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Original poster

Mother in law wants to buy next door

265 replies

ezzycozzy · 12/07/2018 16:46

My widowed mother in law has repeatedly asked to sell up both houses and live together. (She already lives in the next road to us and her other son lives 1 mile away). I have repeatedly said no in no uncertain terms to her. I have avoided a full on face to face confrontation about it but I have sent a couple of strong worded texts about how it is not an option. At this stage my husband always says he is open to the idea but he will 'talk to me' about it. Anyhow, our elderly next door neighbour has just died and leaves behind a dooer upper of a bungalow. She wants to buy it. Stupid husband wants to do it up. (Basically he sees the plus of having an extra garage and driveway. We also have out buildings with a log burner that we do not have permission for so he is happy to have the easy ride of a non complaining neighbour like his mother). I on the other hand feel like moving out. She would be here all the time Molly coddling him and our kids would constantly choose to be next door at nannies where they can do as they bloody well like!!).......

OP posts:
travailtotravel · 12/07/2018 20:45

Are you sure he knows you really mean to follow through if it does happen, OP? I'm with you - less over my cold dead body, more please start planning for 50% custody and maintenance. Your DH is a prize pillock. Really.

phlebasconsidered · 12/07/2018 20:49

I am praying that the lady next door to me sells so i CAN move my in laws in! Alright, they can be annoying and their age and values are slightly different.

But they pick up the kids while i am working, they are willing to get glitter and glue out where i am not, they iron for me, they spend hours with the kids when i'm not able to.

I would love it! It would make things easier! No driving for them, the kids could pop over and back whenever without the need for me to be there, my eldest could be left alone as they were next door, if one of them needed to cool off they could watch tv with nan. Brilliant.

I'm very aware that i'll be the ones caring for my in laws, and having them next door will make this much, much easier for us all.

I'm lucky in that my in laws are kind lovely people ( that's not to say i could live with them. In my youth and new motherhood i was very defensive and stupid and they were insensitive). But i can live very near them with clear boundaries. It's better! My own mother guilt trips me into visits which are awkward and awful. It's much better to pop in regularly and briefly and griw the love than visit and feel the imposition.

Plus, when you've been together yonks you kind of get the mil onside....

lavendargreen · 12/07/2018 20:49

@ThePlanetGoesOnBeingRound3

The fact that the vast majority of posters on here agree with the OP, and would rather drink their own vomit than have their MIL living next door to them, shows you are talking parp, you are being unreasonable, and you are in a very very very tiny minority.

And so angry. Calm down.........

Pebblespony · 12/07/2018 20:49

Your DH is not backing you up here. Thats a big problem. If she stays where she is, she's hardly in outer Mongolia, is she? Presumably he can still pop in every day, multiple time if he wants to.

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 12/07/2018 20:55

Oh god. This makes my blood run cold. We lived with the PIL for a while waiting to move into our new house and I can hardly speak to MIL as a result.

ThePlanetGoesOnBeingRound3 · 12/07/2018 20:55

Totally calm @Lavendargreen

Sitting watching the sun go down on my property, savings in the bank, not a penny owed to the world, planning my trip to Paris to meet my son's DP.
You OK hun?

lavendargreen · 12/07/2018 21:04

Agree @pebblespony

There is something very odd about a woman who desperately wants to live next door to her adult son and daughter in law, when she only lives 5 minutes away anyway. It suggests she is controlling and needy.

There is something even MORE odd about a man who needs his mother next door (or even worse, LIVING with him and his wife and kids... shudder )

@ThePlanetGoesOnBeingRound3

I am sitting watching the sun go down on my property, savings in the bank, not a penny owed to the world, planning my trip to Paris to meet my son's DP.

Yeah, we believe you!!! 😂😂😂

See, you can calm down when you try can't you hun? Smile

Bluelady · 12/07/2018 21:08

Dear God, there are some nasty people on here tonight.

icecreamgate · 12/07/2018 21:08

If I was you'd I would emigrate

kateandme · 12/07/2018 21:16

do you think this could end your marriage?if this has gotten this far you need to sit with him.and tell this to him straight.exactly where this will end.if you want to make your marriage last either one of you will have to work round the end result here.you if she moves and him if he makes sure she doesn't.but to be together you can manage this but it will be lots of discussion and give and take I think.but that seomthing you both need to have and sooner rather than later before you both get in too deep with this and feeling start getting more and more hurt.

