Mother in law wants to buy next door

[ezzycozzy]

My widowed mother in law has repeatedly asked to sell up both houses and live together. (She already lives in the next road to us and her other son lives 1 mile away). I have repeatedly said no in no uncertain terms to her. I have avoided a full on face to face confrontation about it but I have sent a couple of strong worded texts about how it is not an option. At this stage my husband always says he is open to the idea but he will 'talk to me' about it. Anyhow, our elderly next door neighbour has just died and leaves behind a dooer upper of a bungalow. She wants to buy it. Stupid husband wants to do it up. (Basically he sees the plus of having an extra garage and driveway. We also have out buildings with a log burner that we do not have permission for so he is happy to have the easy ride of a non complaining neighbour like his mother). I on the other hand feel like moving out. She would be here all the time Molly coddling him and our kids would constantly choose to be next door at nannies where they can do as they bloody well like!!).......

OMG! Feel so sorry for you - what can you do? Apart from make it very clear to your husband that this is not ok...you can’t stop her buying it though

This is a ‘its me or your mother’ moment OP.

My MIL died earlier this year after suffering dementia for several years. She was lovely and I'd love her to be well and living next door right now.

she lives a street away not 100 miles, what are her reasons for wanting to live next door?

Dh needs to tactfully tell your MIL that as much as you all love her, he needs his own space for his own young family and that it would be unwise to all live on top of each other. He can emphasis the lovely relationship he has with her now and say he would not want anything to ruin it. Then cite some horror story about the very same thing and move on to another subject quickly.

He must understand this will end in tears if you are lucky, a bloodbath if not, and show him this thread.

It will not be useful/good to have a babysitter/work project/ easy neighbour in your mum, it will be none of those fairytale versions it will be a constant intrusion and layer at least one of stress. Don't do it.

Nope...I could deal with living on the same street or 1 street away etc but next door? No. MIL definitely not and even my mother not unless she was getting on and needing care assistance. Living close for convenience yes that’s fine but next door is just a bit much. I’d always feel like my home would be judged and I could never relax properly.

So sad the way we treat elderly relatives in this country.
I’m a community nurse and the loneliness of the people I see is heartbreaking. She would be in a completely separate house and surely you could set some boundaries ? Is your husband her only child? Is she frail or self caring?
In the long term it might be an advantage to you if you can keep her in the house rather than going into care?
Would it really be so intolerable? my sister and me are always trying to persuade my mum to move nearer to us but she won’t hear tell of it instead we feel guilty all the time that’s she’s lonely and negotiating who will go over to see her etc.
Every case is different I know.

So your DH would pick his DM over you? In that case, I'd leave right now. If he's not putting you and your concerns above those of his DM (who is surely quite close enough, being only one street away!!), then your marriage is effectively over anyway. If he wants to be a mama's boy for the rest of his life, let him, but take the kids with you.

I have to agree with natjojo. We live 2 doors down from my ILs and it's a godsend. Free childcare and a lovely sense of a close knit family. I am very blessed with a really lovely MIL and FIL (my MILs mum also lives with them) Of course things aren't always perfect. Sometimes we have minor disagreements and feel a bit tense towards each other, but that would happen in any relationship regardless of distance.

My kids have a really amazing relationship with their grandparents and great-nanny. It's really lovely to see. My 3 year old makes a beeline for her great-nanny all the time and will want to call over and read books with her a lot. It makes her day. I hope when I'm 86 I have a grand-daughter or great grand-daughter that does the same.

We lived right next door to my step-GPs growing up. My little sister particularly benefited from this, as when her and mum went through a really rough patch when she was a teenager, my sister would storm off up to her nanny. Not ideal, maybe, but a lot better than her storming off to go drinking in a park or something like that.

I think separate house are much easier to handle than actually living together. Maybe it's worth thinking about what it is that you think would change with her living next door vs her living very close by, where she is now, and discussing this with your husband?

Maybe once you've worked out what it is you are specifically worried about you can address it, and come up with some solutions. Do you think your kids would like having their nanny next door? Maybe your kids calling in with her will alleviate her loneliness and she won't actually be round at your house much? Can you see any other pros apart from the wood burner and garage? Maybe you'd feel more comfortable with some ground rules set down around her dropping by unexpected.

Saying all that I don't know your MIL, So I don't want to push you along on something that you think will honestly be unbearable.

I would start sowing seeds about sex noises. I mean, does he WANT his mum to hear you together??

On the plus side, at least she's unlikely to want to come and stay with you... (she said, clutching at straws!)

You have a DH problem, not a MIL problem.

Also agree with troubleandstrifebagforlife we will all be old at some stage (hopefully!) more than likely our kids will have grown up and our husband's will likely go before us. She gave 18 years of her life to raise your husband. I think it's understandable that she wants to feel and be as close as possible to what family she has remaining.

