonable to not want to live next door to a women you already don't like, especially if you think she would undermine you. If your husband insists on it, you will end up divorcing. If you put your foot down hard and stop it, he will resent you and you may well end up divorcing anyway. It's a horrible situation and I really feel for you.

BrexitWife · 13/07/2018 18:01

I have told husband how much of a threat to our marriage this is. He stands firm that it suits him to have her there...

In that case, he knows he is selling his relationship with you away in favour of whatever it is (his mum next door, issue with planning permission whatever).
Nowadays, it would mean that I would

  • set very clear boundaries on how much time him and the dcs will spend there/behaviour/time together as a family wo her/ time she is spending at yours etc etc
  • start getting some independance financially in particular as well as not relying on her childcare etc etc.

Because the issue here is that he is not taking any of your wishes or fears into account at all, only his.

That’s not the basis of an equal relationhsip.

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 13/07/2018 18:01

I love my dear mum and I adore my MIL but I wouldn’t want to live next door to either of them. They both live very, very close which works well for everyone. I know they both like looking after our DC but I know it tires them and they need a break and their own lives.

I hope they’re always close enough so we can help out if/when they get frail or ill but we don’t need to be in each other’s pockets.

YANBU, OP. If she was an hour away and wanted to move to be close, I’d get that but a street or two away to next door is full on.

ChrisNReed · 13/07/2018 18:05

Sadly I think you need to walk your talk. 'Strongly worded texts' !? Get serious.

Notasunnybunny · 13/07/2018 18:05

This can work well for some, I lived next to PIL for a while. Everyone behaved with respect for others privacy and space, it helped that we could come and go without being visible from their house and vice versa. However it doesn’t sound like your MIL has that relationship with you and I suspect from what you have said she has difficulties understanding boundaries. As others have said, I’d be looking at my options if they choose to plough ahead. Your house won’t feel your own and I would want to live with someone who had so little respect for my wishes and feelings.

Mummyof0ne · 13/07/2018 18:13

Put yours on the market

lisahpost · 13/07/2018 18:16

Oooooo nooooo that would be a nightmare !

My MIL lived with us for a year and it was non stop coddling of the youngest (the biological grandkid) AND the husband who she enabled into being a petulant baby.
She bought me a book entitled the care and feeding of husbands, would Skype my husband at work telling him things is not done ‘right ‘ with my son , undermined me constantly , would come in after an hour out asking if my son had been ok and safe while she had been gone and she was taking to me EX husband about me and discussing my personal arguments and things with my hubby !

Trust me the worst thing ever to do is live with the inlaws tho to be fair this is a woman who when I was going to marry her son asked me “are you marrying him because you can’t get anyone else !” .... maybe other MIL aren’t so bad 😳😬

lisahpost · 13/07/2018 18:17

Ugh so many typos 😳 I did not me to write me instead of my 🤦‍♀️

Ilovemypantry · 13/07/2018 18:30

Definitely not on my watch 😂😂....nightmare!

Ticketybootoo · 13/07/2018 18:32

Hi there

I have every sympathy as 10 years ago was in the same position and it was so so difficult. Its really hard with someone bereaved as what they need is support but I felt that our family life would no longer be our own and it all caused lots of rows with dh. I had to make my point and it wasn't an easy thing to do but the message got across eventually.
The next challenge after wanting to buy the house next door was trying to take over our holidays which also ended in a row.
I wish you a better time so Good Luck !

SynchroSwimmer · 13/07/2018 18:37

How old in MIL?

Has she been widowed very long? (Advice is often not to make major life decisions for perhaps 2 years after being widowed)

Could there be any benefits to you - in terms of childcare / pet care? / or freeing up more time for yourself?

Could you actively “facilitate” introductions to a load of social activities for your MIl - so she gains a new group of friends of a similar age and maybe keeps busier - but in her current home.

Is she a member of/ or would she join WayUp?...an online support group for widows who chat online and meet for coffee/holidays/outings and so on?

My own mother moved into the adjoining bungalow to my brother without much if any prior consultation! On the whole it has worked well, because she respects their space and privacy and never ventures round unless invited. I however would struggle!

Maybe go out for a meal on neutral territory in a public area so that you can explore/discuss/discount the idea “informally”, but perhaps get your husband to totally lead the conversation, plan ahead, get him to explain quite firmly that you both need your own privacy, quiet and space and everything else that is important to your own wellbeing?

X

cricketmum84 · 13/07/2018 18:37

Move. Immediately. If it doesn't sell burn the house down.

Seriously Grin my mum and sister live next door to each other and they drive each other insane!

labazs · 13/07/2018 18:40

think id be running down the road with the kids screaming let me outta here!

BradleyPooper · 13/07/2018 18:40

My BIL has this situation, MIL moved in next door about 6 years ago (from the other side of the country so no friends nearby). He had small kids and the babysitting on tap was a godsend. However, now MIL is getting older, the car is flowing the other way over the fence.... It may not be ideal now but the situation is unlikely to improve ...

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