NoNotheresnolyrics · 12/07/2018 21:27

Put your house up for sale and ask your mil if she wants to buy it 😂

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 12/07/2018 21:30

Do you know the neighbour's inheritor's at all? Any chance you could bribe ask them not to sell to her? They can sell to whoever they like. Fingers crossed they are on MN and would understand!

RandomMess · 12/07/2018 21:33

I would tell DH "if she moves in I'll be moving out do you'll have to sell up anyway"

KalindaBlack · 12/07/2018 21:33

Oh dear, it looks like he's choosing his mother over you, I would ask him if this is true? If so, then you have some serious thinking to do as to where the relationship is going next I'm afraid. I really feel for you OP

welshmist · 12/07/2018 21:36

As a MIL who has two families living close by. I would not want to live any closer. I love them all dearly, but do not want to know their comings and goings, nor them mine. I do not want to hear private arguments which happen in all relationships.

redshoeblueshoe · 12/07/2018 21:49

Another Mil here
No Way
A mile is the nearest I'd cope with Grin

diddl · 12/07/2018 22:09

I'm sure that it can work-but with her already being so close, it hardly seems worth it.

Just out of interest, has she ever wanted to move nearer to/in with her otherson?

AcrossthePond55 · 12/07/2018 22:56

I've got it! How about she moves next door and DH moves in with her! He comes over to do the needed DIY, help with the kids, have dinner, and a shag every so often. MiL gets to clean up after him, do his laundry, and listen to his 'body noises'. You, on the other hand, have a nice, quiet, clean house and a HWB ("Husband with Benefits").

(Yes, I'm joking........I think)

BackforGood · 12/07/2018 23:39

We came close to splitting up over it and I had to pack her bag for her and ask her to leave. I have told husband how much of a threat to our marriage this is. He stands firm that it suits him to have her there... i am livid!!!

Have you reminded him of this time ?

To the posters complaining about "MiL hate" on MN, this isn't about the way the OP is related to her, it is everything to do with the personality of the person, not that she happens to be DM's mother. It is about the interfering and not respecting boundaries.
I don't hate my MiL either, but we have different ways of living our lives, and there is no way in a million years we could live next door to each other. My mother - I wouldn't have had such an issue with, as she would have respected boundaries, but it does rather put all the onus on you for care as they get older, rather than a joint responsibility with siblings. that isn't just because it is my mother... my dh would say the same. He'd far sooner share a boundary with my folks than his - it is personality not relationship.

However, moving would cost your MiL a fortune (selling costs, moving costs, buying costs, plus all the disruption of moving, plus how she manages the renovations, plus extra expense of then getting new curtains etc and potentially furniture that fits). If it is time to move, then you suck that up, but if she is in the next street anyway, then all the 'looking after dc / dc popping round on their own / dh popping in for 30mins' type stuff can still go on without her moving, I'd have thought?

AllMimsey · 12/07/2018 23:57

I lived next door to my ex in-laws for ten years. TEN FUCKING YEARS. Which was more awkward when I left my exH (their son) and he moved out.

Surprisingly, it was all ok! You have to have firm boundaries though and good lines of communication.

Lethaldrizzle · 13/07/2018 07:32

I'd be happy for my mum to live next door, so by extension would extend that to my partners mum

IntercontinentalButtCrack · 13/07/2018 07:52

We lived with the PIL for a while waiting to move into our new house and I can hardly speak to MIL as a result.

Yy to this. It is taking years for the damage and hurt to repair for me, and I think it has made a permanent shift in the way I feel about MIL, because now I know lot more about where I am in her rankings of value.

StopCloudSeeding · 13/07/2018 08:15

This situation could well be the beginning of the end because either one of you will feel resentful.

I agree with you. Been there, done that! Now divorced.

PaintedHorizons · 13/07/2018 08:51

You need to talk to your husband and find a way through this.
If it was my mother and my husband threatened to leave with the children rather than talk through how we could make it work I'd call him controlling and leave.

It could be good for you financially – that might be important later. It avoids the problem of unknown neighbours - who could be a nightmare. It's a project for your DH. It is easy childcare and someone who you trust to take in parcels, help out when you need it etc.

Think about the positives and discuss with your husband. If you still disagree then you'll need to find a way through it.

thricethebrindledcat · 13/07/2018 14:48

What a nightmare.

MIL doesn't care what you think, but it's not MIL you have to persuade, it's DH.

Be very, very clear to him how close to the wind he is sailing with this idea and kill it before it goes any further. He sounds like a person who likes the easy life so help him understand how MIL moving in next door would be the opposite. Unless, of course, MIL and DH know something you don't about your relationship......