I think setting through boundaries and ground rules is essential.

I also think you shouldn't get too worked up and leave your husband etc, as some PP have suggested, over something that might never happen. It sounds like it's all just an idea at the moment. Lots could happen between now and then. She could realise the cost of moving is too much, she could realise she doesn't want kids around her constantly, the cost of works to the house is too much, a survey could throw up issues with her potentially new house, she could struggle to sell her current house, someone might outbid her and buy the house next door etc. So I'd not go nuclear and divorce the prick, or whatever other people suggest. It is his mum. He loves her and probably sees the pros quicker than you do.

(Obviously he loves you too and is probably just trying to make everyone happy.)

I don't think its going to be as big a problem as you think OP. My parents bought the house next door to us and its great! I do not even see them every day! And we thought that our dd would be through all the time but nope, she'd rather be here with us. Give it a chance she's probably lonely and wants to be evn closer to ber family. Why is that so bad????

As someone who voluntarily (but under a little duress!) purchased the house next door to their parents DON'T DO IT! I can attribute a part of the downfall of my marriage to the closeness of my mother and suffocation of my husband and I by he mr interference and refusal to accept the property and grounds were mine and not hers eg coming home to find favourite bushes chopped down, painting my fence a different colour because it looked nicer, asking me not to breastfeed in my house as it made my father uncomfortable if he 'popped' in (ie walked into my house without alerting me to his presence) - for the love of God dont do it! If you love your husband, don't do it! If he loves you, dont do it! If you love your MIL, dont do it! If she loves you guys, dont do it! The stress its puts on all of the relationships is incredible. She's clearly lonely (I can sympathise)but get your husband to invest his time in getting her hobbies, new friends, maybe a boyfriend. If he wants the house by all means get it, do it up and then rent it out or punt it - just not to your MIL! Good luck! X

I’d stand your ground too if it’s something you really couldn’t live with.
My mil asked us for the granny annex. She wants to sell up and build on the side or back of our garden. We politely declined but happy for a nearby road.

Do you get on with your husband? Because you just said he was stupid. I assume this is because he loves his Mum and wants you to come round to the idea.
Why are you and your husband not discussing these problems of communication?
Of course she loves her grandchildren and son... what did you expect? Is she a vile person? I am not clear why you dislike her. Is it because you will lose total control of your household and they will all get lots of attention elsewhere?

A few roads away has all the convenience for both you and MIL but none of the suffocating stress that next door would inevitably bring.
One of my friends has her parents in the next house, her kids vanish into the next garden (through hedge) to see grandparents without mentioning it. The grandparents suddenly appear in my friends house like it's part of the same home. That can suit some and not others. I would personally hate it. I'd feel like my parents are watching and listening all the time. I couldn't relax and that's even if they are good at boundaries.

The problem with saying set strict boundaries is that I sense that both DH and MiL would just ignore them. And if the DH is popping round regularly to use the drive, garage, garden whatever it's a lot harder to say to the MiL 'but you can't come round here'.

I think you might soon find yourself at crunch time OP.

You should have a serious talk with your husband and at least try to get him to see your (very obvious) objections. You need your own space!
Maybe think out some scenarios along the lines of 1) She buys next door but you have to agree on some rules, those rules are golden. 2) You and husband say no to this together (make sure he doesn't blame you). 3) Start thinking about some relationship/ family therapy. 4) If you are not comfortable with any of the above you should seriously rethink your relationship.
It sounds like husband is not taking your feelings concerning this seriously, does he take you seriously at all?

As someone who grew up living next to door my Grandparents, from a child’s point of view it’s amazing! I had such a close relationship with them and they, along with my parents and siblings, form the majority of my happy childhood memories. They didn’t let me get away with as much as some Grandparents do because I was there more than someone would ‘normally’ be at their Grandparent’s house. So they more or less followed my parent’s rules. However, them being next door eventually contributed to splitting my parents up when I reached my teens so it clearly didn’t work for them.

One of my siblings now lives next door to my dad and I couldn’t think of anything worse. He knows everything they do, when they go out, if they have a row. I live in the same town and it’s close enough. Having said that, I could happily live next door to my mum or PIL because they wouldn’t dream of interfering.

I do think if you MIL is already only a street away she definitely wants to be in your pockets! Ultimately you can’t stop her from buying the house but you can stop your husband from encouraging it by threat of divorce! Stand your ground, OP.

No. No. AND NO.
Mine is next door.
Do not do it.
No money, land or anything makes this work.
DO NOT DO IT. I cannot write anything else as just thinking about my situation give me The Rage.

If he is really standing firm you need to pack your bags.

There is no way I would disregard my DH's feelings on such an important matter.